The Pest

Papa, I need to use the bathroom!

Come on, get out!

Nice lady, I'm hurting, I'm hurting.

I'm sexy but I'm hurting.

One stinky dinky.

Two stinky dinky.

Lucy, I'm home! Don't do that to me, Lucy!

Which way did he go, George? Which way did he go?

What a maroon!

What a maroon! What a freak!

What a sucker-butt!

Pestario!

Did somebody summon me?

Hello, Cleavers.

Hello, June.

Hello, Ward.

Oh, I see Eddie Haskell is here.

I'm so proud. My son, the delivery boy.

You know, your mom's birthday is coming up.

What are you gonna steal for her this year?

I don't know. I haven't decided it yet.

Ma, what do you want?

Surprise me.

I will! I will!

Pestario, you're just a common hustler, man.

What?

There is nothing common about the way I dance!

Shall we?

Mom!

Great.

That was nasty. Ooh! Look at the time.

So long, family of mine. I have to go to work.

Love, peace and chicken grease.

Good morning, Pestario.

Mr. Shank, we've been searching for hours.

I don't think anyone in this neighborhood will fulfill our needs.

Perhaps we should just return home?

You're too impatient, Leo.

A good hunter must always remember

the most challenging prey is often the most difficult to find.

Pestario.

Ah! Father Shillelagh.

How are your Blarney Stones?

Pestario, I just wanted to thank you personally

for helping out at the annual church bazaar last weekend.

It was bizarre, wasn't it?

Yes, it was.

You know, your booth made more money than any other.

What can I say? Yeah.

It was impossible to knock down those milk bottles.

You don't suppose it was divine intervention, now do you?

Shh. Father, if this is the way you keep secrets,

I'm gonna save all my juicy confessions for Father Garcia.

I'll make a boat and sail away now.

Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious!

Bless you, my son.

I think.

Children! Such carefree exuberance.

Such pure innocence at play.

Those little runts. I'm gonna teach them a lesson.

Hey, moron,

we need one more for basketball.

You're with the fat loser-boy.

Why do they call you fat loser-boy?

I don't know. I think because I'm fat and I never win.

Well, we're gonna change that.

I mean the part about never winning.

All right, bet your lunches. First point wins.

All right, you son of a freak,

no fouls, no calls, no outs. All right? Check.

Sucker!

What? It's all your fault!

Dude, this whole thing's your fault!

God! I could've got past him!

If you'd actually be a good player, maybe we would've won!

It's all your fault!

We won! We won! Give me your lunches.

That'll teach you a lesson, punks.

Get out of here!

Don't worry, kid. They'll never call you a loser again.

Thanks, mister.

Hey, mister, wait a minute!

I'm stuck. Mister!

Is that the mack daddy pimp there?

What's up? What's up, man?

Lunch is on me, freaks.

All right! So where is my super-scam shell game apparatus?

Come on, Pest, don't doubt me. We got it.

Mad excellent, mad excellent.

You know, this scam is fool-proof.

I'm gonna be the King of Corruption, the Duke of Deception. The...

Hold up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Pest.

That's what you say about all your scams.

What about your bets with the Scottish mob?

Yeah! Now you owe them $50,000!

What are you guys, my accountants?

For God's sakes, have a little faith in the Pest.

A little faith, please.

I got all my bases covered.

I got all my contingency plans... Pest.

Hey, listen, man, all we're saying is that

this whole scamming thing is getting kind of dangerous.

All right. All right.

If it's gonna make my bestest of friends feel any better, all right,

I'm gonna promise I'm never ever gonna scam again

as long as I live!

Yo, Pest, that would be good, man.

That'll be real good for you. I'm proud of you, man.

We can stop getting you out of trouble already.

Exactly. Now,

the key to this scam is to convince people that I am blind!

You're never gonna learn, man.

Welcome to the festival of Miami.

These people are all so teeny!

There must be a worthy candidate here.

Oh, yo, Pest. Look, man. There's Xantha over there.

Hey, baby! Hey, baby!

Hey, hey, Pest, we'll catch up to you later, all right?

Hey, baby. How's my Nubian bucket of love?

My ebony delight, my Africanicus romanticus.

Where was your sorry white-Latin buttocks last night?

Hey, baby! Easy with the nagging, all right?

You missed dinner with my parents last night, Pest!

Yeah! You missed dinner with her parents last night, loser!

Do you mind if I talk to my girlfriend alone?

Anything you have to say to me,

you can say it in front of Malaria.

Anything?

Anything!

Fine. Malaria's got mossy teeth, dandruff and a fat butt!

Pest!

These jeans make me look fat.

No, Malaria.

Your fat butt makes you look fat.

Oh! Baby, baby! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, baby!

There's nothing more I want to do than

spend time with my girlfriend's parents.

So, come on! Can't we just reschedule

for tomorrow night, huh, curly locks?

Can't do it. Why not?

Dag, baby! What a dufus! What a freak!

I totally forgot that...

Just forget it. I'm outta here.

Oh, no, Xanthy-poo, come on! Come on, baby!

I'll skip my previous commitment, all right?

Really? You'll come to dinner?

Absofreakinglutely. And I'm gonna make your parents

fall in love with me and ask me to marry you.

How you gonna do that?

I'm gonna tell them you're pregnant.

What? He's gonna tell them you're pregnant.

What? Hey, Pest, man, we gotta go. Sorry!

Love, peace and chicken grease. Baby, I love...

Bye, honey.

You're pregnant?

Oh, Malaria.

Step right up.

Money is flying right out of my pocket.

Just play the lucky coconut shell game.

There's a winner born every minute.

Yo, man. I got $20 that says I can find that ball.

Okay, people, we've got a taker.

Come on! I cross my hand, I fool the man,

the rich man, the poor man, but not the policeman.

Okay, which shell's it under?

It's up to you to tell me because I'm blind.

Hey, soccer boy, come here. Yeah, you. I'm talking to you.