Friday Night Dinner

All right, Dad?

What?

Hello.

Oh, yes. Hello, Bambino.

Boiling tonight, isn't it? Pwhoar! Baking.

And why are you in that ridiculous hat? Protection.

From...?

From the sodding pigeon that did this.

Jesus! That's all from one pigeon? Yeah, from one pigeon.

What, and you know the one that did it, do you?

Oh, I know the one, all right. It's a flying crapping machine.

I swear it eats other pigeon's crap then craps that crap back out again.

Nice.

Ooh, I've got the stuff. Good boy.

Here.

Don't give it to me now! Do you want your mother to strangle me?

All right!

Hide it properly.

What?

Down there.

Dad!

Seriously?

Well, go on.

All right!

Adam?

Urgh!

Hi, Mum!

Hi, Adam!

It's so good to be home.

You all right?

Oh, yeah, Bobble.

Revolting top.

Thank you.

Revolting.

Where's Pissface?

Pissface? Oh, I just got a text from him.

"Won't be long. Have some exciting news!"

Wonder what it is.

They've located his brain.

Oh. "P.S. Please spit in Adam's mouth."

Horrible sons!

I've got shit all over my hands.

But lovely father.

Isn't he?

Martin, do you have to wear your Little Miss Muffet boots in here?

What?

Oh, Adam, bring Dad's special salad through, would you?

What?

Oh, his special salad.

Oh, dear! Was this yours?

So, Dad's still doing his low cholesterol thingy?

You know, he's been quite good.

Yesterday, he had his first aubergine.

Blimey!

What's that?

You had an aubergine.

I had an aubergine.

He's done so well, haven't you?

No chips, no chocolate, no cakes, no cheese for two weeks.

And you've been sticking to it?

Of course.

You've been so brave.

Anything for you, my sweet.

Aw!

Right.

Bring the stuff.

Ow!

Not here, you imbecile.

Oh, of course, your office.

Hurry up!

I just want to say that this is the last time I do this for you.

Yes.

OK, here's your cheese.

Where's the cakes?

Jonny's on cakes.

Oh, yes, Jonny's on cakes.

Mmm, brie!

Don't know how fresh it's going to be, having just been down my underpants.

No, that's good. Means it's melted a little.

Perfect!

So, any, um, females?

I'm really not going to have that conversation with you right now.

Why not?

Because you're eating cheese in the loo.

So?!

So, this is what it's come to?

Oh, you don't understand what it's like here.

Your mum's been feeding me pieces of forest all week,

and for dessert - bloody fruit salad.

It's like living in Nazi Germany.

Bit of an exaggeration.

Martin, are you in the loo again?

Mum.

Coming!

Hold.

Dad?

Ssh! I know what I'm doing.

Um, hygiene?

What?

Wait!

All clear.

Hi!

Oh, Christ!

Jonny!

All right, Pusface. Females?

No, actually. Dad's drugs? Dad's drugs.

Here.

Hi, Jonny.

Oh, hi, Mum.

So, what's the big news?

What? Oh!

Thanks, Jonny.

Oh, hello, my darling.

You all right, Martin?

Oh, yes, just...

doing a toilet.

There.

I'll put my shirt on.

So, anyway, my news?

Oh, yes, your news.

Yes, my news.

Ha! Ahhh!

So, you know how I'm the younger brother,

but I'm the only one with a proper job?

For proper cocks. It's called an estate agent. Cock agent. Boys!

And you know I've only been there for, like, six months?

Making the tea, cleaning the toilet...

Shut up.

Well, I've been promoted!

Oh, my God! Promoted?

Oh, Jonny, that's amazing!

Yeah, well done, Jonny. Sorry, what's he done?

He's been demoted.

Promoted.

And guess what? Liz was so happy with my work she gave me...

a company car.

A company car? Oh, Jonnyboo!

Clever boy.

Well done, Pissface.

Come on, I'll show ya.

Ooh, exciting!

And later we'll go for a family spin.

Ooh, family spin!

Family spin!

Well?

Is that it?

Yeah. It's good, isn't it?

I thought you said it was a car.

Huh? It is a car.

Erm, I think that's a house.

It's not a house. It's a car.

Made of bricks.

Shut up!

Mum?

It does look a bit house-y.

No, Mum, it's just clever marketing.

Clever, as in total shit?

Ow!

Well, Dad?

Is that your new company car, then?

You know it is.

Do they not like you there?

Martin!

Oh, ignore them, darling.

Oh, it's lovely, really and it's nothing like a house.

No, just a car with a mortgage.

Right. Well, thank you. Thank you, all, very much.

Oh, Jonny, come on!

They really must hate his guts.

Mm.

Jonnyboo!

You have done so well and it's a lovely... vehicle.

Really?

Course, darling.

Adam, hasn't your brother done well?

What, to be driving a roof?

Well, at least I'm not a sad git who writes crap jingles for... paint thinner.

Paint stripper, actually.

Oh, yeah, how could I forget? You only use it as your ringtone.

'Paint stripper, by Samsons'

It's good for business.

So sad.

That is a bit sad.

Agh, shit on it! Shit on it!

What's the matter?

Bloody hell!

What's the matter?

All right, Dad?

You all right?

Move! Move!

Oh, be spatially aware!

What happened?

The bleeding bird just crapped in my eye!

So she must like you, this, er, Liz lady.

What?

Your boss.

Guess so.

She's... pretty cool actually.

Ooh!

Mum, tell Adam to piss off, would you?