The Goldbergs

Ah, the last week of school.

It's a truly magical feeling of impending freedom

as the entire student body unites in not giving a crap.

Even the teachers were checked out.

All right, stop your stretching.

We're gonna watch the movie "Bloodsport".

Not that I'm complaining,

but isn't that, like, wildly inappropriate

and has nothing to do with gym class?

"Sports" are in the title. Leave me alone.

I got nothing left to give you kids!

You did this to me!

But for all us eighth graders,

the last week of school meant one thing.

All right, boys and girls, today begins Freshman Fear Week.

This is when upperclassmen

hunt down terrified incoming ninth graders

and throw them in the showers.

- Did he say "hunt"? - Balls!

No! I made it through middle school

without using those showers!

Back in the '80s,

school policy on cruel hazing traditions...

Oh, yeah. Tended to be a tad more lax.

I swear, one day, they'll realize

this whole practice is completely barbaric.

You will never live to see that day!

But... you're my brother. You're supposed to protect me.

Opposite!

I've been training for this my whole life.

Every headlock, noogie, and wet willy

has led to this moment.

There has to be a way out of this.

There is, but it's not pretty.

Mama! Barry's gonna hurt me!

I'm here, Schmoo.

He's gonna hunt me down

and throw me into the gross gym showers!

- No! - Yes!

No!

And then he's gonna rip my shoes off

and make me touch the floor without flip-flops!

You're not athletic enough to get athlete's foot!

Help me! I'm just a boy!

I got you, baby.

Oh, God! No, I don't.

It was June 2, 1980-something,

the end of the school year...

A moment that would live in time forever.

Hey, guys.

Still looking for contributions for the time capsule.

So far, we've got one Hall & Oates poster,

put in by me.

I'm gonna put in a naked picture of myself

so I can look back and say, "Yeah, Naked Rob had it."

I'm gonna put myself in there.

Boom! Livin' in the future.

Dude, it's a time capsule, not a time machine.

Right?

You're funny

and have trouble making eye contact with girls.

I like it.

All except for the haircut and the posture, but I can fix that.

Thanks, I think? Hey, Erica!

Oh!

You want to sign my yearbook?

I saved you precious real estate right next to my face.

Fine.

Yeah, you know, if you need some more time with it,

you could just give it back to me.

Okay, you're done. "Have a summer."

Did you mean, like, "good summer" or...

Or "bitchin' summer" or... Or "sexy summer"?

Just "summer".

Do you think she meant it like "Have a summer"

or "Have a summer"?

Dude, you got to let this go.

- Yeah, don't be such a Duckie. - Such a what?

Duckie, the twerpy, lovesick best friend

who never gets Molly Ringwald.

That's you, bro.

Pbht! Please!

If I'm anyone from "Pretty in Pink",

it's feather-haired bad boy James Spader.

- That is delusional. - Get to know yourself, bro.

Geoffrey, Andrew, Robert, I need to speak to my child.

She's using our proper first names.

- Move it. - It's scary 'cause she said "Andrew."

- What?! - I didn't even do anything!

Adam says you're gonna haze and humiliate him at school?

Oh, that. Yeah, that's happening.

- Like heck it is! - You lay one finger on my baby...

You mean the pubescent monster standing next to you?

Take a look at him, Ma. He's all grown up now.

That is not... the, uh...

No, that's not...

Is this true?

No! Look at me!

Actually, don't.

Uh, close your eyes and imagine me from last year.

Oh, my God!

He's right. My baby is going to high school.

No! Stop reeling at the passage of time!

Protect me!

Your voice!

I'm just now hearing it for the first time.

It's like the last gasp of an old helium balloon.

No.

Oh, yes.

I just broke Mom's spirit, so now I can shower you.

Get ready, bro.

Shhhhhhhhhhh.

Why are you shushing me?

That's not a shush. That's a shower sound.

What are you talking about? This is a shower sound.

Kwwwwwwwhhhhh!

That's the ocean, bro. A shower sounds like this.

Shhhhhh!

You're making a fool out of yourself!

Listen to me. Listen.

- Kwwwwaaahhhhhhh! - Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Kwwwwaaahhhhhhh! - Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Kwwwwaaahhhhhhh! - Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh.

- Hi. - Hello.

Don't mind me. I'm just having some Bev time.

Do you mind closing the door, please?

Mur? Your wife is sitting in the broom closet,

sniffing a baby blanket.

That's her thing.

She sits in there and sniffs them to remind her

of when our children were babies and not the worst.

And that doesn't bother you?

What do I know? I'm just the husband.

Fine.

That's good blankie.

Bevy, I know it's hard with Adam going into high school,

but you can't hide here in the closet forever.

You're right.

Just... Just take this thing

and put it where I can never find it.

It's time to let go.

- It doesn't appear like you are. - I'm letting go.

I shouldn't have to struggle like this.

Set me free.

Al! Will you help me?!

She's got superhuman strength!

Take it! I'm handing it over.

She's got the forearms of a tennis pro.

Take the blankie.

Put your back into it.

Cure me of my sickness.

As my mom was losing her safety blanket,

my friends and I were living in danger.

Are you okay, Taz?

No, man! I'm so wet, I'm so cold.

They didn't even give me a towel.

If they can throw Taz Money in the showers,

there's no hope for us!

We just have to come up with a plan before the bell rings.

It's too late!

Shhh! Shhh!

Why is he shushing us?

No matter what happens, we go down together.

For sure.

No!

Take him, not me!

It was every man for himself.

We tried to escape,

but that day, we faced the greatest shower ambush

the eighth grade had ever seen!

No! Wait! No showers!

My turtlenecks shrink when they get we-e-t!

Those next 10 seconds lasted an eternity

as my friends were picked off one by one.

They even got Taz Money... again!

No!

Next thing I knew,

I was facing off against my destiny.

Maybe it was panic. Maybe it was nerd rage.

Maybe it was the fact

that my brother had been kicking my butt my whole life.

Aaaaaaah! But right then,

I said, "No more".

What the

Nice one, Goldfarb. Walk it off, Goldberg.

Ow. Ah...

What did I just do?

You just became hot, freshman.

That was badass.

In that one moment, I had done the impossible!

I became awesome!

Meanwhile, the school time capsule was a complete dud.

Seriously? This is why I had a sign-up sheet!

Why do I even bother?

New Kids on the B., huh?

You know, my Nana says that I look like handsome renegade Donnie Wahlberg.

Oh, your Nana is so sweet... but... wrong.

If you're any Donnie, you're Donny Osmond.

Clean and non-threatening.