A.P. Bio

Mm, he's, uh...

he's on his way, I just texted him, so...

- Did he text you back? - Nope.

Nope.

All right, everybody. Start to shut up.

Ralph, what brings you here?

You're late. I'm... I'm covering for you.

It's school policy. You can't leave these students unattended.

Is that a real rule? That's nuts.

He literally leaves us alone all the time.

Uh, narc much?

Just... just try to be on time.

All right, yeah. Totally.

Come on, dude.

Is it... ah! Just gonna get some, uh...

Hey!

Jack, where are you goin'?

- Uh, I need SunChips. - We just discussed this.

You... you can't just leave because you want chips.

Ah, come on.

So I had an interesting morning.

As I was pulling out of my dead mom's driveway,

I turned on my number one NPR voice crush, Terry Gross,

only to find that she was interviewing my rival, Miles.

I was so distracted by this injustice

that I accidentally backed over a possum.

Specifically, his lower half.

He was flat from about here down.

And he was shouting, uh, a lot.

And this presented me with an interesting

philosophical dilemma.

Was it kinder to let this animal slowly die

or to bash it to death with a big wrench?

And once I'd done so, I turned and saw

that one of the possum's relatives

was staring right at me.

He witnessed the entire thing.

This presented me with another beautiful philosophical dilemma.

Was it kinder to let this new possum be driven mad

by what he'd seen, or do I bash him to death

with a giant wrench as well?

Needless to say, my morning became

a veritable killing field situation.

And now I'm going to have to power wash my dead mom's driveway.

- Yeah. - Awesome.

Sounds like you were lashing out

'cause you were angry that Miles has a best-seller.

Marcus, you of all people should be able to discern

when I'm lashing out.

Maybe you should write your own best-seller.

I've considered that.

It's just difficult to get any work done in this town,

with its possums and their screams.

There was so much... screaming.

I need SunChips.

One, two, three, four!

Book ideas? You writing a book, Jack?

Oh, just getting down some thoughts.

Oh, you know what kind of books I like?

- Sex mysteries. - Mm-hmm. Like "Gone Girl"

- and "Girl on the Train." - Mm-hmm.

Anything where there's a girl and she's missing or ideally, dead.

Yes, yes. Ooh, okay, so you know what

your book could be about?

Three women who are best friends,

but then the Asian one gets taken.

For sex.

- Jack, come on! - Oops.

- Ooh! - Busted.

Dirty man!

This policy is there for your protection.

You're responsible if something happens to one of your students

while you're out toodling around.

Ralph, Ralph, these kids are teenagers.

You think they can't be left alone for two seconds?

Go!

Are you okay? What happened?

How did this happen?

He fell. We were playing Jelly Bean Quidditch.

Yeah, it's where you stand on your desk

and throw jelly beans in each other's mouths.

How is that Quidditch? Where's the golden snitch?

- So nerdy. - Ah... it... nerdy.

Victor? Victor?

You okay, buddy? You wanna hop up there?

You know, this all happened

because Mr. Griffin left us unattended.

He can't do that. School policy.

Yes, Sarika, thank you for taking

what I said earlier and shouting it at me.

Okay, let's take this to my office.

Concussion test.

Pupils not dilated.

Eyelashes are gorgeous. That is not fair. Gimme, gimme.

Impulse control. On the count of three,

look right into here and do not blink, okay?

Wah!

Okay, this is bad. All right, Victor

could be hurt, the school could get sued.

It's... it's like you only care

- about yourself, Jack. - Technically, deep down,

we all only care about ourselves.

- Psychological egoism. - Well, you know what?

I happen to care about this school.

But... but yeah, you don't respect that.

And... and frankly, I don't...

I don't think you respect me.

Oh, come on, Ralph. You know we coo.

No, I don't know that. Are we coo?

I'm gonna take Victor back to class.

He's still a bit slow, but I think that was already there.

Ah, yeah.

Wait, who's with the kids right now?

Oh, God, we left them alone again!

- That's hilarious. - Jack, plea...

- Helen, go cover for me. - I also called

the teacher's union and the rep is here to see Jack.

Which one... wa... not Kim.

Not Kim. Oh, God, please not Kim.

Not Kim, please, not Kim.

Hey! Kim! What's up?

Jack, don't say another word.

- Ralph, get out. - The room is yours.

- Tums? - No, I'm good.

I'm freakin' addicted.

My name is Kim Burke and as your union rep,

I am always on the side of the teacher.

I don't care if you did kill that kid.

I don't wanna know.

As I see it, you have two options.

Or, as I like to call them...

doors.

Huh?

Door number one:

admit you're at fault, take a one week,

unpaid suspension.

However, this could go on your permanent record.

- So... - Eh.

Then there's door... or option... two.

We fight it!

You should know, this could take a while.

Because there will be an investigation.

Right, and while all that's going on,

you won't be allowed back in that classroom.

Say more about that.

You'd be in something called teacher jail,

which is basically a trailer where you sit around all day.

But that could take a couple months.

That's a long time to not get paid.

Oh, who said that? You would get paid.

Full salary.

You know what?

It feels wrong sweeping this under the rug.

I'd be willing to stay in that damn jail

for as long as it takes to make this right.

Say the words, Jack,

and I will unleash the dogs.

Kim...

unleash the dogs.

This is teacher jail.

Yeah, I bet I can guess what some of these guys did.

Right now, I'm taking you

off my team and handing you over to the coach.

He's gonna take it from here.

All right.

Here's the rules, Kemosabe:

Number one, every day you're here,

you've gotta sign in.

Sorry, I was waiting for number two.

Okay. All right.

How we feeling?

Been through so much.

That's why Principal Durbin has entrusted me

with the sacred duty to... as he would say...

just take care of it, Helen.

So I went on my computer and I searched

for every available sub in the district.

And I think I found someone that you're really gonna love.

Come on in, don't be shy. Come on.

Tada! It's me.

You think I'd leave you guys with a stranger?

I'm gonna teach you what I know.

Starting with the gorgeous velveteen labyrinth

that is the female reproductive system.

This is my cervix.

Who can tell me the five things that are wrong with it?

Okay, ladies.

I'm trying to get a sense of the culture around here.

- Nobody? - Mm-mm.

All right, then.

Is everybody following the supervision policy?

I do. Other people may leave their class sometimes.

Not me. Not even if I have to use the bathroom.

- I just control it. - She's so dedicated.

- Oh, she's amazing. - She's a queen.

She has pooped her pants a couple of times.

- Wait, what? - I have.

But I just borrow some red track pants from lost and found.

I wash them and put them back.

- Nobody wants those now. - Let the lost be lost.