Pete versus Life

'Tonight, on Pete Versus Life,

'the socially inept would-be sports writer

'takes on a quite daunting array of top flight opponents.

'There's his best mate's fiancee, Anna,

'whose goal is never to have to use public transport again.

'Jen, the human rights lawyer who once threw a carton of natural yoghurt at Tony Blair.

'And his ex-flatmate, Jake - he likes the environment,

'but he also likes a laugh.

'Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.'

Welcome. I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry McIlroy.

So, we find Pete in a theme bar. What do you think the theme is, Terry?

Well, the world's shittest pub by the looks of it, Colin.

On the plus side, it's full of young, pretty girls,

or, as we used to say back in the old days, "crumpet".

'Well, times have moved on. Let's just say "attractive young women".

'Although I believe the term "bitches" is now acceptable.

'Not on TV, Terry.'

Hi, guys. Hey!

Oh!

Oh, two.

Has anyone got any questions they want me to ask Cristiano Ronaldo?

It's all set for tomorrow.

The interview's happening? Brilliant!

Yeah, basically...

Excuse me, Pete, but we were having a conversation before you arrived.

Oh, sorry.

Unless you think football is more important than our wedding?

No, your wedding's great.

Thanks. So I was just telling Ollie about the place settings...

every table's going to be named after a different college at Oxford,

cos that was such an important part of my life.

That's a really good idea.

There'll be Brasenose, Pembroke, Jesus, Oriel, Trinity...

She's mentioned this table place settings idea before, hasn't she?

Yeah, on the 4th of March and the 12th of March.

It's also the 114th time she's crowbarred in the fact that she went to Oxford.

Astonishing to think she was only there for two terms.

And of course the last time they met,

Pete had to sit through 45 minutes on canapes...

That's right... and an hour a half

on the special vows she's written for Rob to say,

which left very little time for Pete's topics.

There's so much here for Pete to dislike

and that's before we get to the fact that since the engagement,

she's taken to calling Rob...

Bunny! Bunny. Bunny. Bunny. Bunny.

Bunny!

Balliol...

Oh. Work.

Hiya.

Everyone still happy with Amsterdam for the stag weekend?

I'll be perfectly happy just to look at prostitutes in shop windows.

Well, what's the point of that?

You get to look at them, but because they're behind glass they can't get you.

Fantastic news, Bunny!

Sally can cover for me at work - I can come to Amsterdam on the stag weekend!

Oh, that's brilliant!

We decided if I could swing it, then I should come,

because we're not only lovers but also...

best friends.

Yeah... well, th-that is brilliant.

We can hire bicycles, go to the Van Gogh Museum...

It's going to be a scream! 'So, Pete under pressure.

'What's he got in his locker?'

Oh, my God! We can visit Anne Frank's house.

Oh, I can't come.

What? Why not?

Uh...

Because of global warming.

What?

Short haul flights are an environmental crime.

But I thought it was your idea to go to Amsterdam?

Yeah, I know, but I've had time to think about it and...

air travel results in 1.5 kilos of carbon dioxide

being emitted into the Earth's atmosphere for every mile flown,

and that is unacceptable.

But you've... you've got to come, mate. It's... it's my stag weekend.

Yeah, I know but... it's your children's future.

Just going for a wee.

Hi, I'm Chloe. Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying,

and I think it's fantastic that you're not going on your friend's

stag weekend for the sake of the environment.

It's just something I'm really passionate about.

In fact, that's mine there, left it there earlier.

Oh, for me the environment is like a religion.

Me too.

Really like it.

Well, Terry, it looks like they wasted no time at all.

There's no other way to put this - they are in the foreplay stages

of the act of love-making.

And look at Pete's face!

She's got her hand on his old man.

What a great feeling that is, eh, Colin?

Oh, yeah, one of the best.

Getting the hand wrapped round the old bald-headed giggle stick. It's always a magic moment.

I remember back in '85, I was walking out with a young Anthea Turner...

Have to stop you there, Terry. Looks like Pete is going downstairs. Yes!

He's off the fairway and into the rough.

Aye, yodelling in the canyon. It's not something you'd expect from Pete,

not something he's overly fond of, but fair play to the lad,

he's pulling out all the bells and whistles on this one.

'So, let's take a closer look at the action. Well, he's resurfaced.

'Looks like they're going togo for it - oh, and they're off!

'Yeah, and very quickly into a nice rhythm.'

Oh, Pete.

'Listen to Chloe, making some very encouraging noises.

'Well, he's acquitted himself very well so far, but now

'is the crucial phase, this is where discipline really comes in.

'Oh, and there's the first indication

'he may be reaching the finishing line sooner than he'd hoped.

'Come on, Peter, keep it going.

'Aye, she's a very beautiful girl.

'It's probably the most erotic experience of Pete's life so far.

'It's not looking too good, is it?

'Come on, Pete, hang in there. Oh, that's brilliant.

'He's thinking of Wayne Rooney. That's bought him some valuable time.

'Yeah, not much chance of a dishonourable discharge when you're thinking of Wayne.

'Oh, but this is surely trickier ground. Metrosexual icon,

'David Beckham.

'It is trickier, Colin, but, you know, I reckon he can hold on.

'Come on, Pete, keep it going. Oh, no! It's Kate Humble from Springwatch!

'Surely it's only a matter of seconds now.

'And, yes... It's all over, there it is.

'The ball very much in the back of the net.

'Very disappointing end there, but, you know, not a bad performance.

'What you've got to remember here is, Colin,

'it's the first time the lad's played in over a year.'

Well, I've just got some times in and...

two minutes 43 for the last phase there, and looking at these stats,

that's actually one of the longest times he's managed on a first outing.

Is he maturing?

No, he had a crafty one off the wrist this morning.

'She lies there like a young Audrey Hepburn,

'but what's wrong with Pete's face?

'Well, for the first time since he were about nine-year-old, he's genuinely happy.'

Morning. Morning.

Peter, have you been eating my Weetabix again?

Kurt?!

Oh, excuse me. I didn't realise you were here with a young lady.

Hello.

I trust you've been practising safe sex?

Get out!

It's very important we talk about this.

In my country, HIV-related illnesses are reaching epidemic levels.

Oh, we did use a condom. No, don't answer him.

I'm pleased to hear it. What about my Weetabix?

Haven't touched your Weetabix.

Who else has eaten them? The landlady? Her body cannot tolerate fibre.

I'll get you some new Weetabix, even though I haven't touched 'em. Get out!

Nice to meet you, eh?

And you.

Have you been taking his Weetabix?

Well, yeah.

He says Weetabix, but really they're only Tesco's own brand.

Interesting fact about Pete's flatmate, Kurt,

is back in Zimbabwe he once killed a crocodile.

Not many crocodiles for Kurt now as he's studying IT Science

at London Metropolitan University,

formerly, of course, Holloway Polytechnic.

That's right.

'Did you go to Polytechnic, Terry?

'No, I'm proud to say, Colin, I've got no qualifications whatsoever.

'Well done.' That looks heavy.

Well, it's full of cows' liver.

Cristiano Ronaldo's granny gave it to me. It's a Portuguese delicacy.

There she is. Lacks some of the vision and swagger of her famous grandson,

but can still pick 12 kilos of olives in an hour.

Oh, yeah, how did that go?

I got on great with the granny, but he left after one question.

What was the question?

"Why did that woman accuse you of sexual assault?"

Anyway, don't worry about that. What happened with that Chloe?

The problem is that she's nuts about the environment,

and sooner or later, she'll want to have a conversation about it.

I've managed to keep her distracted so far with sex.

That won't last very long.

Tell me about it.

Oh, in fact, I've got a couple of tickets for a conference.

That might help you out.

"The Arctic - let's stop it melting together."

She might like these actually. Where'd you get 'em from?

Jake. Jake?

What's he doing back?

He's one of the speakers at the conference.

'Well, Jake is, I hesitate to use the phrase, "Pete's nemesis",

'because there are so many enemy figures in Pete's life,

'but he's not overly fond of Jake.

'And for all the reasons everyone else likes him...

'he's good-looking, he makes people laugh,

'and he's good in unstructured conversation.

'Plus, of course, when they were students, Jake witnessed this.

'Pete was watching the Antiques Roadshow,

'didn't want to miss the valuation on a hand-painted Regency vase,

'needed to wee, and took the bold step of relieving himself into the teapot.'

All right, Pete? I wasn't doing anything.

Hi, Pete.

Last night, all that stuff about the environment,

that was all bollocks, wasn't it?

You don't want to go to Amsterdam because Anna's coming.