Friday Night Dinner

They're here! They're here!

Hi, all!

Hold on, Grandma, hold on!

What's going on?

Hi, Mum. Grandma's hair's stuck.

What?

Her hair's stuck. Just undo it!

I'm trying to! the door won't open.

Mum?

Hello, Jackie!

Undo the window!

What do you think I am trying to do?

Hurry up!

Wait, maybe if I...

ALARM BLARES

Great!

Jonny!

Is that the police?

Jonathan, open the window and turn that bloody alarm off now!

I'm trying, I'm trying!

Ooohh!

Oh, are you OK, Mum?

Sorry, Grandma, sorry.

You're such a dickhead!

Shut up!

How's my hair?

It's fine, Mum, it's fine. Come on.

How did you manage to get her hair stuck in the window like that?

Because he's a dickhead, that's how?

She must have leant in when I pressed the button or something.

You know something? You are a dickhead!

Let me have a look at my hair.

Oh, your hair looks lovely, it's a lovely colour...

Isn't it a lovely colour, boys?

Yeah, lovely. Yeah.

Thank you. You should get yours done too.

I've just had mine done.

Have you?

Yes, Mum!

Did you do it over the bath?

Brilliant!

Yes!

A professional?

Yes, a professional.

Someone you paid?

Oh, Mum, enough now. Come through. Ooh, boys,

we've got something to show you!

Really? What?

You'll see. Come on, Mum.

Grandma's going to do a strip for us?

Hello, Bambinos!

With Dad?

Hello, Martin!

What?

What?

What?

Sorry, my hearing machine's not very...

No top tonight, Dad? I'm baking.

You know, my mother really doesn't want to see you titties.

Ow!

Ooh!

Why don't you have a nice drink, Mum?

Oh, yes, thank you.

A sherry, please.

Of course. Adam, get Grandma a sherry, would you?

Yes.

What do you want to show us then?

Well...

see if you can notice!

Something perhaps...

in this room.

Er...

Well?

Mum, have you noticed anything different about the living room?

You cleaned it?

Amazing.

There, Grandma.

Oh, thank you, Dolly.

Um, I've just got to...

What are you doing?

Nothing, just getting a bit of bread.

Have you been putting salt in my...

So what was that thing you wanted us to see, then?

God, I can't believe you lot!

All right, I'll show you.

Did you hurt your arm?

No, Mum, look!

Er...

Oh, Christ, it's the curtains!

It's the curtains!

Oh!

What about them?

They're new!

They're new!

Are they?

Yes, we just got them. Do you like them?

Aren't they the same as the other ones?

What other ones? We had blinds, you idiot.

Did we?

Mum, do you like the curtains?

Not really.

What do you mean, "not really"?

It's the wrong colour.

Wrong colour?

Yellow.

They're not yellow, they're cream.

They're yellow.

Tell her boys, what colour are the curtains?

Um, they're sort of yellow.

Yeah, piss yellow?

Charming. Martin, tell my mother. What colour are the curtains?

They're yellow.

I know!

They're not yellow, we've had this argument

and we both agreed, remember. They're cream!

Yes, I forgot. They're cream.

Oh, well thanks very much, everyone! I try to make

the house look nice for you and no-one even bothers to notice.

Thanks. Thank you very much.

Jackie...

Jackie, the boys do like them. Tell your mum you like the curtains.

Of course we do. They're lovely, Mum. Aren't they, Jonny?

Yeah they're lovely, really lovely, Mum.

See, they love them.

They hate them.

No, we don't!

Well, Grandma hates them.

You don't hate the curtains, do you, Grandma?

What?

You don't hate the curtains?

Yes, I think they're horrible.

Thanks a lot, Mum. So nice you came.

Great. Why didn't she just say she liked the sodding curtains?

What?

Grandma, I think you've upset Mum.

Oh.

OK, Dolly, I'll speak to her, don't worry.

Thanks, Grandma.

Sometimes your mother can be such a sensitive cow.

Jackie.

What, Mum?

You're upset.

How did you guess?

I'm your mother.

You know,

if you still have the receipt, you can always take the curtains back.

SMASH

Shit! Shit on it!

What happened?

God, what now?

I can't believe you, Martin!

Oh, shit on it, shit on it!

You drive me mad!

What's all that muck?

Did Dad have diarrhoea?

Jonny, it's not funny. that was my casserole.

Sorry.

Casserole from Dad's ass-erole.

I'm really sorry, Jackie, it just slipped.

Slipped?!

Look, it's all right, I can just...

Lovely!

There.

Martin, you've got a piece stuck to you.

What?

Some beef on your stomach.

Oh. Ha!

So what are we going to eat then?

Well, that.

That?!

Yes, that!

What, from the floor? It's filthy.

It's not filthy, it's fine.

Is it?

Where is everyone?

Oh, God, don't let Grandma see!

It's nothing, Mum. Coming!

Nice one, Dad.

Oh, I don't think that bit was from the casserole.

Are we having a stabbing party or something?

Have a guess who set the table.

Hmm?

There are quite a lot of knives here, Dad.

Yes, we were going to murder your mother after dinner, remember?

So are you going to tell me why she couldn't come tonight?

What?

Oh, she's very tired.

She's tired...

Who's tired?

Alison.

Oh, your pretend girlfriend.

No, she really wanted to meet you. She's just a bit exhausted at the moment so...

Well, three times a night with Simon...

That's really funny.

I must have invited that girl for Friday night dinner about nine times.

It's not nine times.

It's at least nine. When are we going to meet her?

Never going to happen. Excuse me.

What are you talking about?

Jonny's girlfriend.