2 Broke Girls

Oleg, the people at Table Two

want to know what's in the veggie burger.

No. They don't.

Eh. That's fine.

They wanted refills, so I'm probably not

gonna go back there anyway.

Where's Max?

This plate has been here so long,

the salmon is turning into Salmonella.

She took a break with the new dishwasher.

Max, I thought you slipped out the back.

He did for a minute, but I popped him back in.

This just in, work is so much more fun

when you're sleeping with a co-worker.

Max, that was good.

It was five Hail Marys good.

I think we made these dishes dirtier.

Max, he's cute, but how can you even stay hard with that accent?

"Come here, Max. I wanna hump ya a wee bit".

What can I say, I always had a thing

for the guy on the box of Lucky Charms.

Hey, everybody.

Look, I got me a Fitbit.

13, 14, 15...

Only 200,000 more steps before I get a bit more fit

for my wedding.

That's impressive.

I couldn't even make it through 12 steps.

Hey, Max.

How's my maid of honor?

Hey, Caroline.

How's my run-of-the-mill wedding guest?

I'm doing great. Did that sound convincing?

'Cause I've been practicing it in the bathroom mirror

for an hour every morning.

I know, I've got to stop sitting on the toilet

while you do that.

Max, let's talk bridesmaid dresses.

I don't care, I'll wear anything.

I wore a Greyhound Bus driver's uniform to my prom.

I was coming straight from work.

Well, I have decided to wear

Grandma Kuchenski's wedding gown.

Yeah, all of the women in my family wore it.

Everyone except aunts Svetti and Letti,

'cause, well, they're attached at the abdomen.

There she is.

The hot sauce for my Huevos Mancheros.

Hey, Sophie, baby, I got you what you want.

Oleg, no one wants Hepatitis.

It's official.

Our wedding's gonna be in The Times.

Oleg, how are you gonna be in The Times?

The Times tends to be picky

and you tend to be more "picky your nose."

You know, my second wedding made The Times.

'Cause my first wife showed up and shot me in the leg.

That's Vlanka, my sister.

She's my other bridesmaid.

Yeah, we're not that close, but I feel bad for her

'cause she's one of those adults with freckles.

Max, you're going to be in The Times!

In The Times, wearing God knows what Sophie will pick.

I mean, she has a drawer full of diamond tiaras for the gym.

Hello, what are you two talking about?

Deciding which tables to ignore?

We're talking about Sophie's taste.

Oh, bitch, please. Come on.

My morning fiber cookie has better taste than Sophie.

Girls, Vlanka's out.

She has an attitude and freckles.

Yeah. I mean, that's too far.

So, Caroline, congratulations!

You're my new bridesmaid!

Okay, I found a bridesmaid's dress that I like.

But the only way we can afford it is if I sell you

to that Armenian guy on Craigslist.

No way.

I get sick of hummus after four bites.

Max, we have to take charge of this.

Because whatever bridesmaid's dress Sophie picks

is like a Tyler Perry movie.

I don't have to see it to know it's gonna be awful.

We'll find something classy, and beautiful,

and just shove it down her throat.

Who's shoving what down whom?

And if you don't have a story, I do.

John, Max and I got roped into being bridesmaids.

Stop.

You had me at rope.

You lost me at bridesmaids.

I'll be at the hostess stand, looking at dresses

and silently wishing for an asteroid

to wipe us off the planet.

If wishes made things happen, we'd been in the middle

of a zombie apocalypse right now.

Hey, girls.

My dress just arrived from Poland

and I'm bustin' for you to see it.

See it while I eat one of your $14 puddings.

Sophie, I've been looking at color choices,

and how would you feel about us in a nude?

Max could go nude but you don't have the rack to pull it off.

Does anyone have a knife?

Max, why do you have a switchblade

to work in a dessert bar?

My mother always told me to carry protection.

Wait 'til you see Grandma Kuchenski's dress.

They don't make them like they used to.

You know, forced gypsy labor is illegal now.

Here we go.

- Oh. - Uh...

Sophie, was your grandma the Crypt Keeper?

What's going on out here?

What's all that white powder in the air?

I'm trying to run a restaurant, not an 80's disco.

Oh, put a sock in it.

I'm buying one of your freaking overpriced puddings.

I'd get mad but I'm mildly attracted to you right now.

Just mildly?

I mean, now I'm getting mad.

Sorry. Wedding drama.

Her dress just fell completely to pieces...

like I'm assuming I'll do in the near future.

Whatever you need anything bridal,

go to Rosenfeld's in Brooklyn.

That's where I got my dress when I was broke and straight.

So you weren't always into women?

Of course I was.

Except those three years in Scientology.

Well, it looks like the three of us

are going to go dress shopping now.

Yeah. And you know, I got to go wash my hands

'cause they're covered in old lady DNA.

Well, that's that.

Shopping with Sophie is like when I worked

in a Thai massage parlor.

We are going down.

Not if we go before Sophie

and hide every ugly bridesmaid's dress that Sophie would like.

If she can't see them, she can't make us wear them.

How did you come up with that so fast?

It's the same plan I used in 2010

when I was a bridesmaid for Chelsea Clinton.

Bad dress and then her father followed me into the coat room.

Oh, wow.

Look at this place.

It reminds me of that movie.

- Bridesmaids? - No, Nightmare on Elm Street.

I don't know what you're worried about, Caroline.

I think they're all quite lovely.

Nash, please.

You're a poor person from Ireland.

I'll ask your opinion when I need to know where to go

to get free leg braces.

You were right, Max.

She can be a real "B" sometimes.

I'm sorry, but I don't even know why he's here.

Bonin' O'Brien here...

is gonna distract the sales lady

while we hide the ugly dresses.

Hello, ladies.

Same plan.

Who's the lucky bride?

Or should I say, who's the lucky cradle robber?

Don't mind me.

It's just my crazy sense of humor.

Oh, the ladies here love it.

The call me "Crazy Carl."

"Did you hear what Crazy Carl said?"

They just love it.

I'm Caroline.

This is Max and he isn't the groom.

No, no, no.

He's single and gay. Yes.

So gay, he got kicked out of One Direction.

Why don't you two walk off somewhere

and share poignant coming-out stories.

Go.

- But Max... - Oh, you heard the women, go.

Can do.

Ladies, look around, we'll be back...

in about a month.

Tahiti anyone?

I'm just Crazy Carl.

The ladies love it.

Bridesmaid's dresses should be called what they are.

Really expensive donations to Goodwill.

Is this one bad?

No. That's a Vera Wang.

But this is a very wrong.

Hide it.

Ew. And it's evil twin.

Oh, I didn't know Hazmat suits came with feathers.

Oh my God.

This the worst thing I've ever seen.

And I've seen a prostitute change her tampon

on the sidewalk.

Who are you calling a prostitute?

This, we've got to hide.