The 4:30 Movie

McCreary with the song of the summer,

"Astro Blaster and the Beavermen."

Still playing at a theater near you.

Not seeing Poltergeist 2, man.

That creepy old preacher guy looks like my stepmom.

Sunday morning, Whispering Woody on Z-100.

Here all day. Can't do Hands Across America,

but that does not mean

that I can't hand you two tickets

to see Major Murder defend

his intercontinental championship title.

Worldwide wrestling coming to the Brendan Byrne Arena

in New Jersey.

The 100th caller wins.

China Taste.

Yes. Can I get, uh,

some General Tso's chicken, please?

Sorry, no Tso's.

No Tso's? Did the chickens escape?

No, we're still doing breakfast for the next hour.

Breakfast?

Then can I get two scrambled eggs?

- Toast or fruit? - Ew.

Toast. Burn that fruit before somebody eats it on accident.

Absolutely no fruit. Anything else?

Can I get an orange juice?

Never fruit, but somehow OJ's okay.

Uh, and a pork roll,

egg and cheese.

Bagel with cream cheese and any other cheese

you sees, please.

He's a poet and he didn't even know it.

Anything else?

Yes.

Six and a half almond cookies

and your hand in marriage.

Who is this?

Well, it's not Brian David. That guy's a pud.

He... he sure is.

I haven't heard from you in a long time, Brian David.

- What are you doing? - Calling Melody Barnegat

and I'm making a Morton's jelly donut.

Toaster oven or microwave?

I don't have a toaster oven or a microwave, Richie Rich.

Jesus. Do you guys have a robot maid

in your mansion, Miss Millionaire?

Shut up. Did you really call to order all this food?

No.

I was calling to talk to you.

Oh, yeah? Why?

Uh...

Was wondering...

Do you wanna go to the movies with me today?

You can-- You can totally say no.

Okay.

Uh, s-seriously?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, hold on one second.

Cool.

Yeah, anything but Poltergeist 2.

Uh, because Tobe Hooper didn't direct?

- Who? - The guy who directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

He made the first Poltergeist even though most people think it was Spielberg.

You sure know a lot about movies.

But I can't see Poltergeist 2 with you

because I'm supposed to go with my mom.

Your mom? Why?

Oh, first one's like her favorite movie ever.

She says it's because she likes ghost stories,

but I know she's lying.

Why would your mom lie about Poltergeist?

My aunt was drunk one night

and she said that when my mom was in eighth grade,

she went to the school dance with the guy

who plays the dad in Poltergeist.

So that's why she likes the movie so much.

Oh, my gosh. She probably gave Craig T. Nelson a hand job.

I'd be so mad you said that right now

if I wasn't so impressed you remember the guy's name.

You sure know a lot about movies.

I know there's a movie you and me gotta go see

that your mom will love.

"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Remember when we were in the pool last summer?

Do you wanna touch 'em?

Uh, you mean...

when I almost let you get to second?

Well, yeah,

but this was right before that.

- Marco. - Polo.

- Marco. - Polo.

Marco.

Why do you wear your shirt in the pool?

Because my tits are bigger than yours?

You should take your shirt off in the pool, just one time.

You should take your shirt off everywhere,

all the time.

You're so funny.

All short people are funny.

It's too loud. I'm reading.

Mom, tell Brian David he's not short.

How about I tell him to get off my daughter instead?

He's not on me. I'm on him.

Get off that boy or the only thing you'll be on is punishment.

Uh, what are you reading, Mrs. Barnegat?

Bucklick.

Holy shit! Your mom just called me a butt-lick!

She said "Bucklick", with a K.

It's-- it's a book series my mom loves

about a wisecracking detective whose name is U.B. Bucklick.

You be a butt-lick.

- You be a butt-lick. - You be a butt-lick.

You be a butt-lick.

Do you wanna touch 'em?

I totally shoulda touched 'em.

You totally shoulda.

It's, like, the biggest mistake I ever made. Shh.

So why didn't you?

Well, I wanted you to think I was a nice guy.

I did think you were a nice guy

until you stopped calling me.

Well, I'm calling you now because there's a Bucklick movie,

and we totally gotta go see it together.

No way. They made a Bucklick movie?

Ch'yeah, uh,

they-they showed a preview for it

when I saw Top Gun.

It looks really funny, and it's playing in Atlantic.

Wait, then we gotta go.

Just got yelled at so I gotta hang up. What time's Bucklick?

There's a 2:15 show.

I can't do 2:15. I get off at 2:00

and then I need to go home and shower before I go out

because I smell like an egg roll.

Uh, we could go to the next show at 4:30.

We could, couldn't we?

We should, shouldn't we?

"Could", to "should".

Wow. You move fast.

Except in the pool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you wanna go?

Yeah. Let's go see Bucklick.

Sweet. Then I'll see you

at the 4:30 movie, Melody Barnegat.

I'll see you at the 4:30 movie, Brian David.

B-Bye.

There is a God.

Off to get the new Starlog.

It's kind of brisk out.

A very unassuming day.

Nothing fantastic happening.

Morning, Cookie.

Mr. B.D.

Uh, you on the schedule today?

Nope. I'm gonna go sit on the dock

and read the new Starlog,

then I'm going to the movies.

Man, you and your movies.

Shit's not real, you know.

Like that movie E.T.?

That never happened.

That movie Conan?

Never happened.

That movie Gandhi?

Shit never happened.

I'm pretty sure Gandhi happened.

Well, that shit happened for three hours,

so I stopped watching it.

You heard that new Run-D.M.C. album?

- Fresh. - Super fresh, right?

Chilly most.

Gandhi definitely happened.

It didn't happen!

No, it definitely happened.

Star Wars did!

May 25th, 1986.

Today is a big day.

I finally called Melody Barnegat

and invited her out to the movies.

Why, you ask?

One word.

Love.

I got a 24-karat case of love.

Mrs. B's making bacon for breakfast!

It's not for breakfast.

It's for you guys to bring to the movies.

This is movie bacon?

It's cheaper than that rip-off candy counter,

and bacon's better for you than all that popcorn.

- Hmm. - You're growing boys.

You need bacon to build big, strong hearts.

"Oh, g'day. I'm Bob Mackenzie and this is my brother Doug."

"How's it going, eh?"

- Is that my movie bacon? - Ah! Don't touch it yet.

I gotta put the mayonnaise on it first.

Are we really gonna be

sneaking around the movies all day?

I heard that Danny Banks got caught doing that last week

and they banned him for life.