Anger Management

Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

By the way, I just wanna say I'm really sorry

for last week's snack fiasco.

I had no idea that macaroons

would create such vitriolic feelings...

not to mention, mommy issues.

I was as surprised as anybody.

Before we start, I've got an announcement to make.

This is my last session ever.

Turns out, my problem wasn't anger,

it's that I wasn't a famous model.

But I just booked my first shoot,

so I really just came to make fun of you

and say goodbye.

Ed, you cried over cookies... ha, ha, ha!

A model, huh? In what? A magazine

behind the counter in a gas station?

Or some website that you have to click on...

"I'm over 18 and horny"?

Please, please, please, please, please...

No. It's for a brand-new

high-fashion line called "Montmarte,"

and as soon as they see how good my ass looks in their clothes,

they're gonna make it the new face of their company.

Lacey, we're all happy that you got your first photo shoot.

And even though models seem like a healthy and stable bunch...

you really should keep coming to therapy.

Lacey, I think I speak for Charlie, here

when I say that modeling isn't gonna solve your problems.

- Thank you. - However, it does lead to the wealth and fame

that will solve your problems.

- Thank you. - And thank you again.

Look, Lacey, you still have underlying anger issues.

Plus... you're too fat to be a model.

- I'll kill you. - Ah, see? Right there.

And you're not fat. I only said that to prove my point.

And I only said I'll kill you

because if you call me fat again, I'll kill you.

- Hey, Charlie. - Hey, Jen.

Charlie!

You know, Canvas, every time I see you, you don't have to...

yeah, I guess you do.

Oh, wow, you smell like...

fresh trees at nightfall.

And you smell like...

a goat.

Oh, wow! I was just hanging out with my goat.

You have a goat? He has a goat?

Yeah. I was waiting for that to come up naturally in conversation.

And here we are.

So, anyway, we came over

because you asked Canvas to help you feng shui your house.

- I did? - You 'member, we talked about it

when we were riding horses by that raw chocolate volcano?

Aw, wait. That was a dream.

Do you remember?

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure as I was sliding down

your LSD rainbow, I told you to forget about it.

You know, I'm really worried that you have

energy blocks in your house,

and someone your age... you don't need that, you know?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... someone my age?

Yeah, let's face it. You got 40 in the rear view,

and you need all the energy flow you can get.

Right? I'll check it out.

Now, Jen I know that you think that he's the perfect guy.

I mean, how could you not?

You met at a drug festival in the desert.

I wish you'd just give him a chance.

I think that if you and everyone else got to know him,

you all would actually like him.

Well, Jen, it's not that tough.

Just have a barbecue, invite everyone you know,

and they'll get to know him.

- You'd do that for me? - Whoa, whoa... why me?

You got the grill in the divorce.

Jen, if I have the family over for a barbecue,

that means I gotta invite people I don't like...

like my dad. And Canvas!

Thank you. Thank you, Charlie.

Oh, and remember, Canvas and I are vegetarians.

That's fine, I'll just lie and say the hot dogs are vegetarian.

Thank you.

Anger Management 2x31 - Charlie Kills His Ex's Sex Life - Original air date August 8, 2013

Maybe you should slow down there, Edward.

You're the designated driver tonight.

- Says who? - Says I've had four already.

- Can I try a beer? - No, you cannot.

It's against the law. Besides, as of now,

you are the designated driver tonight.

But I only have a learner's permit.

The best way to learn is to practice.

We're here for you. Hear, hear.

Hey, sorry we're late. We made a kale-dandelion salad.

And I made the dressing from milk I got from my goat.

Sounds great. I hope there's enough for just the two of ya.

I'm sorry. Canvas, this is Ed.

Where's this goat? If we're gonna eat it,

I'd better get to the killin' and skinnin'.

No, Ed. My goat has a beautiful spirit,

like you have.

- Come here. - No!

Canvas, this is my dad, Martin.

He'd hug you, but you're holding meat.

And I'm also a man.

So, Canvas... that's a very interesting name.

Well, I mean, it's open to interpretation.

Here's my interpretation... it's not a real name at all.

And you should button that shirt.

I'll take these out for you. Be nice.

Sorry about my dad.

Here's something you don't know about him...

he's a horrible person.

And you're wearing a dress.

You were pretty much doomed when you walked into the house.

Wow. So you're saying be myself.

I am?

Yeah. That's so wise.

You gotta be on the planet a long time to have that kind of wisdom.

Well, I haven't been on the planet that long.

Oh, right. I forget sometimes people your age

get sensitive about how old they are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude. How old do you think I am?

I don't believe in age. It's just a number.

I measure people by their vitality.

Oh... I almost forgot. I made you something.

A cane!?

No, man. It's a walking stick.

It's meant to keep you walking strong

even as your body starts to grow weak.

That's for you.

Thank you.

Where the hell have you been?

I figure it's a barbecue, we're gonna shoot some hoops later,

so I had to go find my knee brace.

We're not getting any younger, Charlie.

That doesn't mean we're getting old.

Chill out, "Moses."

Where'd you get that cane?

It's a walking stick...

and I don't need it.

I don't know. I've seen some mornings

where you could use that thing to get around.

It's not because I'm old, it's because I'm hung over.

Why are you so upset?

Brother Charlie, I meant to ask, do you need help with anything?

- What's up, man? - What's up?

You never told me Sam had a boyfriend.

No, no, this is Canvas, Jen's new boyfriend.

Oh, now I know why.

You want me to bring this cooler out?

I mean, it looks heavy.

I can handle the cooler. I'm in good shape.

I played professional baseball.

What about you, Canvas? You play any sports?

And dancing naked around a fire

blowing on a pan flute is not a sport.

Yeah, actually, I'm a pretty natural athlete.

Oh, really? What do you say we go outside

- and play a little basketball? - Cool. I'm in.

No, not you. Just me and Canvas.

One-on-one.

You wanna borrow my knee brace?

I don't need your stupid knee brace.

Let's do this.

Keep it handy, just in case.

Please tell me they're done playing basketball.

It's been five hours. They missed the whole barbecue.

I don't think Charlie's gonna quit

- until he wins a game. - Has he come close?

Well, every game starts at zero to zero,

so technically, he's been tied at least once every game.

Injured man, coming through.

Oh, my God, sweetie. Are you all right?

I'm okay, beauty. I just... I rolled my ankle.

Rolled it? What does that mean?

It means he had to forfeit the game, so I won.

Give me my ball.

Why you gotta be so competitive, Charlie?

Oh, come on. He's a kid, he'll be fine.

Just stay off it a while and give him some Flintstone chewables.

They've got calcium.

I'll just put some ice on it when we get home.

We're not going anywhere. I can't drive a stick,

and you're not driving either.

You're ankle's been horribly "rolled," whatever that means.

All, right, fine. You can stay in the guest room.

Oh, here.

Here's a cane... I mean, a walking stick.

You need it more than I do.

Thanks.

I gotta hand it to you.

You really hung in there with that kid.

Sure did.

- Chair? - Chair!

Yeah.

Patrick: Coming.

Keep your pants on...

unless that's you, Brice.

Lacey? Oh, my God, what happened?