10 Things We Should Do Before We Break Up

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Hi Mommy.

Hi Mom.

Hold on, we've got a poor connection.

I know, us too.

Okay, we're good now.

Okay, good.

Wanna see a spaceship I built?

This is where they fly the ship.

Uh-huh.

This is where they sleep,

and this is where they go during meteor showers.

Oh wow, that's so cool!

Can you bring it to school so I can

see it when I pick you up tomorrow?

Sure, great.

Wallace, when was the last time

you brushed that hair?

This morning.

Did you brush your teeth this morning too?

Yes.

Oh Wallace, don't hit your brother.

- Come on. - I didn't, he hit me.

- Did not! - Okay.

You guys.

Do you wanna see what I made?

You have such great new ones there.

Thanks, which ones do you like?

I can bring them to your house.

I meant our house.

Can I speak to your Dad real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Dad!

- Hi. - What's going on?

Hi, how are ya?

Hi, good.

Tim, you forgot his guitar.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only

one on top of these things.

- Sorry Abigail, I spaced. - Okay great.

- It won't happen again. - So it won't be a problem?

No problem.

- Okay. - Okay, listen.

Luke and Wally it's your bath time.

Say goodbye to your Mama...

No!

Say goodbye!

It's your bath time!

So I'll see you guys tomorrow at pick up right?

Okay.

Love you Wallace, love you Luke.

Love you Mom!

- Bye! - Love you!

Hi, Benjamin.

Hi.

So we have a lot in common.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

So do you really like to cuddle?

Excuse me?

'Cause I do.

I mean I actually do like to cuddle,

but I think then some people just say that

'cause they wanna seem cuddlier.

I mean, a lot of people really don't like cuddling.

It's like a morbid fear of physical contact and intimacy.

In general, they just try to destroy it

like it's a wave that breaks apart before it crests.

So you surf?

Yeah.

And I'm only ever truly at peace in the water.

Oh.

I'm kidding, I'm completely kidding.

I'm not a surfer, no.

I've been a couple times, pretty fun.

Yeah well, fun is overrated.

It's so overrated.

It kinda does beat staying at home and weeping though.

You should try it sometime.

Fun?

No, no, surfing.

Oh.

Yeah, maybe I will.

Gosh, I'm a little thrown.

I'm sorry, you're a lot more beautiful than the...

Okay, wait.

This is you, right?

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

I'm sorry.

I'm Abigail.

- Very nice to meet you. - Hi.

Benjamin.

- Benjamin, that's right. - Right.

Yeah, my.

That's,

oh that's a long story.

- It's not, my friend did that. - You didn't.

- Yeah. - I see.

Well is it okay if I get a drink?

- Yes, please do. - With you?

- Please get a drink. - That's all right?

Yes, and let's start over.

And then you can fight things like fracking.

Yeah, I love to fight a fracker.

Right?

Shit.

Shit!

Oh no.

What?

I know how this is gonna end already.

Oh.

- Yeah. - Really?

It's gonna end badly.

It's gonna end tragically.

Yeah.

It's really sad.

That is sad.

I know, it's unavoidable.

I mean, it's gonna start out so sweet.

Like unbelievably sweet love of your life sweet,

for a while, and then stress from outside forces

we can't predict is gonna get the better of us.

And then we'll just slowly devolve

and then suddenly into this shock

and awe style of war of attrition.

And then just before we've completely destroyed each other,

there's gonna be this brief rest bit of

calm, pure, perfect love.

Then, something from the past

that was set in motion a long time ago,

some like minor but irreversible mistake

is gonna get the better of us

and then there's not gonna be any turning back,

and we'll just devolve into this horrible like,

one more night please, kind of sex.

Eventually we'll just get exhausted by all the drama.

But then, I think in spite of ourselves

we become really really close friends

and then of course one of us dies

before we tie the knot.

I just assumed one of us would sleep with someone else

and ruin the whole thing.

You mean me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Look, we need to.

I know what we need to do.

- What? - We gotta take precautions.

- Precautions? - Yeah.

Precautions.

10 things.

10 things we should do before we break up.

So if it's doomed, why even bother?

Well, it doesn't have to be doomed,

this just all depends on how you feel about it.

Number one.

Okay, get to at least second base in a taxi

while crossing a bridge.

What are you, 12?

I was testing the waters, okay...

Okay, number two, read the Sunday Times

in bed cover to cover.

Cover to cover.

Okay, just the travel section.

We can pick places we wanna go,

and plan trips and never go on them.

Okay, well then number three, this is for you.

Learn to surf.

Number four, walk on a deserted beach.

I think that's a little bit obvious.

What if we like make out in an empty swimming pool.

Or actually could we ride on

all the elevated trains in Brooklyn?

That's oddly specific.

Yeah, it's sort of a buried memory.

It's the last thing me and my Dad ever did together.

Oh, that's sad.

Okay, let's move on, number five.

Scream at each other.

Number six, hold each other and cry.

Oh! No!

We're breaking up now!

We gotta hurry up!

Number seven, kiss and make up.

And I think we should do like kissing

for 10 solid minutes.

Okay, number eight,

get married and have a child.

Oh, oh, a child?

Yeah, it...

What if I don't wanna have kids?

Well then that would be a deal breaker for me.

Come on, kids are creepy.

Kids are creepy?

Yeah, you know,

they're like intense.

Okay, okay, number nine, nine, say I'm sorry.