Gary Unmarried

Ok, I'm freaking out.

We got one week to go, and I'm freaking out.

Hey, hey.

Relax, curtis. Isn't this, like, your third wedding?

Yeah, but charlene said it's definitely gonna be my last,

One way or the other.

I gotta tip my hat to you, man.

Getting married again.

I don't wanna say marriage is like jail,

But, you know, you lose all your freedom,

Somebody's screaming at you constantly,

And at the end of the day,

You realize, "I should have just hooked up with a dude."

My best man, ladies and gentlemen.

My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.

Bye. Bye. Bye, sweetie.

Hey, now, how we doing

On the groomsman checklist?

Are you kidding me?

We are on it.

We got, uh, tuxes rented,

Boutonnières...

Boutoned.

Hey, guys. Look who's here.

It's my sister rachel.

Ohh!

Wow, I figured, you know,

'cause, the weatherman said it was cloudy

With a chance of bitchy.

Uh, since rachel is a professional event planner,

She has generously offered to help me

With charlene and curtis' wedding.

Even though I didn't ask her.

Oh, stop thanking me.

Knowing it's been done right is thanks enough.

Well, ok. Um.

Curtis, the centerpieces

Are ready to be picked up.

They're kind of heavy, though.

The flowers are in these things

That look like giant bird baths.

What--what are they?

Giant bird baths.

Ok. Come on, guys. Let's go.

Uh, can we use your van, gary?

Of course you can. But, hey, look,

I have an exhaust leak.

I think the carbon monoxide might kill the flowers.

Flowers? What about us?

Uh...Well, my window goes down.

You know what? I'll wake you up when we get there.

So, rachel,

I haven't seen you since our little indiscretion

At gary and allison's wedding.

While you're in town, if you need someone to show you the sights...

I grew up here.

I mean the new sights,

Like the expanded 60 freeway.

Which, quite frankly, I'm ambivalent about.

I think it's a bad idea.

"ambivalent" doesn't mean "against."

It means " torn between 2 opposites."

Hmm.

I see you're just as much

Of a controlling ball-buster as you always were.

And you're still a big mess of dumb

Stuffed into knock-off jeans.

Kiss me. Try and stop me.

Allison, girl, we got a problem with the seating chart.

Ok, you put this guy at a table

With 3 different women he's slept with.

Oh.

This chick while he was married to this chick

While he was paying tuition for this slut's kid at uc-irvine.

Ohh.

Can we just move him to, I don't know, table 7?

Oh, well, you told me that curtis' grandma weighs 300 pounds.

She is table 7.

Ohh! Ohh!

Hey, allison, uh,

Curtis is putting the centerpieces out in the backyard.

Why is this table wrapped up?

Oh, I'm shipping it to my parents

For the new condo in palm springs.

What? Yeah.

The table I designed and paid for?

The table we had all our family meals around?

I really loved this table.

Yeah, they're doing, like, a southwest theme.

I think it's gonna look great.

Allison, this is the last straw.

You got every valuable thing we owned in the divorce.

What am I left with? Crappy furniture?

What? Broken down appliances?

Look, next time you want to give something away,

You gotta run it by me first. That's it.

Gary, we both signed off on the terms of the divorce.

If the table meant that much to you,

You should have fought for it then.

Besides, you shouldn't have hired

One of your surfing buddies to represent you.

I had to hire goose.

The guy's like a brother to me.

Not like a brother you're related to.

Just a brother that gets you high a lot.

Well, maybe you would have done better

With a lawyer who didn't say, "not cool"

When he meant to say, "I object."

All right.

You know what? I stand by my lawyer,

And I stand by his closing argument

When he told the judge that you're bogarting all my stuff.

Dude, I'm sick of your negative vibes.

You're totally bumming me out.

Hey, goose. What's, uh,

What's going on? You got a big legal case going on, or...

Nah, surf report.

Malibu's blown out and trestles is flat.

Look, can I, uh?

Yeah. Ok.

Listen, allison's trying

To give away a table that I paid for.

Don't I have any rights here?

Doubtful.

Her lawyer pretty much crushed it.

But you know what we could do?

We could file a motion claiming the table was undervalued

And the issue needs to be re-examined.

I'm gonna call the county clerk,

Set up an appointment.

Wow, look at you, goose.

"undervalued"? "re-examined"?

I'm impressed.

Yes, case number 19372561.

Brooks. Uh-huh.

Right.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Right.

Really? Ok.

Mahalo.

Uh, we're not gonna be able to file that motion, bud.

What? That's unbelievable.

Great. So, allison just gets to do whatever she wants?

Not exactly.

Hang on a sec. I might need some medicine for this.

ahem.

See, there's an inbox at the county clerk's office

Where the lawyers drop off divorce agreements to be processed.

The clerks enter it into what's called

A "register of actions"

And then, we pick it up.

So? Well,

Let's say a lawyer was running a little late

For his "drum circle" at venice beach

And accidentally picked it up before they entered it.

Then?

Long story short, the table's still yours.

Awesome.

'cause you and allison are still married.

Yecch.

You and mitch are still at it?

He's my crowning masterpiece.

Mitchell.

Oh, my gosh.

You've turned my brother into ryan seacrest.

I know, right?

I finally have a boyfriend who everyone will think is gay.

Bye, sweetie.

Hey, rachel.

Hey, gary, you ready to go pick up those rings?

4 days to go.

Hold on a second. You guys are never gonna believe this.

My attorney totally screwed up my divorce settlement.

I'm still married to allison.

What? Oh, my god.

Yeah, now I gotta get divorced all over again.

That'll be fun.

Well, hey, since you get a do-over,

See if you can get your deer antler coat rack back.

Oh, my god.

I know.

That proud beast could hold, like, 20 coats.

No, I mean I get to get divorced all over again.

Except this time, I can do it right.

I can get my fair share.

I can really stick it to allison. With a real attorney,

One that doesn't walk into court

With a cockatiel on his shoulder.

When I'm done, allison won't know what hit her.

Yeah, if you wanna end up

With even less than you have now.

What do you mean?

I mean no one's tougher in a fight than allison.

But if you butter her up,

Become the man she always wanted you to be,

Instead, whoa,

When it comes time to negotiate,

She'll be feeling a whole lot more generous.

You really think this could work?