Assault of the Party Nerds

When does People Supreme Divorce Court come on?

Did you see the one where the rash niece Babakahn was taking 14-year old girls

up in the mountains and doing all kind of things to them

after he got them to sign over their savings box?

And then when their mother went up there,

she signed over the house and the car and the family business.

Exactly. And then when the husband found out,

he tried to sue her for divorce

and kind of giving away everything he had.

But they found out that he was depositing all his assets into his secretary

so the rash niece got to keep it all.

I can't believe you guys take this bullshit seriously.

What do you mean "bullshit," man?Bullshit.

Bullshit. You're wrong. No way, Scott.

Hey, guys. What's the good word?

Hey, uh, what are these three butt-naked girls doing on our hallway?

CO2 Box. Would you like to marry Sue, Marla or Danna?

This is Sid Witherspoon,

Supreme Grand Master and President of Lambda Alpha Eta

calling from national headquarters.

Would it be asking too much

to have Chapter President Richard Spencer come to the phone?

Uh, yeah. Uh, one minute.

Hello, brother Supreme Master Sid.

Local President Richard Spencer here.

Brother Spencer, who was that I was talking to?

Uh, that was, uh, pledge Smith, sir. Alex Smith.

You know those freshmen, they can get pretty cocky. Ha, ha.

I don't remember any new recruits

on the pledge list last semester.

Well, uh, he was added a little late.

See, we lambdas over here at State have some real high standards,

and we thought we needed some more time to evaluate it.

I can see though that even that we did take the time

to size up the situation, our judgment was an error.

I will see to it that pledge Smith is expelled.

That's very good, Richard. We don't want any dead beets becoming lambdas.

I agree wholeheartedly, sir.

Which brings me to the reason why I called.

Yes, sir?

According to our records here at national headquarters,

I noticed that your chapter has only four members.

Is that true?

Four members, sir.

And that you're all graduating seniors.

That's true. We're all graduating in June, sir.

Even that ignoramus Charlie Phelps is graduating, correct?

Everyone deserves their denizen, don't they, sir?

I suppose so. But that's not the point.

You see, when you boys leave,

assuming that you'll all graduate,

there'll be nothing left of Lambda Alpha Eta at State University.

Oh, that would be too bad, sir.

Well, I'm glad you understand, Richard.

Those were some of the happiest days in my life.

And I'd hate to see it all end over there at State.

Now, I know you feel the same way.

And you'd never let that happen.

Would you, son?

How did they do that?

Uh, no, sir.

Let me tell you

I will do everything humanly possible to ensure

that the traditions of good old Lambda Alpha Eta

are carried on for years to come.

Well, I'm glad we had this little chat, Richard.

And if there's anything I can do with your effort,

you just give me a call.

I will, sir. Thank you.

Lambda Alpha Eta forever, sir.

Oh. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

What a boy.

Well, that's the last of this bullshit call for us.

They won't be calling again until spring.

You never know. I may still be here.

I still have to pass the math competency test.

God. I am getting so big.

Women already fight over me.

What can happen next?

I can't wait till tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? Why is that?

Because I get better looking every day.

I would hope so. Starting with such humble beginning.

Hey. Enough of this internal squabbling.

I mean, let's face the truth.

We're all studs.

But listen, I've got this little problem

that I might need you guys help to deal with.

Sure thing, Bud.Do you want me to kick someone's ass?

I think that might be a bit harsh.

You know that dweeb Ritchie from Lambda Alpha Eta?Yeah.

Well, that son of a bitch was supposed to let me cheat off

his Anthropology midterm.

Yeah? So what happened?So I got my test back today

and it had a big one-legged "A" on it.

÷A what?A fail, Chip.

Hell, Bud, I got a "D" today for everything.

Yeah, but that's not what we're talking about here.

That son of a bitch, he got an "A".

So that can only mean that he purposely slipped me the wrong answers.

Why would he do that?Zeta Alpha Mu won't stand for this sort of thing.

Will we?I got to kick his ass.

I need some time to think about just the right way

to handle this one.

So, I think we should go with the anti-drug project.

It would be really good for everybody.

Well.

It will look good on my resumé.

But I want to do the fraternity project.

We've done this every year.

Don't you think it's about time we do something

that might make a difference?

The only reason you don't want to do the fraternity project

is because Ritchie is in the geek house.

They're not geeks. They're just different.

Oh, that's an understatement.

I mean, have you ever seen these guys?

We are talking majorly geek o-Rama.

I mean, don't you think it's a little queer

going out with a guy who wears an earring?

Take two. You'll feel better.

The school teacher really was trying to help the kids after class.

But the nurse, ha, that's another story.

I guess no one ever told her you have to give second graders

hernia examinations twice a week.

I wish I was one of those kids.

What?

I wish I was one of those kids that got molested.

I guess any action's better than no action.

That's not what I mean.

Each one of those kids got awarded a million bucks.

W.O.L.A., did you sell that car, yet?

How can you sell a car with 560,000 miles on it?

It's not how many miles on it. It's how many it has left.

Get a clue, Charlie. No one's gonna buy that old pile of shit.

Why don't you back off and-- Yeah, back off.

You know, guys, we've all been in this fraternity for four years now.

Some of us more.

Don't you think it's time we got something out of it?

I mean, maybe old Witherspoon has a point.

There is something to be said for tradition

and leaving a legacy.

Or at least being remembered for something.

We can all come and go without anybody noticing.

W.O.L.A., you've been to school now for 20 years.

Who's gonna remember you when you're gone?

The lady at the loan office?

Or did she retire already?

You're all missing my point.

Let's make something happen here.

Leave our mark on State University.

Let's show assholes like the guys in the Zeta house

that they're not the only ones who know how to have a good time.

I propose throwing the greatest party in the history of the school.

If not the world.

Think about it.

The Lambda house packed with beer,

loud music, food,

and above all, for those of you who are unattached,

fabulous, fabulous babes.

What should we do?

Well, we're gonna need some money.

And I think I know just where to get it.

Ah.Goddamn, this feels good.

It's great to know I look even better.

You now, pumped up like this,

makes me wanna kick someone's ass.

Getting all pumped up like this

makes pumpkin Muffin that much more fun.

Let me tell you, guys, there's nothing like throwing that bitch on her stomach

and driving her home.

Hell, if her old man gives me a good enough job, I might even marry her.

Gosh, Bud, I feel the same way about Bambi.

Well, you know what they say.

Great thinkers think alike.

And of course, my daddy thinks Bud is a fine gentleman.

But then who wouldn't?

Well, to be perfectly honest,

Bud is a nice guy and all,

but Cliff is better looking.

Well, that is a matter of opinion.

I mean, Bud was voted best looking at his high school.

But that's not the whole reason why I like him so much.

Oh, he's everything I've ever wanted.

And more.

Oh, when we make love,

he's so wonderful.

He's so caring

and so sensitive.

So gentle.

Do you think you guys will get married?

Of course we will.

Right after graduation.

And I just know that Daddy will give Bud a good job at the firm.

And he's gonna loan us enough money

for a down payment on a house.

You all look so perfect.

I know.

If I wasn't talking about my self,