The Marriage Ref - First Season

Tonight on the Marriage Ref...

Martin short.

Hey!

You've got to be sensitive to your wife's needs.

And in my case,

Make sure your personal assistant fulfills them,

But that's me.

Sarah Silverman.

When you're in love,

You have to support each other's passions,

And she should support his love of lord of the rings.

He should support her love of diet pills

Or whatever her hobby is.

And Matthew Broderick.

Something about this whole thing is wrong.

One's fizzy, one's dizzy, one's busy,

And they all get mixed together tonight.

You bastard.

It's not a competition.

You're a sex maniac.

This has gotta stop.

He's not a boyfriend!

He's a friend that's a boy.

You look incredibly sexy right now.

Thank you.

Plus a surprise, one of the stars

Of late night comedy controversy.

Now here's the marriage ref, Tom Papa.

Welcome to The Marriage Ref, I'm Tom Papa.

Tonight we're gonna watch real couples

with real-life arguments,

And we're gonna give them the one thing

They've always wanted--

A winner.

So the way we do this is we watch each couple,

I discuss the issue with the panel,

They try and sway me

In favor of the husband or the wife,

And then I make the call.

All right, first up,

Let's traverse the thrilling nautical skyway

Of the Chesapeake Bay bridge-tunnel

On our way to Colonial Abingdon, Maryland,

Where we meet the Arringtons,

Who are trying to sort out a...

Scheduling conflict.

When I first met my wife, tee,

I was just really kind of captivated by her eyes,

And then I wound up asking her for a phone number.

It's like, I just knew,

I was like, "that's gonna be my man."

It's like you got energy

For everything else that's going on,

But you don't have any energy for me.

You a sex maniac.

I could be dead asleep.

"wake up. Mmm!

Got something for you."

I'm trying to get ready to get out of the house,

And you talkin' about you got something for me.

Babe, if I don't take those opportunities,

It's not happening.

I could be sick...

I mean, sick. No.

What is it like?

Like you're retired to, like, the barn,

You don't come out running with us anymore?

What is it?

It's like, why even try?

So I go down there and play video games

And play call of duty,

Because I'm not playing call of Booty.

All I'm looking for is some consistency.

But it seems like consistency--

- I was consistent with once a week.

That's four time a month!

Come on!

The bible, it says that,

"woman love your husband." love.

It didn't say "have sex with your husband

All the time, three, four, five times a week."

When was the last time

You bought me a purse or something?

That was when we were in Atlantic city.

But you got sex .

- Yeah! - Okay.

So in other words, we have to equate

Me buying you stuff with sex?

- Shopping--if you're bringing me gifts or something I enjoy,

Sex is what you enjoy.

Step up to the plate a couple of more times,

And, you know...

I think I step up to the plate.

Babe, if you was in baseball,

They would have you in the minors.

Wow!

Okay, the Arringtons.

The issue here is...

Well, I think we all know what the issue is.

Some people want things,

Some people have things,

Some people want things that other people have,

And some people just want you to get that thing

Away from them.

I think it's very dangerous,

Because you've got to make sure

That the bedroom activities, um,

Are an important part of the marriage,

And they've gotta get that equation going.

I don't know why I did that, but...

- It's the testicles. - Yeah.

'cause that's what it is.

But they gotta figure that out.

One time a week does not seem enough.

And, um...

I don't think it's enough. Right.

Thoughts, Sarah? I don't know, Tom.

It's a real quandary.

Yeah.

That hooked on phonics really worked for you, didn't it?

I think that sex is important.

If she's not feeling sexual...

Right.

There are other ways...

There are other ways...

She can help him in other ways,

Even if she isn't--

- You're losin' me. What do you mean?

Like, okay, give me an example.

She could give him a hand.

Wow!

Very elegant.

She mentions the bible at one point.

Uh, Natalie, what does the bible say

About marital relations?

Oh, lord.

The bible says...

"this at last is bone of my bone

"and flesh of my flesh.

"she shall be called 'woman, '

"and the man and his wife were both naked

And were not ashamed."

No wonder they keep one in every hotel room.

Okay.

There are some tools here that Therman has,

Which I don't think he's using.

I mean, there is a romance element to this.

You can't just sit there and ask for it.

I mean, look right here.

Halfway through that mini-bar,

He could start giving her handbags she already has.

Yeah.

"Uhh! Got somethin' for you."

What about the romance?

Don't you think a guy should be a little, well...

Little touches, a little something,

Rather than just, "hey, hey, hey."

It's nice to give, um,

You know, someone a gift like a purse,

But it shouldn't be like a payment.

Right.

That makes me crazy.

I don't like that with women.

This has gotta stop. Yeah.

- This, "buy me-- buy me something."

It's embarrassing.

Yeah.

Buy me something.

Buy me something. You're right.

It was like some sort of sex-for-handbag hostage swap.

Is that asking too much, Matthew?

Well, she might mean be more generous in some way.

True.

You know, it was not exactly,

"if you buy a handbag of this value,

I will perform the following one of two options."

right.

- It--I think it's more, you know,

"be romantic with me."

That would be the nice way to look at it,

And it's possible that's what she means.

She might--although, she might just mean,

"pay this amount and I'll give in."

But I must admit--

But it did sound a little like bartering, you know?

- It did. - "I got the purse,

You got some love-makin'."

You look incredibly sexy right now.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

But in her defense,

If his idea of romantic seduction

Is, "uhh! Got somethin' for you."

Right.

- That's what my fed-ex guy says to me.

And he comes more than once a week.

Line of the week! That's in the promo.

So what do you think, panelists?

Who do you think I call it for?

Marty?

Oh, I'd say you call it for the, um, husband,