Bordertown

Freeze, Coyote!

Hold it right there, Coyote!

Ha! One step ahead of you.

: Señor, I am not Coyote.

Coyote hired me as a decoy.

Fartsocks!

Well, it's been a great three weeks.

Time to go back to Mexico.

You've been a good sport, Bud.

: I'm not Bud.

I'm just a decoy Bud hired.

Ah, this is the life, Decoy Coyote.

What the hell?

Are you Janice's decoy?

Uh, yeah.

Whoa!

Ah, another tough day of working for the Man.

Hola, man. Looking good.

J.C., can I have my chair?

I'd like to take a load off.

Sorry, Uncle Ernesto. I can't get up.

I'm participating in a virtual sit-in.

We're protesting the destruction

of the red-breasted sparrow's habitat.

Uncle Ernesto, your laptop died for a noble cause.

Damn it, J.C. I wasn't done

Photoshopping myself into famous lawns.

You know, J.C., it's time you left the virtual world

and entered the real one.

Starting tomorrow, you're coming to work with me,

as part of my crew.

Yeah, you're a Mexican.

Only babies under the age of six days don't work.

I fixed the plumbing.

Gracias, baby plumber.

What?! 350 tickles?!

What the Kimmy Schmidt?

Hey! Get out of here, you ostrich!

I can't see the border!

The hell you doin'? This is government property.

Now get!

This, for my lumbar,

is actually nice.

Got to get rid of that office chair.

Gert, your brother is really going for it.

Don't you want to move a little more?

I stopped dancin' three minutes ago.

This is just the fat moving on its own.

Daddy!

What's the matter? You look down.

Well, you're shorter than me. It's the only way I can see you.

But I'm also bummed 'cause I can't get rid of this bird.

Well, if anyone can solve a problem, it's you!

You stole the money that fixed my cleft palate,

nose, forehead and chin.

You were born split entirely in half, Gert.

You had Downs-The-Middle-Syndrome.

Wow, look at you.

My workin' man.

Ha, where'd you get that uniform, the Idiot Store?

No. My uncle gave it to me.

I should know better than to tangle with a college wit.

J.C., you know, I like the idea of you having a job.

My fiancé, bringin' home the bacon.

It's sexy.

Really? Maybe later I'll landscape your garden.

Oh. I'll provide the manure.

Welcome, J.C.

Everybody, this is my nephew.

He just graduated from college.

I just want to say, I don't expect to be treated

any different on account of my advanced degrees.

Also, I brought doughnuts...

to eat for lunch!

So please don't touch them!

I've never had a job before.

Is bringing doughnuts for everybody a thing?

J.C., what do you want your nickname to be?

Uh, I don't know. The Blade?

I'm the Blade.

Pick one you can handle.

All right, men, let's go over today's assignments.

Martinez, you're on grass.

Fernandez, I'm putting you on grass today.

Diaz? You take grass.

Lopez, grass time, okay? Ready?

¡Uno, dos, tres! Grass!

Uh, Uncle Ernesto,

the term "backbreaking labor" is just an expression, right?

Hola, Ernesto.

Happy 19th birthday, Benito!

J.C., could you pick up leaves a little faster?

I'm going as fast as I can.

What have you done?!

Sorry, Uncle. It's just one hair.

Oh, J.C., how little you know!

There can be only one.

Eso.

Now, where were we?

Which Ernesto are you?

Does it matter?

All right, time to get rid of this nuisance ostrich.

Hey, friend!

Let's do ostrich stuff away from the station.

Uh-oh.

No! Stop! Let me go!

Don't ask.

And then a little later...

So, J.C.,

how was your first day on Ernesto's crew?

Ugh, it was hell. Uncle Ernesto,

your crew needs more breaks and better working conditions.

I only worked one day, and look at these blisters.

I used to get blisters.

But I kept working, and now look.

Enough, Ernesto!

The budget for proving how tough your hands are

is out of control!

I tell you, it's bad enough

I get humiliated every day by immigrants.

Now this damn ostrich won't leave me alone.

You know, Bud, maybe that ostrich is there to protect you.

In Native American culture, we believe everyone has a guardian

that watches over them.

It's called a spirit animal.

A spirit what?

A spirit animal.

A what animal?

A spirit animal.

A spirit what?

Bud, repeat after me:

- a... - A...

- spirit... - spirit...

- animal. - What?

I'm gonna kill him.

Spirit animal says chill out, bro.

Ernesto, why do you have to push J.C. so hard?

He's delicate.

I push him because he needs to learn

how to survive in the real world.

Sure, he's educated and knows a lot,

but he doesn't know how to do anything.

That's not true.

He made progressive G.I. Joes for Pepito.

I have serious moral qualms about this war.

Hey, Steve.

Hey, Buckwald. Let me give you a little tip.

Oh, wait, you already have it in your pants

because it's your penis. Boo-yah!

- Ow! What the... Ow! - (squawks)

Hey! You asked for it, buddy.

They don't give yellow belts to just anybody.

You got to pay ten bucks and show up to the class.

Leg sweep!

Thanks, ostrich.

Wow. Maybe George was right.

Maybe you are my spearmint caramel.

Well, looks like ol' Bud's

found himself a spirit animal.

Now watch me turn the picture upside-down.

Neat trick, huh?

Hey, guys. Why isn't anyone working?

Did someone see a caterpillar? I want it!

Uncle Ernesto, as the leader of the newly-formed

Landscapers Union of Mexifornia,

I'd like to see some improvements

to the working conditions before these men go back to work.

You unionized my workers?!

He's our Cesar Chavez!

And I'm our Samantha!

Oh, Straight Gardener Jorge.

We want better pay, health benefits

and access to the executive washroom.

Never!

J.C., how would you know what fair working conditions are?

You never worked a day in your life.

That's it. Drop your rakes, fellas.

We're on strike!

What?! Fine!

Uh, Aunt Maria, can you come pick me up?

Okay, honey.

Ernesto, I need you to pick up J.C. from the job site.

Okay.

Is there a good strike word that rhymes with "Ernesto"?

"Protest-o."

Hmm. Could you give me a few more options at dinner?

J.C. how could you leave my workers on strike?

I treat them very fairly.

Those men work in dangerous conditions without benefits.

They deserve a voice.