Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Okay, squad, the funeral's at 3:00,

followed by a reception at Shaw's Bar.

I want you all on your best behavior.

Yeah, and all eyes are gonna be on us

because Frick and Frack here killed Captain Dozerman.

Hey, we accidentally startled a man

with a genetic heart condition.

If you really think about it, his parents killed him.

All right, whatever.

Look, there's a horse race going off in Dubai.

I got serious money on it.

Dismissed.

Oh, yeah, we should all check out that race.

God.

He is the worst captain we've ever had.

He drew boobies on my bulletproof vest.

He stared at me for 90 seconds while he ate an entire peach.

He heard that I speak Spanish,

and he made me fire his housekeeper.

She was Polish.

At least he doesn't practice

his crane kicks with you.

I said not to move!

I didn't move.

Listen, guys.

Jake and I were talking last night.

Pillow talk alert! Set the scene.

- Spooning or face-to-face? - Charles.

Spooning.

Anyway, we came up with a plan.

Jake is going to befriend the Vulture

so he lays off of us.

It's true.

I'm gonna bro down with him.

If everything goes according to plan,

we should be beer pong doubles partners

by the end of the week.

Now somebody get me a puka shell necklace.

I'm going full douche.

Okay.

Hey, 'sup, bro?

'Sup, Jake?

Got a little update for you

on that Deberg assault case.

Turns out the victim's wife was super hot.

Yeah, I read the file. She's a mom.

Not interested.

True that.

So listen, I've been thinking.

We got off on the wrong foot here.

And I believe it's 'cause we're just

too damn similar.

- You do? - Absolutely.

We both love premium tequila...

Yeah.

- Robin Thicke. - Oh, yeah.

- Gots to have my puks. - Gots to.

And of course, most importantly: Nip slips.

Let me ask you a question, Jake.

You also like Okinawan martial arts?

Because you left this in my back.

Hmm?

What I'm saying, Einstein,

is that you stabbed me in my back.

How so?

We came up with a plan.

Jake is going to befriend the Vulture

so he lays off of us.

Busted. I knew that you were faking it.

I'll bet you don't even like nip slips!

So, what, you bugged the briefing room?

No, Scully butt-dialed me yesterday

and he still hasn't hung up.

Once again, Scully's butt is the downfall

of this precinct.

Look, Jake, I know that you and Santiago

are trying to take me down.

You guys go home. You lay in bed together.

You plot against me.

Well, no longer.

I want you to dump Santiago, and that's an order.

What? You can't do that.

It's completely against the rules.

Okay, Sonia Sotomayor.

I would never break the rules.

But what I could do, for totally

"unrelated reasons," is have you busted

back down to a beat cop.

No, don't do that, all right?

I can learn to love nip slips.

No, you either love them, or you don't.

It's too late.

You dump Santiago, or you kiss

that detective badge good-bye.

Beat it.

First time back in the Nine-Nine.

Mm.

I really miss these people,

the whole crew... Jake, Terry, bleh.

I forget all the other names.

Just remember, we're here as PR representatives.

I don't wanna be.

Too bad.

We're like rock stars to these people.

They're gonna go nuts, just like...

I would hate it if these doors opened

and everyone stopped working to applaud us.

Hmm, nothing.

You must be loving this.

Yes.

What?

He's ordering us to break up?

Look, we can deal with this.

We just need a new plan.

I got it.

We lie, tell him we broke up,

and then date in secret.

Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain?

- Okay, new plan. - Uh-huh.

Captain Holt is here today.

Yes, genius!

He loves us,

and he's got tons of sway in the department.

He'll tell the Vulture to back down.

Yeah, he'll be all...

"Vulture, I must insist

that you desist."

I really think this is gonna work.

Also, if you ever want to bust out

that Holt impression at home,

I'd be okay with that.

Oh, okay.

Duly noted, super disturbing,

but I'm definitely gonna do it.

Hey, G-spot!

Rosa, Charles, oh, I missed you guys so much.

Really, 'cause when you left, you made a pretty big deal

of deleting us from your phone.

Girl, that was just the showman in me.

PR is so boring.

I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat.

I don't think we're that dramatic.

I've been gone one week.

Jake and Amy are dating, and they've killed a person.

Come on, Charles.

You got to have something weird and tragic going on.

Nope.

Not unless you call hooking up with a girl

at a funeral "weird and tragic."

Home run!

Her name is Lieutenant Singh.

She's super hot.

We were seated next to each other two funerals ago.

And there was hard eye contact all through "Danny Boy."

Last funeral, we made out in the parking lot.

This time...

Something naughty this way comes.

Ugh. What do you even know about this person?

Oh, we don't know anything about each other.

She says she likes that about us.

It's just pure animal attraction.

This is creepy and unlike you.

You even know her first name?

Oh, um, do animals in the wild

know each other's names?

Look, all I know is, Charles Boyle

is going to that funeral,

and he's going to put the "bone"

back in boneyard.

Hmm, strange to be on this side of the desk.

Why?

Oh, right, you used to work here.

You know I made a lot of improvements since you left?

I got a fridge for my protein shakes.

I got a kettlebell station.

I got a wolf that I killed in Utah.

I'm fairly certain that's a dog.

Yeah, it was dark.

Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need you

to sign these...

Captain Holt, I didn't realize you were here.

Sergeant Jeffords, hello.

Welcome back.

Hey, you know, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Hugs are a form of inappropriate workplace touching.

Trust me, I'm very familiar

with the sexual harassment guidelines.

That'll be all.

Well, I won't take up too much of your time.

Because the Nine-Nine was Captain Dozerman's

last precinct, you will be seated

at the front of the funeral.

I wanted to alert you that there'll be press,

cameras...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cameras?

Crap, nobody said anything about cameras.

I got to rock the bells.

There we go.

Oh, I noticed in the bullpen that you had changed

the case numbering system.