The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Jazz, I got 10 bucks that says you bluffing worse than Haiti.

Let's see you beat three kings.

- Two pair. - Yes.

A pair of red fives and a pair of black fives.

That is eight pots in a row.

Couldn't nobody be that lucky unless they were cheating.

It ain't cheating, Will. It's focus.

The fact is the only time I ever concentrate is when I'm playing poker. It's a gift.

According to my calculations, over the last three years...

...Jazz has beaten us for approximately $13,000.

Would've been 14 if you hadn't gone back to Philly.

My wallet sure missed you, homey.

Well, I wasn't in Philly the whole time, Jazz.

No? Where were you, Kalamazoo?

Alabama.

And what were you doing in Alabama?

I witnessed a murder.

[SINGING THE "FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]

You ain't witnessed no murder. Did he, Carlton?

I'm not at liberty to discuss this. And you shouldn't either.

Oh, shut up, Carlton.

Ain't nothing that me and Will don't know about each other.

Except this.

For real?

Tell me.

He can't.

Agent Moore swore us to secrecy.

Look, Carlton is right, Jazz. Sorry I brought it up. Let's just play.

Will, if you don't tell me what went down, our friendship is over.

It all started on a hot August day back in Philly.

Okay, you want to ante up?

I had just arrived at Duke's with my girl, Laqueesha.

The City of Brotherly Love's finest sister.

Oh, baby, thank you so much for walking me to work.

And thank you for breakfast too.

Oh, well, am I a better cook than your mama?

You all got different styles.

My mom usually like to cook with her clothes on.

I guess when she comes home from her trip...

...I'm gonna have to go back to my own place, huh?

Well, either that or we have to be very, very quiet.

See, my moms won the WDAS-FM Back To Africa Contest.

She spotted anything culturally wrong in The Lion King.

Mmm.

I will see you later.

Little did she know that's the last time she'd see me.

Your woman was murdered?

Can I finish?

My fault, go ahead.

All of a sudden this big dude comes out of the kitchen.

- Hey, man, what was you doing in there? - I'm with the Health Department.

- Hey, you... - Do you have any...?

Oh, man, Duke, Duke. Duke.

I feared the worse when I got to Duke's office.

And I was right.

Oh, Mama, no.

I'd never seen a dead body before.

Of course, Curtis sees them all the time. He works at the post office.

Turns out the mob was trying to muscle in on the lucrative Philly-cheese-steak market.

Duke told them, "Over my dead body. "

I sure do miss him.

Man, it was up to me to finger Duke's killer.

That's him. That's him. Number three, that's him.

You're positive it isn't one of the others?

No, that's him. That's him, man.

Send the first two out.

The man we are looking at is John "Fingers" O'Neill...

...the number one hit man for the mob.

I'm going to start on the paperwork.

Um...

Boy, your choking days is over.

You're going to jail, fool.

Lucky there's 5 inches of glass between us.

Boy, I might just tear off into...

All I could think was...

Turn around!

- He saw you. - You think?

O'Neill escaped by bowling over nine agents and a DEA dog.

My life was in danger so they put me in witness protection...

...in Deliverance, Alabama.

They hooked me up with a new life and a new name.

Floyd Palmer?

Hey, look, no. Uh-uh. Come on.

I'm more like a Malcolm Akbar Mustafa.

It's taken.

Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, hold up. Come on.

I'm a city boy. You know, I got to get out to:

I gotta get out to the club and get my little groove on.

Talk some jazz. Got me?

Well, the nearest town is Hatred, Mississippi.

I can check if there's dancing.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I at least call my family in Bel-Air?

Absolutely not.

They've been informed you're in the program.

They wish you luck.

I was scared and somewhat alone.

So I did what I always do when faced with adversity.

Of course I love you, Laqueesha.

I don't think your butt is too saggy.

Please, O'Neill, no.

Oh, please don't kill me.

- I bet it was the killer, right? - Are you in or out?

I'm out, I'm out.

Tough break. Your full house would have beaten my seven high.

I bet it was the killer, right?

Look, Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable telling you any more, man.

Who knows? Your life could be in danger.

What life? I'm a married man.

By the way, if Jewel asks, we were at our pottery class tonight.

So I bet it was the killer, right?

All right, all right, I'll tell you, but ante up first.

Man, it was the most horrifying thing I had ever seen.

Uncle Phil.

Hey, man, what you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

Well, son, I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

You see, years ago I fell in love with...

...and married a wonderful woman named Vivian.

Vivian had a sister named Vy.

Vy gave birth to a child named Will...

...whose sole purpose in life has been to make mine a living hell.

Now, you've done a lot to me over the last four years...

...but how you managed to have me ripped out...

...of my wonderful life in Bel-Air...

...and relocated to this landfill boggles my mind.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Is that a toupee?

Yes, it's a toupee.

It's a part of my new identity.

You see what you do to me?

Where's the bathroom?

It's right through that door.

It leads outside.

Oh, yeah, I know.

You better take this broomstick. There's something living in there.

Hey, my family.

Aunt Viv. What happened?

The FBI heard that your hit man was gonna try to get to you through us.

So they put us in the witness protection program too.

See, Mom, I always said Will would be the ruin of this family...

...but did you listen to me? Does anyone ever listen to me?

- What are you babbling about, Carlton? - Carlton? There's no Carlton here.

Thanks to you, Carlton Banks no longer exists.

He's now Little Zeke from Cabin Creek.

I hate to say it, Carlton, but you and your family are spoiled.

Sure, there was a homicidal maniac looking for you all...

...but you still got a free vacation on the government's tip.

Royal flush.

Mm. You win again.

Something must be affecting my concentration. Go on, Will.

Yeah, go on, Will.

Jacks are better?

I knew if I could get Uncle Phil on my side, the others would come around.

- Hey, Uncle Phil. - Big Zeke to you.

Uncle Phil, how you gonna be mad at me? You always telling me to do the right thing.

So? You never listened to me before, why did you have to do it now?

What was I supposed to do?

Just let Duke's killer get away?

I know.

I know you did what you had to do.

Man, I just hope the FBI catches him before he gets to me.

You scared, son?

Not so much now that you're here.

Hey, man, look, want to try fishing tomorrow?