Earth to Ned

Cornelius! What are you doing?

That's not what a sidekick on a late-night talk show wears.

You look like you're gonna blow up a planet.

Sir, that's why we came here. That's all I packed for.

Yes, but then I abandoned that mission and decided to make a TV show instead.

And I'm the captain, so we're doing it.

Now, go put on your sidekick suit before the show starts.

Oh, sir, the show actually has started.

What?

-I said this is... -I know what you said.

I'm shocked. That was a shock noise, Cornelius!

Why did you let me say how Earth's atmosphere

gives me the toots while we were on the air?

No, sir, the show started after you said that.

Oh! Thank Glorp.

But you just said it again, on the show.

Oh, Sprax it, Cornelius! This is a disaster.

Oh!

Hello.

-Hello. -Hello.

At least shine your armor, Cornelius.

Come here. Come...

Thank you.

Roll the titles!

It's Earth To Ned.

Tonight's guests are Andy Richter and Gillian Jacobs.

And now, the greatest late-night host in the galaxy, Ned.

Hello. How is everyone?

I'm so excited to be here on my brand-new talk show.

Oh! Are you excited, Cornelius?

-I'm thrilled, sir. -Don't fidget.

I'm sorry, sir. I'm not used to such breathable fabric.

Let's get going. What is first?

Let's see, the sidekick banter.

Oh, yes! The host-sidekick banter. Did you have a good weekend, Cornelius?

Well, I was with you. You had me de-barnacle your flanks?

Oh! No. Cornelius, you're supposed to say funny anecdotes.

Sorry, sir. I'm still gettin' the hang of this.

It's okay, boo.

After all, I am the funny one, and the pretty one.

The pretty one? On what planet?

Cornelius, can't we turn B.E.T.I. off?

If we do, we lose all life support systems on the ship.

Checkmate.

Let's beam in the first guest.

Our first guest has been a staple of late-night TV

for 27 non-consecutive years.

Please welcome writer, actor, comedian, and co-host of Conan, it's Andy Richter!

Mom, I gotta call you back.

Hello, Andy Richter.

You've been beamed aboard an alien spaceship.

-Are you gonna kill me? -No one is interested in killing you.

You're just here to be a guest of a talk show.

Oh!

That's actually worse.

-It works! It works! -It works!

-Hi, Andy! -Hi.

You guys know who I am?

-Yeah. Sure. -Of course we do.

-Oh, my God! -Go ahead, sit down.

Oh, I love travelin' like that. It tickles.

Andy Richter, you're our very first guest.

So, scale of one to ten, how's it going so far?

Uh... Scale of one to ten...

Say ten, say ten.

Gonna give you a ten because...

-I gotta tell you... -Good job. I told you you could do it.

It's largely because I'm still a little terrified.

All right.

-Hi. -Don't acknowledge it

-or look it in the eyes. -All right.

Andy, I want the devotion of fans.

-Yes. -How do I earn the love of humanity?

Well, you spared no expense with this beautiful place.

Well, it was actually purchased by my father to attack other planets...

-Yeah. It's not actually mine, per se. -Oh, wow.

And you can blow up planets?

Well, we...

-Blowing up Earth in five, four, three... -No, B.E.T.I.

-What? -No.

Andy, I think I should come clean.

We basically attack other planets and we conquer them.

When I started looking at your Earth, I was like, "I can't do it."

Really? What was the main thing that really sold you?

Celebrities.

So, you're telling me, the Kardashians saved Earth.

-Pretty much. -Should thank them next time you see them.

All right. Thank you, Kardashians.

We're doing this banter now. How's my banter?

If I were to compare me

to a current late-night host who would it be?

-The current one? -As the host, is listening important?

-Yes, it is somewhat important. -Got it.

Andy, I've got some sidekick questions if you don't mind me running by these.

-I don't mind at all. -That's a real good idea.

Havin' a hard time figurin' out

when to get into the conversation and when to just button my snout.

Any tips on that?

Swing only at the pitches that you think you can hit.

If Ned here is talking to a real dud

and it's not goin' anywhere, you just sit over there and be quiet.

No one's gonna blame me, right?

And then when you find that you got somethin' funny to say, bingo!

And you'll look like a hero.

-I'm here too. -I know you are.

-We were having a conversation. -I know. But I'm here, too.

This is very, very classic host behavior, though.

-What? -When a guest talks to the sidekick

for a little bit too long, the host gets a little testy.

"Hey, remember me. I'm in the big chair."

Yeah, because with hosts, it's never enough.

-Yeah. -Some holes can't be filled.

-I don't get it. -It's probably best you don't.

Okay. So, what qualities do you look for in a guest?

Realness is nice. It's nice when people are not phony,

like they're just kind of...

You get a real sense of who they are as people.

Think quick on their feet, and they should be super, super hot.

So, we got it right on the first one.

-So, Andy, talk about your acting. -I like it.

-My acting, well... -You've been in one of my favorite movies,

the Elf movie.

Yes, I have a small enough part in it that people don't remember that I'm in it

all the time. It's great.

Uh...

Oh! Is that sarcasm?

It was. It was sarcasm.

-Teach it to me. -It was.

-Well, I said something that was untrue. -Okay.

I said, "That's really great." Which I don't think it's great.

-I think it's annoying and it's hurtful. -Oh.

But then just to help sell the sarcasm, I made a face like...

Like, "I didn't really mean that."

Hard to track. Let's see if I can do it.

Oh, boy. Oh, I love my job.

That's excellent. That...

My turn. Sarcasm.

-Okay. -All right. Biscuits are best with gravy.

It's... Yeah, I guess that...

You understood the sarcasm?

I'm assuming that you're of the opinion

that biscuits are not best with gravy.

I love biscuits.

-Do you love them with gravy? -I do.

-So, you meant what you said. -Yes.

No, you should say something that you don't mean.

Oh! All right. Can we try this again? Real quick. Real quick.

Sure. It's your warship.

The human sport of baseball is so entertaining.

A lot of people would think that was a good one

because people find baseball to be boring.

No, I love baseball.

Just for the sake of ending this, I'm gonna say that was perfect.

-Good job, boss. -Was that sarcasm?

-No. -Okay.

-He did a little lip thing! Sarcasm! -Yeah!

-Lights! The lights! The lights! -He did a little face.

Oh, man, I love how much you guys love me.

-We love you so much. -Andy, I wanna thank you so much

for giving us those pointers. Our very first guest.

-First guest! -I'm happy to do it. Thank you.

Would you do me a favor and stand up?

-Of course. -All right.

Would you strike your most Andy Richter pose?

Okay.

Beam shaka-laka-boom!

-Oh, my gosh. -Oh, we did it.

My first interview was a complete success. I am a natural.

Sir, I worked up a little comedy sketch about how your people destroyed my planet

and made the Cornisian people a subservient working class.

It's got puppets.

No, puppets are gross.

And that whole thing sounds like a huge bummer.

That's not the kind of comedy people want to see on late-night TV.

Well, it feels topical to me, but fine.

What kind do they wanna see?

-It's like... Okay. It's like, you know... -Uh-huh.

I can't explain it.

So, I'm sending you to go find some late-night TV insiders

and steal all of their secrets.

-What if they find out I'm an alien? -Just don't tell them you're an alien.

-Beam. -But...

-Oh, hi. -All right.

I'm an alien!

I mean, I'm not an alien.

Hey, are you all late-night insiders?

We're late-night writers.

Thought you looked like people who had pitches

for fun things to do with Vin Diesel.

-Some weeks more than others. -How do you deal with your host?

One thing you can do is laugh really hard at them no matter what.

And then end with a long...

-Yeah, that's it. -That felt gross.

Felt like I was compromising something inside.

-Now you get that. -Yes, that's it.

Hollywood.

You ever bring in a guest against their will like we're planning?

You mean like a hostage?

An abduction is kind of more like I'd call it.

I mean, they're not always excited to be there.