Two and a Half Men

Yo, dude, what up?

Just follow my lead.

Oh, this is awesome.

Eh, it's just a little surf shack

where I keep my board, beer and brother.

How they breakin' today, Bro-heim?

How are what breaking?

He smokes way too much weed.

The waves, Poindexter.

Oh, oh, the waves...

the waves are...

knarly?

Well, all right, let's hit it.

Oh, I intend to.

Why don't you head out. I'll throw on my suit

and meet you there. Awesome.

Mm, bodacious and tubular.

Uh, excuse me, Moon Doggie--

quick question.

Yeah.

You don't surf, do you?

Not a bit.

So how did Gidget get the idea you were the Big Kahuna?

I hold her I hang ten,

and I guess she misunderstood.

You're going to Hell, you know.

I don't think so.

I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs

as long as they lead to recreational sex.

You really want to drag God into this?

Who gave me the penis, Alan?

Since when do you have a wet suit?

Since I moved to the beach

and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks.

If I lived next to Jellystone Park,

I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.

Would you get the door?

Oopsie.

Smooth.

So just out of curiosity,

how exactly do you plan to pull this off?

Simple-- paddle out,

yell "shark" and paddle in.

So you've thought this through?

I'm not an idiot.

Whoopsie.

Over here.

What happened?

I don't know.

This tiny wave came at us,

I let it go.

He screamed like a girl and fell off his board.

I had to give him mouth-to-mouth,

he swallowed a lot of water.

He's going to be okay?

I think so.

He tried slipping me the tongue.

Charlie, can you hear me?

Sha...

What?

Sha...

I think he's trying to say shark."

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah-ha * Men... *

Want something to drink?

Oh, yeah.

Ugh.

What is this?

Water.

Are you crazy? I almost drowned in that stuff.

Where's my little hard body?

He took off with that girl you brought home.

Other than that, your plan worked like a charm.

Fine. Go ahead and mock me.

But I could have died out there.

Well the sea is a harsh mistress.

And... you're a moron.

What? You said to mock you.

It's no joke, Alan.

Oh, come on.

You tried to scam your way into a surf bunny's shorts

and ended up French kissing a handsome young lifeguard.

How is that not a joke?

It's not a joke, because...

Something happened out there while I was drowning.

What, did your entire sordid, degenerate life

flash before your eyes?

I wish.

No, no, no.

It was...

Oh, you're not going to believe me.

Try me.

I saw Dad.

Oh, baloney.

You know what?

Just forget it.

Oh, come on, it was probably just

a hallucination caused by, you know,

brain cells dying.

No, I'm used to that.

This was no hallucination.

Dad was right there in the water with me.

All right, all right, for the sake of argument

let's assume that you saw

the spirit of our dead father.

What did he do, reach a hand out

to guide you to the great beyond?

Don't be ridiculous.

He didn't have hands.

It was just his head kind of floating there

like the great, powerful Oz.

Or one of the Pep Boys.

Wow.

Manny, Moe or Jack?

Jack.

And he spoke to me.

Oh, oh, you were able to hear him

underwater?

How weird.

Oh, that's the part that bumps you?

I'm just saying that you were able to hear him

because you were imagining it.

It was in your head.

No. Oh, no.

In a million years my mind

could not have made up what he said to me.

What'd he say?

Something that made my blood run cold.

What?

Never mind.

I probably heard him wrong.

Charlie... Please don't make me say it.

Come on, Charlie, I am your brother.

Whatever it was, we'll deal with it together.

He said...

"Take care of your mother."

Good luck with that.

* Men. *

Hey.

Hey.

Dad said you almost drowned today.

Yep.

Are you okay now?

I'm fine.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

It's about what happens when you die.

Okay.

Who gets your car?

Go away.

You're right. Not a good time to ask.

So, what you doing?

Thinking about Dad.

Yeah, about that,

I was wondering, when you saw him,

assuming you saw him,

did he... ask about me?

No.

He just said, "Take are of your mother."

Huh.

Didn't... didn't mention me at all?

Nope.

Typical.

Oh, here we go.

I'm just saying,

the guy doesn't get in touch for 30 years--

it wouldn't kill him to throw in a quick, "Hello, Alan."

Dead or alive, that's just rude.

Tell you what.

Why don't you go fill up the tub,

I'll hold your head under the water

till the bubbles stop,

and then you can tell him how offended you are.

Oh, no. I have nothing to say to him now.

How does he expect me to take care of her?

I don't know.

Why don't you try treating her like a human being?

Nah, that can't be it.

What if I put her in an assisted-living facility?

That's ridiculous. She's a healthy woman.

I'm not saying she wouldn't put up a fight.

But hey, crumble up a few Xanax in her mimosa

and we could probably coax her into a cave full of bats.

I don't think that's what Dad meant.

How do you know?

Did he talk to you?

No, he talked to me.

Sure, rub my nose in it.

How about this--

when was the last time you called her

just to see how she was doing?

Uh... what's today, Sunday?

Then never.

Why don't you start with that?

Okay. Fine.

Remember her number?

I've got it on speed dial.

6-6-6.

Cute, huh?

Hey, Mom, it's Charlie.