Barricade

Tom's always is the tail light, isn't he?

- I've gotta save my energy for ladies at the club tonight. - Yeah, sure buddy.

- Who told you we're going to the club tonight? - His dick!

All right... Three things that make life worth living?

Cool movies!

Good beer!

Good sex!

Men have such primitive urges.

- And that's a damn good thing! - Homo!

Hey, so why is Mandy the only woman coming out here?

You can't tell?

Gang Bang?!

- Okay, I've gotta mark my territory. - Me too.

Fishing for compliments?! Hah!

- Ya know, I'm not gay. - Sure you aren't, fag.

- Seriously. I've had sex before. - I know, buddy.

- Sure, but men can also fuck men! - Men can fuck everything with legs!

- And you'd do that? - Not with you!

- The forest found new victims! - Leave them die, hah!

You know, Nina, before you get in the car,

I have to tell you something.

You know, since the very first day I ever saw you...

I've been crazy about you.

I'm still crazy about you.

To this day, I'm still crazy about you.

And I can't even fucking think straight.

Oh uh... You just wanna be friends, huh?

Just friends huh? Alright... Just friends. Yeah.

That's okay.

Just friends... damn it.

You just gotta figure out all the possibilities, man.

I mean, you're figure something out.

Whatever.

So, when does her flight get in?

I dunno. A half hour or so? Yeah, a half hour.

I gotta pick her up at the airport.

Poor baby! Having to pick up the hottest girl I've ever laid eyes on!

What an agony!

I mean, that's a Grade-A piece of ass right there, man. You ever hit that?

C'mon, you know we're just friends.

But nothing? Ever?

Don't tell her I told you this, but about six years ago, um...

We had a little too much vodka...

...and we went to her parents' lodge and we made out... but that was it.

And you didn't fuck her? You tool.

Look, she lives in New York. I live in Germany now.

I mean, it just doesn't make sense to start a relationship.

So? Who needs a relationship? Just... bang her.

- Don't talk shit. - I just tell it like it is, bro.

Yeah? Well don't.

Come off it, man. I mean,

she's coming all the way down from New York to see you.

She's gotta have some kind of feeling for you.

Ya know, you've just gotta think positive.

A beautiful actress from New York...

...a lonely guy from Germany. It just screams for a happy ending.

I dunno. It sounds like 'Mission: Impossible'.

Well, if it sounds impossible,

you'll just have to find yourself a new girl to obbsess over.

Oh yeah? Well, I'll do that... buddy.

I got it.

So, where are you? I thought you were gonna pick me up at the airport.

Mikey's Dungeon of Love.

Ten bucks and we love you long time.

Shut up freak. Get Michael.

Oh baby, you're so naughty. Don't stop.

Give me the fucking phone.

Mikey! It's your mom!

- Hello? - Why do you keep hanging out with that jerk... They lost my luggage.

C'mon, he's okay... a bit freaky, but okay.

And keep him in mind the next time you have a barbeque...

...you wanna have him come over,

because he'll get rid of the flies and the ants and all the stuff like that.

Yeah, I had a layover in Amsterdam, but it was fast.

God, I'm sorry, Nina. David was talking my ear off.

I'm sorry. I lost track of time.

Seriously, it's fine. I mean, I'm here and I'm in one piece,

so that's all that matters, right?

So, do you wanna take a nap when you get inside?

No, I think I'll just catch a shower, quick shot of vodka, and I'll be good to go.

Vodka? You're still drinkin' that shit?

Hell yeah! Kept my granddaddy alive until he was 98!

Oh, it's so good to see you, Michael.

It's good to see you too. You look... um, well.

"Well"?! Haha! Jeez, ya ol' charmer!

Guys! Good to see you! Come right in! Whoa.

Well, it's great to see you, too! Yeah, I had a good day too! Come right in!

- So, David, where's Linda these days? - Gone with the wind, baby.

- Really? Why? - She caught David in that...

...eighteen-years-old girl named Yvette.

God, you're disgusting.

- That's not what she said! - Why are you proud of that? That's awful!

Well, I caught her doing the same goddamn thing...

...to me three weeks earlier.

Well, my mom used to say, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. "

More like "Screw unto others"!

So anyways, Nina. Are you up for uh,

some German countryside tomorrow? All little roadside gravel?

Yeah, sure. Sounds nice!

- All right, well, you've got to get up eary enough. - That's fine.

- In the morning?! - Yeah. - Good luck with that, buddy!

- Aw, come on, you little shit! - Ah, we're too old to go on a camping trip...

...and you're not dragging my sorry ass out of bed before noon.

We'll see about that.

So Nina, you're like an actress or something now?

Yeah, something like that.

Okay, for the sake of necessary conversation,

what was the favorite role you ever did?

- That I ever played? - Sure. Why not?

I dunno, umm... I played this mom once, with these three little kids.

It was a real serious role. The kids die in a car wreck,

I wind up going insane, become an alcoholic and blow my brains out.

- Wow, sounds like a real laugh riot! - Yeah, it was rough.

Was it even fun doing anything that dark?

Yeah, well the director was an asshole, but I guess it could have been.

Why? You like the dark stuff?

- David, what about you? - Me? - I haven't heard you in like over a year.

- What? No e-mail or anything ya big dork? - Ahh...

Lot of ladies, problems with my PC, pot...

- Aw, come on... - You really wanna know?

Yeah, I'm not asking for my health, man!

Okay, I work for a TV station in Hannover doing the news.

Nothing special, not enough money but the ladies seem to like it.

I am the cameraman on weeknights...

...and it seems to impress the babes to see my name in the credits.

News? But that's not your thing, though.

- Nah, I'm better than the news. - Seriously. You're a really good photographer, David.

You'll make it in the business one day.

Excuse me, but can we uh...

You're a fucking perv, but you're a talented fucking perv.

- Why thank you, Nina! - So welcome! Any time!

- Hey, look! That's where we're going to go! - Ah no, that's too high!

Aww, come on, man. It is such a beautiful day. No retreat.

- Wait a minute. - Why? What's up?

- This is an animal sanctuary, right? - And...?

Then there's no better place to let the snake out.

Snake? Yeah, and let me guess... it's big and bad, too?

Sure, this monster could swallow you whole!

Eh, go take a leak, you jerk. You piss me off.

Is this a threat?

Andre?

Hello? Andre.

Andre? Come on, I've got some snake food for ya...

Whoa! Is he gonna... Whoa!

- What the hell are you doing? - Come on in, guys!

- The water's great! - Oh no no, no...

- Haha! You first! - No I'm not goin' in there! You go! Ladies first!

I am not going in with that perv, by myself.

- Well, I'm not g-... No! - I dare you!

I bet you don't think I would, huh?

- No! - All right, fine!

Okay... right. I m not shy.

- Come on in! - Yeah!

Yeah, come on!

Yeah, come on in, Mike.

- How is it? - It's great! Come in! - Is it cold?

- Come in! - Come on! Take your clothes off!

- Okay, okay... - Yeah! Yeah right!

- Ready? - We've got a major sausage party going on in here. - Get naked! Come on!

- Psyche! - Hey! Hey! Hey! What are you doing?!

I will see you back at the car!

- Hey, come back! - Hey, hey! Come on! Don't do that!

- Hey! - Hey, come back, you bitch!

Hey, you!

- Take these. - Hey, hey you...

Hey you... You! You! Could you tell her?

- Yeah, you! - Are you talking to me?

- Thank you! - Me?

- Where does this path go? - To Waterfall Lake.

Awesome. I love waterfalls.

Well, I hate to break it to you, honey, but there aren't any.

I don't know why the fuck they call it that,

- ... but they do. - Frickin' Germany.

Do you have any ideas where the bathroom would be?

Yeah. Right straight ahead about fifteen meters,

there's a tree that's just p-... - Ah, I get ya...

Watch out baby. Could be some nasty shit out here. Wolves... bears...

And your fat fucking mother!

- Ouch! - Bears and wolves in Germany?

- Ya know, you're one beer short of a six pack. - Ah, whatever!

Hey!

Tree, my ass!

Hello? Hello?

Fucking Germany. Where is that tree?

David, if that's you, you've crossed the line, even for a fucking perv!

Show's over, dick!

- You're fucking nasty David! - What?! - What?!

David he was watching me go to the bathroom!

- Sorry hotlips, but I've been chillin' here with Mikey since you left! - Grow up!

I'm being serious! Hey what's up with the woman of your dreams?

- I dunno. Maybe she just doesn't like you... - Bull shit! I'm the man!

Cut her some slack. She probably still has jetlag.

Eh, okay... Well, off it goes!

Nina wait... Will you wait? Wait!

- He was with me the whole time, swear. - You promise? - I swear!

Well, he acts a bit weird sometimes. You can't blame me for thinking it was him!

Yeah, but you were a bit hard on him, don't ya think?

Look, I know you're stressed. Everything's all right, isn't it?

I... hope so. That's why I'm here.

- You've gotta leave the past behind. - It's tough, Michael.