God Save the Queens

You got this.

This is baby-school stuff, baby.

And you're in the big leagues.

It's their mistake if they don't want you.

You got better things going on.

They need you more than you need them.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Good Lord, you sound like Mom now.

Stop talking to your own reflection.

I said stop it, stop it.

Excuse me.

This is your vehicle isn't it?

Yes.

My apologies.

The lock the door subtly

so you don't seem like a racist move.

Always a classic.

Bye, ya dumb bitch.

Yes?

Hi, I'm here for 10 o'clock interview with...?

Esther?

I'll buzz you in.

Come straight in and up the stairs, no snooping.

I don't have all day.

Knock, knock.

Are you the boy I just spoke to on the ringer?

That's me.

You're not what I was expecting.

And why's that?

Well, you're...

- Too tall? - Mm.

- Attractive. - Mm-mm.

Black, you mean? - Yes, yeah, Black.

I don't know what the term is that you use these days.

Uh, Black works just fine.

So, shall we sit down in here? - What?

Yes, sit right there.

Ooh, of course.

Old haunted baby doll chair, cute.

Is that supposed to be a joke?

Supposed to be.

Mm-hmm.

My, what a lovely home you have.

It's nice.

But it's infested with vermin.

Ooh.

So what are you're qualifications?

I have my resume right here.

Do I look like I have my readers on?

What are you're qualifications, Klaus?

It's Klein.

Well, I spent seven months last year

taking care of my Aunt Karen's Alaskan Huskies,

So, I figured, how much harder can a human be, right?

Unless you shed like they did.

In which case, I'm not your fool.

Oh, the caretaker position isn't for me, smart ass.

It's for my husband, Warren.

And he is?

It's none of your business, that's where he is.

Is he with us now?

He's sleeping, if you must know.

And the position is five days a week.

Monday to Friday.

Do you think you can handle that?

Sure can.

Oh, shit.

Girl, you need help with that?

- Of course I do. - Let me get it.

I may look unconventional to your old, normal pallet,

but you'll grow to love me.

Because truthfully, everybody does.

You're quite cocky.

Confident is more the word.

Well, you know, the last girl we had,

she was as white as printer paper and she was an atrocity.

So maybe we're due for a change.

Oh, look at you, breaking social stereotypes.

Oh, no, no, no.

On second thought, maybe not that much of a change.

No, no, no, no, no.

Do see yourself out,

will you? - I can do the job.

- No, no, no, no, no. - I can.

Don't make me wheel Warren in here

and have him force you out.

I completely understand.

Go.

Good day, old lady from the Titanic.

There he is.

There's my boy.

Good morning, Mommy Dearest.

Don't you look like a snack today.

Oh, stop it.

So tell me, how'd it go?

Were you great?

Fabulous.

They said they have a couple more interviews

and they'll call me later and let me know.

That's amazing!

I know you got it.

How could they not love you?

I got you a present.

Oh, Klein, you didn't have to get me a present.

Go ahead, open it.

Oh, wow.

Do you like it?

It's beautiful.

I hope you didn't spend too much money on this.

Please, it was practically a steal.

All right, gotta go get ready, Mama.

Love, love.

Hey.

What does that bag of bones know?

Look at her.

She was one breath away from Grey Gardens.

Just don't let this get to you.

And for fuck's sake, stop with the damn inner monologues.

Who are you, Carrie Bradshaw?

'Cause I spent a lot of time

really worried about what every single person

was thinking about me.

I guess I had this epiphany that everyone,

male, female, in between.

However they identify, you know,

we're all going through this same struggle.

And I just realized, wow, that's universal.

Learning to be able to stand in front of the mirror

and just say.

Bitch, know your worth.

Then add tax.

Because no one can make you happy but you.

And rose'.

Oh.

Okay, Mama.

I gotta go.

Are you sure you don't need a ride?

No, no, I'm good.

I'll just order one of those Zoober things.

Oh, nonsense.

A lady shouldn't be alone in a car with a stranger.

No, I'll drive you.

So good to me.

I love you.

Ramen for breakfast, ramen for lunch,

ramen for dinner, ramen for brunch.

I need a mimosa.

I hear you over there, chirping Latoya,

but you can't have ramen.

It's just for old Queens,

not skinny little birdies like you.

Good morning.

Good morning Latoya.

My God, I feel like I'm in The Birdcage.

Don't you give me that look.

You know, tonight is very important.

Tonight's the night that all of our dreams could come true.

'Cause we are ding, do...

I'm not a dancer.

Simon is bringing his friend from Cheeseburger Sally's.

And if she likes me, really really likes me, Sally Fields.

Well then I could go full time.

Wouldn't that be great.

Get us a full time gig.

And we could get out of this hell hole known as Chatsworth.

'Cause let's face it, you know.

I mean, what have we got going on here

other than it being the porn capital of America.

And I know how into porn you are you dirty little bird.

I know what you do when I'm gone,

because let's face it.

My days of being a famous porn star are far behind me.

You and I, we ain't getting much younger girl.

So we gotta do something and kick it into high gear

before rigor mortis sets in.

When did you become so morbid?

Hey bitch!

You're late.

I know. You're welcome.

You're always late.

The trunk's open, you know where to put it.

Am I gonna find a body back here?

Just move it to the right.

Like Thelma and Louise on crack.

Lewis.

Hey Lewis, hey.

Oh, shit on a stick.

Looking good, Penny.

Call me when you legal, tater tot.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey kid, it's going.

Hey look, I saw that you threw out

that blue sequined top you had.

What the fuck? You digging through my trash?

No, no, I, I just,

I saw it sticking outta the bin

and I know that it had a busted seam,

so I thought I could fix it.

And if you have any other outfits that you don't want,

I'm just like, like a few doors down, so.