The Good Place

- Hey, dingdongs. We figured out

what's happened here.

You two are both named Eleanor Shellstrop.

The day you died, you were both in Phoenix, Arizona

shopping at the same grocery store.

Pffft.

- The "real Eleanor" was attending a conference

on the death penalty, and you stopped by to pick up

food for a local homeless shelter.

Food for a local homeless shelter.

And "fake Eleanor" was there buying margarita mix

and a magazine called "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters."

Incredibly, you both died in the same 10,000ths of a second

in the same traffic accident because Real Eleanor

was trying to save Fake Eleanor's life

by pushing you out of the way of the truck.

- I guess you really botched that one, eh?

I did, and I am so, so sorry.

It's all good.

- So how did you not realize you had the wrong Eleanor?

- So how did you not realize you had the wrong Eleanor?

- Oh, we don't know what people look like...

Only names and profiles. On Earth, they're just

dots on a map.

- Whatever, we got our wires crossed,

we picked up the wrong dot, blah, blah, blah, blah

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Point is, there are two Eleanors.

The nice, boring one is yours. The trash bag is ours...

- Wh... - So, trash bag, let's go.

Let's hit it. And also... I'm still waiting on

that smile, gorgeous. - Trevor.

- Where's that smile? - Trevor, how about

- Where's that smile? - Trevor, how about

we negotiate? Maybe give you something else.

- What in the world could you have

that we would want?

- All right, how about a unicorn?

Right? I bet you don't have one of those.

No, that is true, yeah.

Might be fun

to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh,

maybe break off the horn, grind it up, snort it.

Okay, let's keep talking. Yeah.

Fake Eleanor, a word?

- It's just me, man. You can just say, "Eleanor."

- It's just me, man. You can just say, "Eleanor."

- Sorry, it just makes things easier.

Look, I'm not even sure how it would work for you to stay here

now that we know there's a real Eleanor, but in the meantime,

stay on your toes. Don't let Trevor

get inside your head.

Can I ask you something?

Why are you helping me?

- Well, Chidi made a very good argument on your behalf,

but it's more than that. I truly believe

that the Good Place is where you belong.

You're part of our team.

You're part of our team.

- Hi! Oh, you must be

the new student Eleanor Shellstrop.

I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.

Cool.

- Well, welcome to Adobe High, home of the Scorpi-oties!

Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions,

half wanted to be the Coyotes, so we compromised.

Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?

Yeah, no thanks, moptop.

Uh, sorry?

- Don't need your help, don't wanna sign your yearbook

in, like, gel pen, don't wanna bedazzle

our college essays, or whatever. I'm here for like six months,

our college essays, or whatever. I'm here for like six months,

and I'm gonna fly solo.

- Beat it, Gloria. She is, like, such a dork.

She, like, loves this school so much.

Why don't you come sit with us? We'll teach you which guys are

cute and which teachers are secretly pervs, and...

- Yeah, that's a hard pass as well.

I don't wanna get chunky highlights,

make fun of nerds, and steal your mom's flavored vodka.

I get your whole "mean girl" thing,

and I'm all set with it, thanks.

In fact...

Listen up, everyone.

I'm Eleanor, I'm new here, and as a blanket statement

for everyone: I don't wanna be a part of whatever little group

you've formed because they're all equally lame.

Everybody cool? Great.

- Hey, that was really cool, the way you told

all those poseurs... - No.

- Michael, welcome. How can I help you?

- Well, if I'm going to save Fake Eleanor,

I need some help negotiating. I don't even know what to offer.

I need some help negotiating. I don't even know what to offer.

I mean, what do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn?

A unicorn bib, yes! No, no, uh, unicorn holders,

you know, like... like, corn holders, but for unicorns?

- Perhaps, it'd be better if we just move away

from the unicorn thing altogether.

No, you're right, you're right.

And anyway, there's a bigger problem:

the Bad Place Crew... They're all terrible bullies,

and they outnumber me. They even have

their own Bad Janet. I'll show you.

Bad Janet?

Bad Janet?

What?

- Bad Janet, uh, where is the nearest café?

- Oh, um, that's a good question.

It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.

What is even the purpose

of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?

- Unclear, but the... the point is I never have to deal with

negative emotion of any sort. I could use some backup, Tahani.

Oh, Michael, of course.

Why don't you just bring them all here?

Surely this magnificent house will placate them.

Surely this magnificent house will placate them.

- Oh, perfect, perfect. I'll be right back.

Well, here's... your house.

- It's beautiful... I love Icelandic primitive design.

I kind of wish it had a clown nook, oh...

There it is.

- Here's the bedroom. It's kind of hard

to get up on this dumb ledge though, it's like...

You have got to be forking kidding me.

- Hey, Fake Eleanor, we used this same clown painting

to decorate the room you were supposed to live in down there.

I swear to Bieber.

I swear to Bieber.

- Wait, what was your house like?

- Well, I was living in what I assume

is Eleanor's worst nightmare.

Every day was basically one endless baby shower

for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow

I had to organize it.

And if I didn't remember everyone's name,

I got a very strong electric shock.

Yep, that was my pitch.

- And then at night, it was pretty classic torture.

Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv,

and there was always jazz music playing.

- Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song

- Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song

is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it.

You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.

Famously a piano player.

- I don't mean to be a bother, but could I possibly

get some water and whatever food

doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?

- Oh, of course, so sorry. Let's get some dinner.

- Yeah, we'll all go. Perfect double date:

Two losers, a trash bag, and a demon.

Let's hit it.

Eeh!

- All right, Michael, we're going to ply them

with delicious food and drink, and then we're going to subtly

segue into negotiation.

- They're sure to be in a good mood.

Everything is absolutely beautiful.

This sucks, dude.

Yeah, this food, uh, blows.

Yo, Good Janet.

Hi, there.

- Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.

- Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeño"?

Also: what is a "poppers"?

Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?

- Oops, sorry, guys. Uh, see, in the confusion,

Janet got rebooted, so she hasn't quite uploaded

Janet got rebooted, so she hasn't quite uploaded

all of the info she usually knows.

That's hilarious.

She's almost as stupid as people.

- Oh, hey now, come on. Let's not insult people, please.

Uh, I'm Michael,

I love, uh, idiot humans!

- I gotta admit... That does sound like me.

- "I got to admit... That does sound like me."

Oh, nailed it again.

Go get me a drink.

Yes, of course.

Yes, of course.

- Aw, man, this is gonna make a primo dump later on.

- Well, that looks delicious. What is that?

- Oh, it's Tom Yum Goong soup. It reminds me of when I was

in Thailand rescuing victims of human trafficking.

- Ooh, that sounds so good. I mean, um, the soup, not the...

human trafficking.

- Oh, and I think your grilled eggplant looks so good.

Should we...

Splitsies? - Yeah!

- I can't believe you thought you could

- I can't believe you thought you could

pretend to be Real Eleanor.

She's like a perfect ball of light,

and you're like a... wet pile of mulch.

Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves

and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.