Mom

Hi, Bonnie, alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Well, (sighs) as if being a single mom

wasn't stressful enough...

: What?

I'm also the manager

of an apartment building.

Anyway, the owners of the building have started this thing

called an "annual performance evaluation,"

which is worrisome 'cause, uh...

no one in the building really likes me.

So, I called Marjorie and she said,

: "Bonnie, nothing changes

"if nothing changes.

"Just do one thing different

and see what happens."

- Do I really sound like that? - No.

So, starting today...

when a tenant asks me to fix something,

I'm gonna give 'em this finger

instead of the one I want to give 'em.

Thanks.

- Who'd like to go next? - I will.

- Hi, I'm Jill, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Jill.

Well, I have my final meeting

with my caseworker today, where they tell me

if I'm approved to be a foster parent.

I've done everything they asked...

I put a big ugly fence around my pool,

childproofed my whole kitchen.

It takes me ten minutes to get a damn cracker.

I am terrified.

I want this so bad.

I called Marjorie about it. She said,

: "Jill, you are in the actions business.

God is in the results business."

- You sure I don't sound like that? - Not at all.

So, I guess we'll see what God's got in mind

this afternoon at 1:30.

Wouldn't hurt if y'all said a little prayer for me.

Thank you.

If you want, I'll go to your appointment with you.

- You'd do that? - Of course.

It's like Marjorie always says,

: "Christy, in this program,

we never have to do anything alone."

You don't really sound like that.

Excuse me, sweetie,

are you here with a grown-up?

I am a grown-up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were a foster child.

If you have a spare mother, I'm open to it!

- Hey, what'd they say? - Let's just go.

Wait, what happened?

They turned me down.

Why?

My caseworker thinks I haven't been sober long enough.

I can apply again in a year.

Oh, Jill.

I'm not saying I'm gonna do it,

but this is kind of a Xanax moment.

No, hold on. This isn't right. Wait here.

Hey! You listen to me.

You are making a gigantic mistake

turning down Jill Kendall.

We're both in AA and I can tell you

she is totally committed to her sobriety.

Thank you. And she will make one hell of a foster mother!

There's a poor little child out there

who needs her, and shame on you for standing in the way!

Shame!

- Sorry I'm late. - Where have you been?

Managing a 32-unit apartment building.

Some of us work for a living, Wendy.

I'm an emergency room nurse.

And I actually help people.

Case in point, Mrs. Slivkin in 2E

now has a working light fixture in her bathroom.

Ignoring her took six months, fixing it took six minutes.

There's a lesson in there somewhere.

It's my caseworker.

What does she want, to reject me again?

Hey, Barbara, what's up?

That's amazing.

Your crazy little outburst changed her mind.

You should have seen me. I actually spit a little.

Really, already?

They have a child for me.

- Awesome. - That's great.

- Wow. - Uh-huh.

- It's a little girl named Emily. - Oh, I always wanted a girl.

Oh, that's perfect.

She's 14 months old.

- Oh... - Oh...

Baby shower.

Excuse me, what?

14 years old.

- Oh. - Ooh.

Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, can I call you right back?

Thanks.

Teenage girl, she's bounced around the system for a while,

dad's gone, mom's an addict.

She sounds like our people.

- What are you thinking? - I don't know.

I mean, this whole time, I've only pictured myself

with a baby.

I can't dress a teenage girl like a bumblebee

and make it my Christmas card.

But think about all the good you can do for this girl.

Yeah, I lived this. No one wants an older foster kid.

You're like one of those hot dogs at the gas station

that's been on the roller too long.

You have a chance to do something wonderful here.

Right.

You can help this girl not turn into

an old hot dog like my mom.

Do you have to give 'em an answer right away?

No, the next step would be

to meet and see if we like each other.

I guess I can do that much.

- Damn it. - What?

Slivkin. I fixed the light

in her bathroom, now she can see

the black mold in her shower.

No good deed, huh?

Siri, what is black mold?

What do you think?

Does this say fun foster mom?

It says Prince died and all I got was this lousy hat.

It's not really you.

What about now?

Take the hat off, Jill.

: Oh, God.

Now that this thing is starting to get real,

I'm totally freaking out.

I don't even know what she should call me.

I mean, I'm not her mom, "Jill" sounds too familiar,

and "Mama Jill" sounds like I run a whorehouse.

You were a foster kid.

What'd you call the people who took you in?

Unlucky.

So, where are you meeting this girl?

My caseworker's bringing her to the bistro.

It's like the scariest first date of my life

and I went out with Dennis Rodman.

Okay, we need to come back to that eventually.

But, for today, just relax.

Talk about clothes and boys.

It's your wheelhouse.

In a lot of ways, you are a 14-year-old girl.

You always know just what to say.

So, how's it going with all the tenants

evaluating your performance?

How do you think it's going, Christy?

Sorry.

Yeah. On the plus side,

I have learned a lot about myself.

Really? Like what?

Well, apparently, your mother rubs people the wrong way.

No.

I was surprised, too.

Then, I read some of the reports.

They let you see them?

I may have steamed open a couple envelopes.

And get this:

people described me as "lazy, untrustworthy,"

and in one memorable instance,

"a useless broomstick with hair."

Ouch. (chuckles)

Hey, one tenant called you my pet mouse.

That's so mean, I didn't do anything.

Oh, stop squeaking.

So, what's gonna happen?

If you lose this job, we lose the apartment.

Thanks, I'd actually forgotten that for a couple of minutes.

Hang on.

Siri, remind me to pick up mousetraps on the way home.

- (laughs) - What?

"Broomstick with hair."

It's Jill.

- Are you gonna answer it? - Kind of have to.

Hi.

I just want to thank you guys again

for being here with me.

She's thanking us for being here.

I can hear her.

You sure you don't want to sit with us?

You'll be fine. We're right here if you need us.

Oh, my God, they're here.

Just remember, boys and shopping.

Or cigarettes and shoplifting.

Hi, Barbara.

Hey, Emily, I'm Jill. What's your name?

- Emily. - (laughs) Right, of course, sorry.

Uh, please, sit.

I'm a little nervous. This is my first...

whatever this is.

Not mine.