Single Parents

- Dude. - Dude.

- We are out. - We are out, and it is nighttime.

No wine. Wine is work.

I'm drinking cocktails, and I'm gonna get looped.

- Let's get looped! - Looped!

Mm. Mm.

Don't try to hide it.

You are texting your boyfriend.

Okay. I'm sorry.

He's so cute. Look.

He sent me a pic of him and the girls.

Douglas acts tough,

but he's a straight-up undercover sweetheart.

He's a good dad, which I gotta say,

I find incredibly attractive,

- and I behave accordingly with my body. - Mm.

Real good stuff.

Real good barf town stuff.

I'm sorry, but you're in a relationship,

and I haven't touched butts with a dude

that isn't Graham's dad in forever.

So, you know,

guess I'll never meet anyone and I'll die alone.

Should we split a crab claw?

Ang, you're gonna meet someone.

And you could have any man out there

- who's open to hetero sex. - I have tried, okay?

I am on all of the apps. They're a nightmare.

The number of ways

we are allowing the name Brian to be spelled

- is out of control. - Okay.

Ang, you got to be positive

and believe that people can surprise you.

What if... hear me out... try being someone else tonight.

Have a no-strings, random hookup

where you basically play a character.

- You know what? - Huh?

Listen to me.

See my face.

Hear my words.

I am in!

My girl.

- Yes. - That's what I'm talking about.

- Let's see what we got. - Okay.

Oh.

Okay, I could do that for one night.

So could I...

is what I would say

if I weren't in this committed relationship.

So, you go.

Be an upbeat, fun, positive person.

- Fun, upbeat, positive person. - Fun, upbeat, positive person.

- Fun, upbeat, positive person. - Fun, upbeat, positive person.

Hey.

Sorry. That seat's taken.

By you.

That is...

- That is good. - Yeah.

Too good.

I'm Camille.

I'm a people person.

Work with people.

As a flight attendant.

Well, you've got my tray table

in the upright position.

Well, I'm Xander with an "X," like "xylophone,"

which I actually play... well.

Cool.

- Just a second. - Oh.

Positive.

He told me he plays Xylophone!

Xylophone? Wow.

Beautiful instrument.

Love to see it.

Ah.

There she is!

Not surprised you slept well.

That mattress is from the W Hotel collection.

Not cheap.

I'm just gonna hop into my deluge shower,

and then maybe we'll grab some yum-yums?

Ohh. Yeah, you know what?

I am so bummed, but I have a flight.

Yeah, no, I get it.

I fly to Vegas 40 times a year.

Uh, so, why don't you just write down your didgies,

and we'll, uh, find another time

to roll out of bed together.

Whoa.

Douglas?

That's weird.

Xander Fogerty?

No. Who are you, dude?

Ugh.

Ugh!

I hooked up with Douglas' son!

02x07 - Xander & Camille

Uch!

I cannot have hooked up with Douglas' son.

It's too genetically close to hooking up with Douglas.

- Excuse me? - Oh, sorry.

I'm so happy for you guys.

I mean, what kind of undercover sweetheart has a secret son?

I mean, I need a drink.

Or food. Or a swim.

- What time is it? I'm all turned around. - You know what?

- What? - We're being crazy.

Our lives aren't exciting enough for this kind of drama.

Xander probably isn't even his son.

That photo could have been one of those

Big Brother-Little Brother situations.

Yeah. There's a logical explanation.

Let's... Let's just go talk to Douglas...

- ...get some peace of mind. - Yeah.

Yeah, I have a son. So what?

I have to shower... hard.

Wha...

All right, I gotta scoot to work.

We got a big heat wave coming in.

You know, normally we only name storms,

but I'm thinking about giving this guy a name...

"Heatwave Harry." Too cute?

How about "Heatwave Miggy"?

How about we leave this to the pros, okay?

Okay.

- Plaza Pizza. - Vitelli's.

Malonadoney's.

Yeah. Sorry, guys. This is 248 South.

The halfway house is 248 North.

- Those are for us. - Hello.

Thank you, gentlemen.

We tipped on the app.

Uh, what's going on?

We're having a pizza tasting!

And how did you children order the pizza?

- With the Internet. - And Miggy's credit card.

- Miggy! - Yo?

Pepperoni?

You gave them your credit card?

What? Nah. They stole it.

Yeah, they always pull pranks like this when I babysit.

They take my credit card, order stuff online,

and throw pepperoni at my butt.

It's our thing.

It shouldn't be your thing.

Those kids need to be punished, okay?

Jack is gonna get bigger,

and you need to learn how to discipline.

Oh, yeah, see,

I'm no... I'm not really huge into discipline.

My approach is more improvisational.

I keep it light and unexpected, like jazz.

- Jazz? - Yeah, jazz.

Like, skibbee-doo-wop, boopity-boop-boop.

I know what jazz is,

even though that was an insane example.

Jazz is more like...

- That was excellent. - I know.

Miggy, discipline has to be direct and precise,

like a marching band, right?

Watch.

- I'll take that... - Hey!

- ...and that... - Dad!

- ...and that. - My Candy Crush!

You were disrespectful to Miggy.

Now this is happening. Deal.

What are we supposed to do now?

- Go play outside. - Outside?

Outside of what?!

See? Easy.

And fun.

Okay.

How do you have a son I don't know about?

Easy. I don't speak to him.

But he's your son.

Well, genetically we share some things, sure...

you know, full head of hair, good wingspan,

Broadway thighs...

- but that's where it ends. - No.

I-I have a million questions.

Were... Were you and his mom married?

Very briefly.

She was legal counsel

for a chewing-tobacco company.

Now, the divorce was amicable, but brutal for sport.

Look, Pop, I don't want to talk about Xander, okay?

It was an incident a long time ago... very painful.

No. No, Douglas.

You don't get to ignore your own kid.

You... You gotta fix this.

Look, I'm done trying to mend fences.

We're estranged, okay?

It's a shame, but that's that.

- Yeah, but, Douglas, you... - No, no, no. No "but"...

except for your butt, which I like very much.

They're too quiet, man.

Everything's fine.

The marching-band approach works.

See?

They're learning their lesson and having a ball.