Roseanne

O.K., WE NEED BRUSHES, LACQUER, THINNER,

TURPENTINE, POLYURETHANE AND PAINT STRIPPER.

ANYTHING ELSE?

NO.

THAT STUFF NEEDS A LOT OF VENTILATION.

SO TAKE ALL THE LIDS OFF IN THE CAR

ON THE WAY HOME.

WHAT?

I'M SORRY FOR STARING AT YOU, MRS. CONNOR,

BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING

ABOUT A PREGNANT WOMAN THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL HOW?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, YOU USED "BEAUTIFUL."

YOU MUST KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YOU'RE JUST BEAUTIFUL.

OH, REALLY?

WELL, IS IT MY SWOLLEN ANKLES THAT YOU LIKE?

OR MY VARICOSE VEINS?

MAYBE THEY APPEAL TO YOUR ARTIST'S EYE.

OR MAYBE IT'S MY HAGGARD FACE FROM LACK OF SLEEP.

BUT I THINK THE REAL QUESTION IS,

IS "BEAUTIFUL" STRONG ENOUGH A WORD?

THANK YOU, MR. CONNOR, FOR TELLING ME TO SAY THAT.

BEAUTIFUL HOW?

D.J., YOUR OLD ROOM'S READY TO BE PAINTED.

BECKY AND DARLENE VOLUNTEERED TO HELP.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

NO WAY.

I'M MOVING ACROSS THE HALL

AND I'M NEVER LOOKING BACK.

WHY ANNOUNCE IT? NOBODY'S GOING TO NOTICE.

WELL, AT LEAST TELL YOUR SISTERS

TO HURRY UP WITH THAT DROP CLOTH.

IT'S JUST SO GREAT, ISN'T IT, DAN?

THE TWO GIRLS ALL GROWN UP,

VOLUNTEERING TO HELP PAINT

THEIR BABY SISTER'S NURSERY.

OHHHH.

I REMEMBER THAT.

THE PREGNANCY HORMONES GET YOU ALL SENTIMENTAL.

GO TO HELL, JACKIE.

THIS AIN'T ABOUT YOU.

HONEY, HONEY, REMEMBER, YOU LIKE JACKIE.

JACKIE GOOD.

OH, THE NURSERY'S REALLY COMING ALONG.

YOU'RE GOING TO FIX THOSE DENTS IN THE WALL

BEFORE YOU PAINT IT?

OH, WOW.

YOU REMEMBER THESE, ROSIE?

I SURE DO.

THAT'S WHERE DARLENE

BANGED D.J.'s HEAD IN THE WALL EVERY YEAR

TO SHOW HOW TALL HE'D GROWN.

PROMISE ME YOU WON'T PAINT OVER THOSE, DAN.

I HAVE TO, HONEY.

BUT REMEMBER, WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE THE X-RAYS.

I HAVE RETURNED ALL THE BABY CLOTHES

THAT YOU LENT ME.

WHERE'S THE REST OF THE STUFF?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, GOING ALPHABETICALLY,

AFTER "CLOTHES" COMES "CRIB."

UNLESS YOU DROPPED OFF SOME CRAB CAKES.

YOU WANT THE CRIB BACK?

ROSEANNE, MY LITTLE ANDY STILL SLEEPS IN THAT CRIB.

LET HIM SLEEP WITH YOU.

HE'LL BE IN THERAPY

THE REST OF HIS LIFE ANYWAY.

FRED MOVES OUT.

MY BABY HAS NO FATHER, AND NOW YOU WANT HIS BED?

FINE. KEEP IT.

WE'LL BUY ANOTHER ONE.

THE THING WAS A DEATHTRAP ANYWAY.

HERE, DAD.

IT WAS ALL I COULD FIND.

WHERE IN THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

DON'T YELL AT ME, MOTHER.

I WAS GETTING THIS.

SEEMS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR THREE YEARS.

MAN, LOOK AT ALL THIS USELESS YUPPIE CRAP.

THERE'S A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF BABY PRODUCTS

OUT THERE NOW.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS STUFF

WHEN I HAD D.J.

WE BROUGHT D.J. THAT RATTLE AND, UH...

I GUESS IT WAS JUST THE RATTLE.

HEY, CHECK OUT THE CAR SEATS.

THE '96s ARE IN!

I DON'T NEED ONE OF THOSE.

I'LL JUST USE THAT BOOSTER SEAT

I STOLE FROM DENNY'S.

WHAT THE HELL'S THAT?

THAT IS A JOGGING STROLLER.

YEAH, WELL, UNLESS THE JOGGER COMES WITH IT

I DON'T WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

OH, MAN, I WANTED ONE OF THESE.

SEE, A WIPER WARMER.

THAT KEEPS THE LITTLE BABY WIPES WARM.

WHAT'S A BABY WIPE?

HERE'S THE CRIBS.

HEY, THAT ONE'S PRETTY NICE.

YEAH, WELL, IT OUGHT TO BE.

IT'S $499.

FOR THAT MONEY,

I COULD BUY HER A USED VEGA TO SLEEP IN.

LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS 425.

THEY'RE SO FANCY.

"THE HAMPTON."

"THE WALDEN."

"THE SHENANDOAH."

WELL, FIND ME ONE CALLED "I NEED A CHEAP REPLACEMENT

'CAUSE MY SISTER STOLE MINE."

MAYBE THAT WOULD BE NEXT TO THE ONE

CALLED "THE INDIAN GIVER."

HI, HI, HI.

WELL, HERE WE ARE.

WE'RE SHOPPING. WE'RE HAVING FUN.

ISN'T THIS EXCITING?

WELL, WHAT CAN I HELP YOU WITH TODAY?

WELL, IT SEEMS AS IF I HAVE A BABY STUCK INSIDE ME.

CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THAT?

WE'RE JUST LOOKING. THANKS.

ALTHOUGH I'LL TAKE A BEER IF YOU GOT ONE.

IS THIS YOUR FIRST?

NO, I HAD A COUPLE BEFORE I LEFT HOME.

YOU'RE FUN.

WELL, IF YOU NEED ANY HELP

OR YOU WANT TO REGISTER FOR YOUR BABY SHOWER...

THAT'S FOR WOMEN THAT ARE HAPPY THEY'RE HAVING A BABY.

I'M ONLY HAVING THIS BABY

TO COUNTER-BALANCE THE MORMON LADY DOWN THE ROAD.

ALL YOU NEED IS THE CRIB.

YEAH, BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,

NONE OF OUR FRIENDS CAN WASTE $400

ON ANYTHING BUT LOTTERY TICKETS.

MAYBE I'LL CHECK BACK WITH YOU LATER.

ALTHOUGH...

I DO HAVE 40 FRIENDS WHO COULD EACH AFFORD ABOUT...

A CRAPPY $10 GIFT.

UH, HOW LENIENT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY?

30 DAYS FOR STORE CREDIT.

ALL RIGHT. THIS CRIB IS MINE.

AND I'M HAVING THAT SHOWER

AND I'M INVITING EVERY SUCKER I KNOW

AND I'M GOING TO OVER-SALT THE POPCORN

SO I CAN MAKE EXTRA MONEY ON DRINKS.

HEY, YEAH, O.K., THE NAME'S CONNOR.

SO, HERE'S WHAT I WANT.

I'LL TAKE ONE OF THOSE AND, UH...

TWO OF THOSE

AND FOUR OF THOSE BABY WIPE WARMERS.

HEY, THIS IS COOL.

IT'S A DIAPER GENIE.

A DIAPER GENIE. THAT'S GREAT.

ANY IDEA WHAT IT DOES?

NO.

PUT THIS DOWN.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?

I THOUGHT HIGH SCHOOL WOULD BE HARD,

BUT THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT.

THEY MADE A MISTAKE.

THEY PUT ME IN THE DUMB MATH.

YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT PAST LUNCH.

ALL THE SWITCHBLADES IN YOUR BACK

WILL KEEP SETTING OFF THE METAL DETECTORS.

NOBODY WILL DO THAT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T LET YOU KEEP THEIR KNIVES.

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP SAYING THAT TO ME?

HEY, BECKY.

DARLENE SAYS ON MY FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL

I'M GOING TO GET STABBED.

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING HIM?

NO ONE WILL WANT TO COME NEAR HIM

AFTER THEY'VE PULLED HIM NAKED

OUT OF THE LUNCHROOM DUMPSTER.

I'M NOT GOING!

HEY, SORRY I GOT HELD UP.

HOW FAR DID YOU GET ON THE NURSERY?

OH, I'M FINISHED.

YOU GOT THE WHOLE THING DONE?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

I SAID I'M FINISHED.

YOU'RE USED TO LAYING ON YOUR BACK.

START WITH THE CEILING.

IF WE DO IT TOGETHER, WE'LL FINISH SOONER.

YOU VOLUNTEERED US TO DO THIS, NOT ME.

I WOULD HAVE BAILED EARLIER,

BUT MOM DID THAT HORMONAL WEEPY THING

AND TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME.

I HAVEN'T DEVELOPED A DEFENSE FOR THAT YET.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO QUIT?

I'LL HELP YOU AFTER I FINISH MY BOOK.

WELL, HOW FAR ALONG ARE YOU?

"CALL ME ISHMAEL."

DARLENE, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU FOR ONCE.