Sam Jay: 3 in the Morning

Holy shit.

What the fuck is up, Atlanta?

This shit is fuckin' amazing, man.

Wow.

This shit really hit me today.

I was-- I was walking to the venue and,

you know, all the emotions.

Like, this is my fucking special.

I'm here, I'm doing the shit that I set out to do

this whole fuckin' time.

You know?

I was walking down, and I was-- I was coming...

through the alleyway, and I was like, "This is really some full-circle shit."

'Cause the last dude I fucked...

I met at a bar right over there.

The last dick I took, I met right over there.

Yeah!

Crazy! That was the last dick I sucked. Whoa!

Every time I think about it, my mind's blown.

Like, "Bitch, you was sucking dicks."

I don't like dicks at all!

Like, I know that for a fact. I don't like dicks.

I don't even like wearing 'em when bitches ask me to.

I don't like dicks.

And I was suckin' whole dicks, just putting 'em in my mouth.

The shit we'll do to fit in, you know?

I just wanted to be friends with my friends!

I just wanted to be able to talk to my peer group.

Like, "Yeah, girl, the balls are salty like that.

The balls be salty as fuck. I know, girl.

It's crazy how salty the balls are."

Suckin' whole dicks... Nutty!

Never was good at it, either. D-minus dick-sucker.

D-minus.

Never won the dick-suck game.

I had some nights-- I had some Jordan flu game.

"Tonight's the night I ball!" You know, just go-hard nights.

I have to say that disclaimer 'cause I'll be like, "I'm a bad dick-sucker,"

and somebody in the crowd'll be like, "She sucked the shit out my dick!"

I'll be like, "Oh, God dammit!

I did. That night, I did. I did...

do the fuckin' job."

Shit is wild, man.

I'm with my girl. I travel everywhere with my girl, which is stupid.

I bring my girl everywhere 'cause I love her, but also, uh, fuck her.

You know, it's annoying.

Like, I'm in love, I'm in love. This is a woman I've chased.

I'm in love. I've chased this woman for years.

But also, like, "Oh, shut the fuck up and go away."

Like, we shouldn't be taking trips together.

I realized that that's where I'm fucking up.

We should be going on trips, but on separate trips.

Like, she goes to Hawaii, I go to London, then we switch.

You know what I mean? I go to Hawaii, she goes to London.

So we see the same shit so we can talk about it later.

We'll have a dialogue,

but we don't actually have to be in the same fuckin' space.

'Cause that seems to be creating the problems.

Recently, I went home, back to Boston. That's where I'm from.

I'm a Boston kid, you know?

But I also don't go back often because my whole family's there.

Like, all of them.

I love 'em, but it's a lot. Know what I mean? So I try to avoid it.

But I was like, "My girl needs to meet my people. I'm goin' home."

I take my girl, I go back home.

It was nice at first. She met my favorite uncle.

He's my favorite 'cause every time I see him, he asks if I'm still gay.

Which is nice.

Every time I see him, he's like, "Hey, you still messin' with the ladies?"

Like, one day, I was like, "Nah, Unc, back suckin' these dicks!

Back on these dicks, partner. That's what...

Puttin' my mouth on balls again, baby. That's... how I like to live."

But it was dope. It was nice for my girl to just see...

where the fuck I come from, you know?

You always want that with your partner.

Just see how I grew up. See the people that raised me.

Just get to know me a little bit better.

And all of that felt really good. We was havin' a great time.

I took her out, she met my friends from high school.

Lot of my homegirls, they were telling her stories about

how I used to have my titties out and shit, you know?

Just lettin' her know who I used to be. Everything was chill.

Everything was comfortable. It felt great.

But it got awkward 'cause I bumped into the dude I lost my virginity to.

- Oh, shit! - It was weird, as we look the same now.

Like, same outfit, same haircut. "What's up, nigga? What the fuck you...

What's good with you, cuz?

Fuck you want?"

I saw him before he saw me. I was like, "Shit, I sucked his dick."

You know, like, I was... "Oh, my God!" Because, for a dyke,

when you see old dicks you sucked, they're like hauntings, you know?

It's just like, "Remember you used to do this?"

Like, "Oh, my God."

"Please don't come this fuckin' way."

I was like, "God, I sucked his dick. What's he gonna do?"

He seen me. At first, he was cool.

He gave me the "you know you sucked my dick" head nod, kept it moving.

He was just like, "You know what you did." "I know, I know, I know."

Weird, though, weird to be around my girl, trying to be the best man I'm gonna be

and then seeing a dick I sucked.

I was like, "I don't like this at all."

Then he said the dumbest thing to me.

We're standing across from each other, he went, "I just need to say this.

I just hope I'm not the reason... you're like this."

Like, nigga, what?

You think your 15-year-old dick swayed me in any direction?

We were fucking kids, man.

We could've been humpin' mattresses, you know?

Hell, no! Just sometimes, people be gay and don't know it. It's possible.

I was a whole gay bitch, didn't know. People knew before me.

I came out, some of my old friends was like, "Duh, bitch!" I was like, "Really?

Really? You knew this whole time?

'Cause this whole time, I was for sure thinkin' I liked dick." I did.

I did! I knew I wasn't enjoying sex.

My homegirls would talk about sex. I was like, "I don't like it like they like it,"

but I didn't think I didn't like dick.

I just thought, "I ain't found the right dick yet."

They'd be like, "When you feel it in your stomach..."

I was like, "Ooh, that's my least favorite part, when you...

When it hit the stomach, you know it's really there. You can't--

I don't like that at all."

But I didn't think I didn't like dick. I just thought, you know,

"Keep suckin' these dicks. Concentrate. Work harder.

Focus on the dicks you're suckin'. Visualize.

You'll fucking get there."

That's why representation matters, man.

It does. It matters. You need to see yourself in the fuckin' world.

Like, I didn't realize you could be black and gay and, like, fly and shit.

Like, I'm from Boston, bro. We didn't have black dykes.

We didn't have black dykes. We had white dykes.

They drove Subarus and had long armpit hair. And I was like, "No."

I was like, "No, that's not what I am. I'm not that.

I don't do that. I'm not with that."

We had one black dyke, and that bitch was on crack.

And I was like, "If that's what dyking leads to,

that's not a life for me.

I need to focus on these dicks. Concentrate."

"Concentrate and work hard and make somethin' of myself."

You honestly couldn't be black and gay outside of Atlanta until 2012.

It just didn't exist anywhere else in the world.

So I didn't know, you know?

I was like, "Nah, man, I'm just... into licking these dicks and balls."

Not at all. And then I ate a pussy, and I was like, "Bitch!"

The world opened the fuck up.

I was like, "Oh, this is what everyone said when they said they like it."

I never understood the liking it part. I was like, "Sex is just a job.

You don't like it, you just do it." And then, fuck it.

But, no, you can like it.

Like, now I eat pussy, I'm like, "This is it, I'm a winner.

Now I'm winning. I feel in control. I know what the fuck I'm doing.

This is where I was supposed to be. In the pussy."

Now I'm in love, so I'm only in one pussy, and that's weird.

It's weird 'cause I know it's the only pussy I'm gonna be in forever.

It's not always great, right?

When you fuck the same person forever, you know, there's downsides to that.

There's highs and lows. Cause now, we've been fucking since,

I don't know, we was 22?

I'm 30-something, so it's like, "I don't care about this pussy anymore."

Like, I love her, but the pussy, I don't give a fuck.

It could come, it could go, it could not be there.

But I'm tryin' to do it. I am. I'm like, I'm in love.

That's why I bring her everywhere. That's why we travel and shit.

We just went to Europe recently.

Three weeks in Europe. Big fuckin' mistake.

Three weeks. Mm-mm-mm. Too long. Shouldn't have done it.

It was fucked up before we even left New York.

Before we got out our apartment, it was problematic.

It started with the packing.

Everything broke down with the fuckin' packing.

Everything was goin' good. We was packing, she was packing,

I was packin', everything felt respectable.

But then she started packin' a third bag.

And that really confused me, 'cause she only has two arms.

So I was like, "How you packin' three bags with two arms, baby girl?

You don't got enough arms for the bags you packin'.

What a presumptuous, bold fuckin' move,

to pack bags you don't got fuckin' arms for!

Who's supposed to be in charge of these fuckin' bags?

Who's gonna be the boss, bitch? I don't understand."

Then we got to an airport and it caused a fight

because she forgets I'm not a man, I'm not a fucking man.

I'm not. So I don't have any chivalry.

I don't give a fuck! I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck.

I am a whole bitch. I have no chivalry in me.

Are you crazy? So it's not like I saw her struggling with the bags and was like,

"I can't let my baby struggle!"

"I gotta get these bags!"

Fuck, no! I was just like, "Stupid bitch! Bring less bags.

Dumb motherfucker. That was dumb as all hell."

"Bringin' bags you ain't got enough arms for.

Who the fuck does that?

You see, I got bags for arms, baby girl. That's how I goddamn roll.

Hell's wrong with you?"

So she's strugglin', lookin' stupid,

and I'm just watching like, "Mm-mm-mm," you know?

"Mm."

Then this dude comes and tries to save the day,

'cause that's what dudes like to do, you know?

Especially when men see a masculine woman. That's their favorite shit.