Ill Behaviour

Just play it cool.

Don't tell her this is your first-ever internet date

or that you just got divorced.

This is actually my first-ever internet date. Just got divorced.

That's what friends are for.

It's making you do things against your will

that end with you having sex in a public toilet.

Joel told me about the cancer, and I am so sorry. It's fine, honestly.

He also told me about the 94% cure rate for chemo, which is great, huh?

I'm not going to have chemotherapy.

Hodgkin's is a good lymphoma to have.

Chemo will cure it. I'm going to live. No, you're not.

You're going to die.

We've got two choices - we sit back and watch Charlie die,

or we kidnap him and give him chemo until he's cured.

Oh, God! Give up! Give up! No!

We need training. We're not qualified to...

Who's this? Dr Cool?

I'm here to administer your medicine.

Are you sure about this? Bit late for that, isn't it? I meant Nadia.

What choice do we have?

She just seems like a massive fucking liability.

It's not the game. I'm being held against my will. I've got cancer.

They're injecting me with chemotherapy drugs.

'Are you sure you're not in the hospital?' I'm not in a fucking hospital...

I'm in a cellar somewhere off the A38. I need you to help me escape!

Oh, no, I'm on my own!

I figured you could use something to help you sleep.

Hey, you're really getting into the game. Yeah. Glad you're having fun.

I'm really enjoying writing my novel,

although I haven't read anything back yet in case it's actually shit.

This chemotherapy kidnap mission -

where is it? What level's it on? It sounds sick.

Yeah, yeah. I'm up for a chemo kidnap. Nice one!

Getting a little assistance from your regiment, are you?

Tess... No, no! No!

Give it to me! No! Give it to me! No!

I'm sorry to tell you, but your regiment doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Tess! Joel! Tess, this is fucked up.

Joel! I'm just trying to unfuck it up!

You know I'm right. Please! Please, just let me go! What? What is it?

Charlie tried to escape through Xbox Live Chat. What?

You said all the network settings were locked down!

I thought they were. Oh, great! Nice work, genius!

We need to get rid of the Xbox. It's the simplest solution.

But that's the centre of the entertainment hub!

How's Charlie going to entertain himself without the hub?

I've got an idea that might be the solution to all your problems -

untie me and let me go!

I'm disappointed in you. I'm very disappointed. We trusted you.

No, you didn't. You tied me up. I expected better. Why?

I never promised not to escape.

Well, you can forget about all these lovely superfoods we got you.

Just normal foods for you, young man. Please, just let me go!

I want to see my family. No, we are going to save your life.

You're not saving my life, you're killing me.

And not just my present, my future as well.

Cos you know I said that Kira and I were trying for another kid?

Well, chemo kills sperm! Oh! You think chemo kills everything!

You're such a wet blanket! Shall we take the berries away? No.

Yeah, I think we should take the berries away.

Don't take the berries away!

Guess what? Charlie's actually right, for once.

One of the side-effects of chemo is that it can kill your sperm.

You need to see this.

Charlie hasn't been seen

since he left his Bristol address at 3.15pm on Saturday,

5th of November... Nothing about you driving off with him. That's good.

I'm now going to hand you over to Charlie's wife, Kira,

who has a statement that she would like to read.

Charlie, Megan, Phoebe and I miss you so much.

Why am I watching this? We knew this was going to happen.

This is not a shocking turn of events.

And if you want some time to yourself, that's OK,

but please just let us know that you're all right.

I get the idea.

It gets worse. Some hack got a hold of Charlie's medical records.

That's not worse. That's great. Why the hell is that great?

Because the police aren't going to hunt high

and low for a suicide, are they?

Once the panic dies down, we should be in the clear. Great! Suicide dad.

Everybody's favourite kind of dad. It's an exciting mystery!

Is Daddy hanging from a tree somewhere?

Or is he at the bottom of a quarry in a crushed-up Mazda?

Look, all we have to do is hold our nerve.

No-one knows where Charlie is and no-one knows where we are, so relax.

Fine, I'll relax. A nice relaxing kidnapping!

We're going to prison and Charlie and Kira are going to hate us forever.

Not when we bring him back in three months' time

with a boxfresh lymphatic system!

They'll probably give us a medal.

Look, the most important thing is that we keep our cover intact.

I know. I've been putting a few granite blocks in our castle walls.

Fake geo-tagged myself.

"Travelling the world, writing my book. So long, suckers!"

Outer Hebrides nice! It's my last post for a while.

I'm going to keep my head down, but you need to go public -

see the police, talk to Kira.

It'll be too suspicious if we both disappear.

OK, fine, I'll go and see her. No, don't go and see her!

That's the last thing you should do! Just call her. It'll be much easier

to act shocked and upset over the phone.

So I've got to be shocked and upset,

but not so shocked and upset that I'd actually bother to visit?

Exactly. And be careful about Nadia. What about Nadia?

Just the fact that she's obviously a massive bag of screaming trouble,

and you're bonking her. We've bonked twice.

Well, it was more than twice, actually, but only on two actual occasions.

I'm pleased you're thinking about somebody other than Steph,

but don't kid yourself to Nadia, you're just the easiest

available man meat because she forgot to pack her vibrator.

I've stopped throwing up. Hm, so the Ondansetron did the trick.

Yay, medicine!

I feel terrible, exhausted, like I don't want to move, ever.

Of course you do, you're having chemo, idiot!

You can't make a cancer cure omelette without breaking

a few Charlie eggs. Oh, that's reassuring. Thanks, Doc.

All right, look. I'm not going to bullshit you.

What we're doing to your body - it's brutal.

We're frying the fuck out of you.

The cancer's in your lymphatic system, so pretty much

all of you is cancerous, so we've got to bleach it out.

We basically kill you every two weeks

and then hope that your body fights back. That sounds fun and relaxing.

Word to the wise - the best anti-nausea cure,

good old-fashioned Mary Jane.

No, haven't taken a drink or a drug in ten years.

I'm not about to start now. Fine, do it the hard way.

Can I at least go outside?

You could chain me to a stake like a pit bull.

Forget about going outside.

Your UV tolerance is shot to shit.

Just think of yourself as Count Dracula

chilling in your castle basement. Then I want an organic diet.

I want no meat, no dairy.

It's going to be boring enough being trapped down here for months.

You really want to make it that much worse?

Look, I've done this before, you haven't.

So my professional advice is to eat what you want

and drink what you want and take as many drugs as you want, let your

body get very slowly better so we can all get the fuck out of here.

I want to help my body heal itself. I want to take a holistic approach.

God! You're not on a "cancer journey", are you?

We're all on a journey, just some of us are going

forward and some of us are going in reverse.

So you were away when Charlie went missing?

Yeah, I'd just got divorced, thought I'd take some time for myself -

road trip, camping.

Fucking love the outdoors.

So the last time you saw Charlie was in this cafe with Tess Dyson?

Mm, that's right. Did he seem agitated, depressed? Not really.

Charlie's all about the power of positive thinking.

So no signs of suicidal feelings at all?

Maybe once. In his eyes, I saw something. What do you mean?

It was quite a long time ago, but we were walking over this bridge

and he looked over, and I think he was thinking about it.

You know, jumping. You get to know a person after 20 years. I mean...

it was just a look.

And I wouldn't say any of this to Kira, but if we do find out

he's killed himself God forbid - I wouldn't be completely shocked.

Which bridge? What? Which bridge were you walking over?

It was... It was Tower Bridge.

Tess Dyson resigned from her job

and disappeared a few days before Charlie went missing.

Do you know where she is? No. No idea.

Do you think that Charlie and Tess might have been having an affair?

Um... Not as far as I know.

This is funny to you? No. Oh, no, no, no.

Um... Sorry. It's just...Charlie and Tess...

is a bit funny. But not really. Sorry.

Eat up your peas, Phoebe. I want to save them for Daddy.

Why don't you make a small plate of peas and we can keep them

in the fridge until Daddy gets back, which I'm sure will be very soon?

Hi, Joel. I just heard. I'm so sorry.

You must be going out of your mind. Yeah, it's been hard, really hard.

It's just so... He was getting better, you know? Er, yeah.

So why would he just run off?

I have no idea, but I'm absolutely sure that there is an explanation

that will make everything all right.

Joel, why are you parked outside? Oh...

Well, I didn't want to bother you. Come inside, you maniac!

Yeah, I'd love to. I mean, I really...

I've double-checked.

Charlie's right we need to take a sperm sample to freeze now

before the chemo does any lasting damage.

Do you see what you're doing to me? It's a side-effect.

The chemo doesn't mean to do it.

He's right it's worth taking out a white and sticky insurance policy.

If you need porn, just shout. That's what mates are for.

I'm not fucking doing it!

At the end of the day, it's up to him.

Why is one thing up to him and not another?

What are we supposed to do? Take a sperm sample by force?

That's an option.

Rather you than me.

OK. Fine.

Fuck it, no NHS rules and regs, no litigation.

This is an essential and appropriate medical procedure

and I'm actioning it. Sorry. What are you saying?

I'm saying if he doesn't want to give,