Key & Peele

Here! - (TIRES SCREECHING)

Shit.

What are you doing? Come on.

I'm coming.

- Stay where you are. - What are you doing?

Stop! Thank you.

You're not unlocking it!

We're doing it at the same time, is the problem.

Unlock the door!

No.

- Now. Fuck.

Stop touching it while I do the lock!

- What do you want me to do? - Just do it now.

- Are you... - Unbelievable!

- Kidding me? - Stop it and reset.

- Put it down. - I'm just holding it.

- Take your hand off the thing! - It is on the thing.

I got to reset the thing. Look, look at this.

Huh? Huh? Nothing happens if you're holding it up.

Everybody knows not to do that,

'cause now it's all jiggered in the middle.

It got all jiggered in the middle now!

- Stop. - Ahhh! What?

Take your hand away from the door completely.

Thank you.

Oh, that's rich!

- You are gonna get... - Drop your weapon.

What happened? What happened, though?

What happened? I don't know what happened.

Crazy crazy

Does is crazy

Make up for adjustment

You jammin' on the verse

First one's planned that you want to do

All I want

But I don't need you

I'll throw out a topic.

You're gonna throw out a topic? Have you seen an alien?

Have I seen an alien?

I did see...

"No" is a perfectly fine answer for the...

I did... Okay, well, here's the thing.

Can there be subterranean aliens? That can't be right.

'Cause they have to come from space.

Story, please.

When I was a kid, I saw a, um...

I was in Canada with my friends, and there was... We were...

There was a hole in the backyard of this one guy's house

that we were hanging out at, and the hole was like... It was...

There was a fissure like this in the ground, and there was a heap of dirt in the middle,

and the heap of dirt was like scoot, scoot, scoot.

It just went like that. And we ran away.

- How big? - I mean, like... I can't.

Hold on, like, like this.

You're talking about a hedgehog and shit.

How did you go from alien, to telling me a story about a fucking hedgehog?

We never saw it, so who knows...

He said, "Subterranean aliens."

Come on, Jack.

Wait, wait.

We got to be careful here.

This place is crawling with 'em.

- What was that? - What?

Cover me.

Guys! Hey, guys!

Hey, guys. Oh, thank God.

Hey, we started a community of survivors.

Y'all come live with us.

Wait. How did you know?

Come on.

Redneck wants us to move into his community? Us?

Let's go.

Guys, over here!

Oh, thank God there are others!

Would you let me date your daughter?

Of course!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Ahhh! Please don't hurt me!

Uh, my best friend is black and I love Jay-Z,

and, uh, my favorite movie is Think Like a Man.

- She's good. - Come with us.

- Okay. Stay close.

- Okay. - What's your name?

- Emily. Of course it is.

Hey, hey, hey! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

What do you think about the police?

Well, I love their third album.

I don't have any money! No money!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Thank God you guys showed up.

I got to get out of here.

It's a silver Lexus. Just pull it right up front,

and don't scuff the paint, all right? I just had it buffed.

- Was he an alien, too? - Yep.

Gave up my girlfriend and my family.

Gave up my girlfriend and my family.

Traded 'em in for an M-16.

Traded 'em in for an M-16.

Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Iraq.

Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Iraq.

I don't care if I ever come back.

I don't care if I ever come back.

From poor families, how far we roam.

From poor families, how far we roam.

So the rich kids can just stay at home.

So the rich kids can just stay at home.

When I come home with PTSD...

When I come home with PTSD...

...the VA hospital won't care for me.

The VA hospital won't care for me.

I'll probably end up homeless out in the dark.

I'll probably end up homeless out in the dark.

To get played onscreen by Marky-Mark.

What?

I'm way less homophobic than you.

Okay, that's all well and good.

I don't agree.

I will give a backrub to a gay man,

and we're both naked.

That's how non-homophobic I am.

Dude, I would put

parts of my body

maybe into another gay man's body.

I mean, into a gay man's body, not another gay man's body.

Into a gay man's body, and I would be like, "Hey, this is therapeutic."

If I were a doctor, and you were gay

and you needed a prostate exam, no problem here.

- Okay, but you see what... - That's about overall health.

That's not about me trying to stimulate...

No, you engaged in gay sex in that scenario.

I said a part of my body. I didn't say my penis, necessarily.

Insertion is insertion.

No, there are different degrees of insertion.

Welcome, Johnson family.

Now, we all know why we're here.

Cousin Delroy's getting married.

Mmm-hmm.

To a man.

- Which is crazy. - Mmm-hmm.

And we're in support, and, uh, we just need a little help

with the particulars of a gay wedding.

What I've done is I took the,

uh, initiative to get my friend Gary in here,

who's... I mean, he's not really my friend.

He's a coworker of mine who happens

to be a active member of the homosexual community,

and he's gonna give us some advice on what...

You know, what, what to do.

So, Gary, what, what can, what can we expect?

Well, um, first of all, guys,

thanks so much for having me here,

and, uh, I think it's really amazing

what you guys are doing for your cousin Delroy.

Um, really, I just wanted to say, basically, that a gay wedding

is just like a straight wedding.

Yes? Yes, sir.

So then do the men wear dresses and then the women would wear suits?

Um, no. No, no, no.

You would just where exactly what you would wear at a straight wedding.

Oh.

Now, none of us are gay, so I assume

that we would all sit then, in the straight section.

- The straight section? - Yeah.

Oh, the straight section. He means as opposed to the gay section.

No, no, there's, there's no sections, guys.

- But the gay people... - No, no, no.

- You would just sit... ...and then the straight?

No, Larry, Larry, listen to me just for a second.

- But then the aisle. - You would just...

You would just sit on the side of the person

that were friends with, or that your family's members,

just like in a straight wedding.

So we just guess who's gay?

Or not. You could just... Yeah.

- We'll guess who's gay. - Okay. Guess who...

When in the ceremony do we sing, "Over The Rainbow?"

Well, you don't. You don't. You don't.

This is a religious ceremony, so you wouldn't be singing that during the service.

- Oh, all right. - You done with the questions?

No, I'm just asking.

I'm nervous 'cause I can only do jazz hands

for about three minutes 'fore my hands start to cramp.

Oh, sir, I don't think anyone's gonna expect you...

I don't think any... I don't think anyone's gonna

expect you to have to do jazz hands.

Now, can we see the pony show from the straight section?

Or are we way in the back somewhere?

Ma'am, again, there's no straight section. What is a pony show?

You know, when y'all go like this.

No, there won't be...

There won't be any of this during the ceremony.

Oh. Oh.

When do we sing, "YMCA?"

- Oh. - Sir, not during the ceremony.

Okay.

- What about, "Macho, Macho Man?" - Nope.

I don't know where to buy no gay presents.

Well, I don't know what a gay present is.

Um, usually, what couples do is they just,

they just register at a store...

- Huh. ...like a straight couple would.