The Unicorn

I want the tire swing to hang in the pine.

Not the oak, the pine, okay?

Whoa, Brian, Brian, we're-we're good.

That's good. Uh...

- Hey, Forrest, what's going on? - Hey, Wade,

- you got a second? - Yeah, but only one.

I've got a lot going on today.

Oh, the wax leaf privets go along the walkway.

Can Addie come and hang at your place tonight?

Me and Delia have a thing.

Uh, yeah, yeah, she can come over after school,

and you guys can pick her up whenever.

Great. Thanks, man. You're the best.

You bet. Hey, uh, Eric,

we need more marble chips in that pathway.

Over by the, by the, by the fence.

Uh, hey, Delia.

- Hi, Wade. Did Forrest call you? - Uh, yes, he did.

We, uh, we have Addie covered.

Oh, great. And I need to update

her food sensitivities list.

She had a bad experience with a fig.

- Uh, we-we have no figs. - Also,

don't hate me, but no video games tonight.

Addie had real bad nightmares last time.

What, Mario Kart gave her nightmares?

Well, you know, it's like gorillas driving cars

really, really fast.

Vehicular safety is a real trigger for her.

Okay, no games, no figs.

- Talk to you later. - Okay. Bye-bye.

Uh, hey, Forrest.

Wade, Delia told you about Mario Kart?

Yes, Addie likes safety.

Well, it isn't so much the safety

as it is the gorillas.

Got you. No gorillas tonight. Got it.

- I gotta go. Bye. - Bye.

Oh, hey, uh, Norwood, be careful.

There's an irrigation line right there.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Wade. - Delia.

I've really got a lot going on right now. Oh!

Did I mention the figs, or am I going crazy?

Norwood?

Okay, Mr. Felton.

Doctor said your X-rays look good,

- it's just a bad sprain. - Oh!

- Great. - You're lucky.

Guy came in here yesterday who had the same kind of fall.

Broke his back.

Oh, that-that sounds like a long recovery.

Oh, he's not recovering.

I just need to update your patient information.

Are you still on Black Pond Road?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Any new medications, major illnesses or surgeries?

No, no, everything is still the same.

Emergency contact still Jill Felton?

Oh, uh, well, uh, I guess some things have changed.

No, that-that was my wife, and she-she passed.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Ah, it's-it's okay.

- Can-can I, uh, can I see that? - Yeah. Here.

Oh, hey, look at that, uh, AOL address.

That's old.

And the, uh, pager number. Don't have that.

Oh, wait a minute, I-I have two daughters now.

Should-should I just get you a new form?

Uh, probably.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - You're supposed to elevate it.

I'll elevate it. You don't touch it.

Oh, I ordered you Nomo's for dinner, too.

- Oh, man, you didn't have to do that. - I actually did.

Michele said, and I quote,

"Make sure that fool stays off his feet!"

Yeah, you know how it is.

You're a lifesaver.

You need anything else, you call me.

Yeah.

Dad, Dad, Addie is such a know-it-all.

She won't stop talking about

the different branches of government.

Don't you have a test on that tomorrow?

Why are you taking her side?

- Are you complaining about Addie again? - Ugh.

She's so annoying.

You just gotta stop being so dramatic.

Addie is way, way, way, way, way, way, way more

dramatic than me.

Could you just tell her how irritating it is?

You're 12 years old. You can figure it out.

Guess what.

If you stand in the back corner of your room,

you can hear our neighbor's TV perfectly.

Acoustics. Am I right?

- Your ears are so amazing. - Thank you.

Uh, can you girls, uh... Do you mind

- feeding the dogs for me? - Yeah.

Joyce, come on.

Did you know dogs aren't really color-blind?

Oh, my God.

Wade. Oh, my God.

I came as soon as I heard. Oh, look at you.

How are you... Oh, you gotta get this thing

- elevated, man. - No, it's fine.

- No, it's not fine. - Please, no, don't touch it.

- Don't touch... - My wife's a doctor.

- Oh, it's fine. - There you go.

All right. You gotta get it above your heart.

So, look, if you're good, I'll just take Addie

- and get out of your hair. - Uh, hey, before

- you do that, can I ask you a question? - Yeah, absolutely.

Um, who prepared your will for you?

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I was at the doctor's office,

and I realized that, um,

there's a lot of things that I needed to update.

Well, we-we used Delia's cousin Rory in Syracuse,

but, uh, he's not really in the legal game anymore.

You know, he's more into the dinner theater scene.

So if you're looking for a pirate

with a killer baritone, he's your guy.

Yeah, yeah, he's probably not my guy.

No, he's not. He's awful.

Oh, hey, what am I saying?

Cynthia, from my widows' group, she's a lawyer.

- Great. - I'll just give her a call.

All right, cool. All right, man.

- Ow, ow. - Come on, sweetie, let's go!

- Dad. - Yeah?

Can we play "mountain ranges" in the car?

Well, we're only going three blocks.

You got to be fast.

Himalayas.

Appalachians.

- Um, Rockies. - Blue Ridge.

- Right? - Good one, Dad.

- I know. - Adirondacks.

- Yeah. - Uh, Swiss Alps.

- You're late? - I'm late.

How late?

Late enough for you to get your butt in the car

and go to the drugstore and get a pregnancy test.

- Okay. - No, no, no, no, no.

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

W-W-Wait. Wait, wait.

I think I have a coupon.

- Why would you clip a coupon for this? - I don't know.

I clip coupons for everything.

Uh, here's a dog food coupon. We don't have a dog.

Baby, look.

I'm gonna go get this test.

Whatever happens, we'll make it work.

Yeah. Five kids? Piece of cake.

Hey, someone threw up over here.

Is it a kid or a cat?

Hard to tell.

Here, get some carpet cleaner.

- Wow, you really do clip a lot of coupons. - Go, go, go, go, go. Go.

Yeah, I-I know I should have taken care of this earlier.

It's just that there were so many other things going on,

I guess I just didn't think about it.

Believe me, I get it.

So, I called Caroline the other night

to go out for a drink,

and she said she was hanging out with you.

Uh, yeah, yeah. We-we hung out.

Where'd you go?

Nowhere.

Stayed in, did you?

Yeah, sure. I-I guess... yeah.

Did you do it with Caroline?

Man, you're a good lawyer.

No further questions.

Hey, uh, don't-don't tell anybody else in the group.

- Okay? I-I haven't even told my friends yet. - Why would you?

Well, they are very invested in my sex life.

Oh, I get it.

Married and bored.

So was this a one-time thing, or you going back for seconds?

- Can we get back to my will, please? - Right.

Well, most of these terms are pretty standard.

In the event of your demise,

custody of the girls goes to

- your sister-in-law. Still good? - Oh...

Uh, wow. Yeah, th-that was our plan when the girls were small,

but, uh, Allison lives in Florida,

and the girls are older now, and their whole lives are here.

Yeah, I-I couldn't really make them leave their school

and all their friends.

- Do you have any local family? - No, no.

But my friends are a lot like family.

Uh, we have kids the same age and do everything together.

We barbecue, we go to soccer...

Got it, you're close. Which friends are we going with?

Oh. That's a great question.

Yeah, you don't know my friends. I-I can't.

That would be like playing favorites.

That's exactly what it is.

Why don't you sleep on it?