I'm Thinking of Ending Things

I'm thinking of ending things.

Once this thought arrives, it stays.

It sticks, it lingers, it dominates.

There's not much I can do about it, trust me.

It doesn't go away.

It's there whether I like it or not.

It's there when I eat, when I go to bed. It's there when I sleep, when I wake up.

It's always there. Always.

I haven't been thinking about it for long.

The idea is new.

But it feels old at the same time.

When did it start?

What if this thought wasn't conceived by me,

but planted in my mind, pre-developed.

Is an unspoken idea unoriginal?

Maybe I've actually known all along.

Maybe this is how it was always going to end.

Jake once said,

"Sometimes the thought is closer to the truth,

to reality, than an action.

You can say anything, you can do anything, but you can't fake a thought."

The road is mostly empty.

It's quiet around here. Vacant.

More so than anticipated.

So much to see, but not many people.

Not many buildings or houses.

Sky.

Trees, fields, fences.

The road and its gravel shoulders.

"You wanna stop for a coffee?" "I think I'm OK I say.

"Last chance we'll have before it becomes really farm-y."

I'm visiting Jake's parents for the first time.

Or I will be when we arrive.

Jake, my boyfriend.

He hasn't been my boyfriend for very long.

It's our first trip together.

Our first long drive.

So it's weird that I'm feeling nostalgic,

about our relationship, about him, about us.

I should be excited, looking forward to the first of many.

But I'm not. Not at all.

I've seen more barns on this drive than I've seen in years.

Maybe in my life.

They all look the same.

Some cows, some horses, sheep, fields.

And barns.

Such a big sky.

Feels like I've known Jake longer than I have.

What has it been?

Oh, a month?

Six weeks, maybe seven.

I should know exactly. I'll say seven weeks.

The assumptions are right. I can feel my fear growing. Now is the...

We have a real connection. A rare and intense attachment.

I've never experienced anything like it.

…growing. Now is the time for the answer. Just one question.

One question to answer.

It's snowing!

Winter is comin' in!

Yep.

Look at the sky.

I'm thinking of ending things.

- Huh? - What?

Did you say something?

No, I don't think so.

Weird.

- Yeah. -

I'm thinking of ending things.

What's the point in carrying on like this?

I know what it is, where it's going.

Jake is a nice guy, but...

it's not going anywhere. I've known this for a while now.

Maybe it's human nature to keep going in the face of this knowledge.

The alternative requires too much energy.

Decisiveness.

Hmm.

People stay in unhealthy relationships because it's easier.

Basic physics.

An object in motion tends to stay in motion.

People tend to stay in relationships past their expiration date.

It's Newton's first law of emotion.

Do you want to stop for a coffee

or something, a... a snack?

It's... it's going to get pretty farm-y

- pretty fast now. - No, no, no, I'm... I'm fine.

- You sure? - Mm-hmm.

Don't want to spoil my appetite.

OK

[audio from Mr. Peabody and Sherman on television]

You know, my mother hasn't been feeling well recently.

- Oh. - So...

I'm sorry.

I'm just saying that there might not be much of a spread,

that she might not be up to a lot of cooking.

Um...

- She hasn't been well. - What's going on with her?

Just saying, if you want to stop for a snack

or anything like that, it would probably be fine...

um...

in terms of appetite spoiling.

It might even be advisable.

I'm fine.

OK

- - Come, join me, my friends,

and accept Jesus into your hearts,

for as Isaiah 1:18 tells us,

though your sins be as scarlet,

they shall be as white as snow.

They really are looking forward to meeting you.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression.

- Aww, that's nice to hear. - ...a lot about you.

Yeah, I-I-I'm... I'm...

I'm really looking forward to meeting them too.

Maybe it's unfair of me to be going on this trip with Jake…

When I'm so uncertain about our future, our lack of it.

After all, going to meet your boyfriend's parents

is the proverbial next step, isn't it?

The truth is, I haven't even told my parents I'm dating Jake.

I've never mentioned him, and I don't think I ever will.

She hasn't been feeling well.

Getting old ain't for sissies, as Bette Davis said.

True, although...

one might just take issue with her use of the word sissy...

- Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yes, sir. - ...as a pejorative.

It was a different time.

I guess it's curiosity.

Jake is certainly hard to figure.

Maybe it's like a window into his origins.

The child being father of the man and all.

Are you a fan of Wordsworth, then?

- Wordsworth? - William Wordsworth, the poet?

Um...

Not... I'm not familiar, really.

Why do you ask?

Just thinking about him for some reason.

- - He popped into my head.

His poem Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood.

- Jesus, that's the title? -

- Sounds like an entire poem. - Well…

- I'm thinking of... - Get your words' worth with Wordsworth.

Fired.

Do you want to hear how it starts?

- It's just that the... - I'm not a metaphorical-type gal.

It's just that that one speaks to me.

Uh, incidentally, Wordsworth wrote a series of poems to a woman named Lucy.

Like me!

A beautiful, idealized woman

who dies young.

Oh, yikes.

Well, the comparison goes only as far as your name.

Phew.

And that you are ideal,

- of course. - Yeah, yeah.

Ah, that's very sweet.

It's just…

Who's that?

Uh, it's just a friend.

I'm not gonna answer.

- You can, I don't mind. You should. - Eh, it's OK

- It's all right. - I don't mind.

That's odd. Did you see that swing set

- we just passed? - What swing set?

It was weird. It was this beautiful new swing set

in front of an abandoned house.

- No. I missed it. - What?

I didn't see it.

Why would that be there?

I mean, clearly no one's lived in that house for years.

Someone's moving in, and...

they brought the swing set first? That's all I can think of.

- I... - That seems

like an unlikely sequence of events.

You know, like, to have something

to entertain the kids while the parents are getting the house ready.

Odd.

They're saying, uh,

- there might be a fair amount of snow. - Yeah?

They're predicting it.

Do you think we should maybe turn back?

I've got a fair amount of...

well, a lot, actually, of work to do tomorrow.

I need to get home tonight so that I...

I think we'll be OK. I've got tire chains in the trunk.

- What are you working on? - Oh, I have a paper due Wednesday.

Which one is this?

Susceptibility to rabies infection

in the sensory dorsal root ganglia neurons.

The trigeminal ganglia as well, right?

Yes, exactly.

Point for me.

Interested in and knowledgeable about my girlfriend's work.

Point for Jake.

- How's the paper going? - Oh...

It's nowhere actually.

I really do need to get back tonight, deal with it first thing.

I'll get you home!