Siblings

Hello Nana.

Hurry up, I don't want to be late for partay.

Why the hell is Dad throwing himself a birthday party anyway?

He never makes a big deal about birthdays.

Uh, because they're awesome.

He's been acting really weird lately.

We went for lunch a few weeks ago

and he was way more chilled out than normal.

He even smiled a couple of times.

What, you and Dad had lunch? Whenever I ask to hang out with him he's always like,

"Of course I don't want to play Frisbee in the middle of the afternoon."

But dads always have a special bond with their oldest kids.

It's thanks to me that he knows he's got healthy sperm.

Well, I think I'll be jumping to the top of the favourite kid list

when he gets a load of my present.

It even plays a personalised message.

'Happy birthday, Dad. I hope you have a...'

- BANGING - 'Fuck. Shit. Oh, shit!'

I spilt some soup on it when I was recording the message

and I can't figure out how to delete it.

I think my status as favourite kid is safe for now.

Now come on.

Help me find some junk in here that I can pass off as a thoughtful gift.

I'm not taking business calls, I'm trying to enjoy my fucking birthday.

- Hey, Dad. - Hi, how are you two? How's work? - Good.

I've managed to get around the internet filter at my office,

so I can watch clips with full frontal in them at my desk.

And what about you, Dan?

Are you still spending your days trying to...

What was it, invent a new egg?

No, it was a new way of cooking eggs instead of frying or poaching.

But after I got salmonella for the fourth time, I just sort of gave up.

That's my boy.

Hey, I got you a present.

Superglue?

Yes, because you are the glue in our lives.

And you are super at it.

That's great, I'll pop it next to the triple-A batteries you got me for my 50th.

Don't worry, Dad. My present is a lot less shitty than Hannah's.

It's a bespoke, stuffed bear.

- Complete with a personalised... - PHONE RINGS

How many times do I have to say, I am busy?

Seriously, I am this close to getting the words,

"Leave me the fuck alone" embroidered on a pillow

and coming round there and smothering you with it!

See what I mean? He is definitely more chilled out than usual.

Whoa, there's like two pigs' worth of cocktail sausages here.

Dad's really gone all out with this soiree.

Yeah, and look how many of Dad's friends and family are here.

He hates his friends and family.

I don't like this. Something's up.

God, you're really suspicious.

Seriously, you look like a chimp that's just been given a snow globe.

CLINKING OF GLASS

Excuse me, everyone. If I could have your attention, please.

I don't want to break up the festivities,

but there are a couple of people I'd like you to meet. Beverley, Lily.

Now, Beverley and I met five months ago.

I was on my way to Clacton to do some business,

so as you can imagine I was on the verge of self-harming.

LAUGHTER

Fortunately, I was sat next to this angel, and...

Well, three hours later I was smitten.

And last week when I asked her to marry me...

Ooh!

She said yes.

Lucky bastard!

Dan, why are you laughing? Did you hear what Dad just said?

Yeah, he's getting married.

Exactly. This is massive news and he just casually springs it on us

like he's saying he needs to go pee or something.

I don't care, I'm happy for him.

I hope my second wife is that hot.

Dad, could I have a word?

Here we go.

All right. Come on, let's hear it, Hannah.

No, no, no. I just...

I just want to say congratulations on your engagement.

Really?

I also wondered if you were planning

on dropping any other bombshells today?

You're moving to Burundi? You got me and Dan from an orphanage?

This house is actually made of fucking naan bread?

OK, maybe a wee bit dramatic.

Dad, who is this woman?

How do we know she doesn't go looking for sad old men

that she can marry and turn into a pair of gloves?

And she's got a kid as well?

Do you really want to get mixed up with some loose, single mother?

Well, firstly, Beverley is a human rights lawyer.

And secondly, you do have a slightly annoying habit of ruining shit.

God, I'm so offended.

Basically, Beverley's the first good thing to happen to me

since Mad Cow Disease ended and I was able to eat red meat again.

I didn't want anything, or anyone, harpooning it.

Lily, right? I'm Dan.

Gregg's my dad.

So I guess he's your dad now too.

I guess so.

Well, I just wanted say that I'm really excited about

getting to do all the cool big bro stuff.

Like giving advice, recommending music,

hooking you up with the old...

Also, I wanted to give you this.

I got it for my dad, but I think you should have it.

- Thank you. - No problem.

'Happy birthday, Dad. I hope you have a...'

- BANGING - 'Fuck. Shit. Oh, shit!'

Enjoy.

Hi, Beverley.

Hey, I'm Hannah, Gregg's daughter.

Oh, yes. Hi, nice to finally meet you.

Listen, I don't know what my dad has said about me to you,

but I just wanted to say that I'm really happy for you guys.

Thanks, Hannah.

And, sorry about all this secrecy, but your dad insisted.

He can be pretty stubborn.

Oh, yeah. He's just a dick sometimes.

Look at us connecting like this. God, it's exhilarating, isn't it?

Hey, what do you say we try and kick this bonding sesh into overdrive?

I'm going to go grab us a plate of cocktail sausages

and you're telling me everything.

Daddio! Great news!

You made any plans for the stag do yet?

I could score us a Groupon to Euro Disney.

- Thanks, son, but we haven't even set a date yet. - Really?

Yeah, well, Beverley's got a fuckload of cases,

and I am swimming through a sewer of work shit.

I tell you, running your own company's like being shafted

with a dildo made of migraines.

God, I'm not looking forward to that when I take over.

What are you talking about?

You know, when you...

and I inherit the company. I mean, it is a family business.

It's not a family business. It's my business.

You're not taking over shit.

But I assumed I'd get it eventually.

You're the Queen, I'm Prince Charles -

hanging back, growing veg, waiting for you to pop it.

Dan, do you even know what my company does?

Yeah, you make phone boxes.

- I develop property. - Really?

Look, Dan, no offence, but I'm more likely to hand off

my company to one of my Boxing Day dumps.

Dad, that's not fair!

Come on, I'm your son.

Shouldn't I at least get a chance to, like, prove myself?

- HE SIGHS - All right, how about this?

Come and work with me for a week, and we'll see

if my company's still standing at the end of that.

Right, and then I get to run it?

Absolutely not. But maybe I can find a job for you somewhere.

- Sweet. - You've got to take this seriously.

I want you in the office first thing Monday.

Sure thing.

And just to check, there's absolutely no chance

that first thing means 12.30, one-ish, is there?

So right now, we're defending this Congolese drum band who have

been jailed for their anti-government songs.

I mean, the music's unlistenable but the message is so powerful.

Wow. Of all the women my dad's gone out with,

you are definitely the most impressive.

I mean, his last girlfriend worked the night shift at a 24-hour tanning salon.

Well, I love what I do. Although it can be tough juggling things.

Like, Lily's nanny's off next week. I still haven't found any cover and I've got a...

Uh, yes, you have, because you're looking at your cover right now.

Just call me the human tarpaulin.

Really? I can't ask you to do that.

Beverley, I insist.

I mean, that's what family's for, right?

Oh, thank you. You are a life-saver!

All right, Beverley, I see you've met Hannah.

She hasn't drawn blood yet, has she?

No, we've had a lovely chat, actually.

She's offered to help look after Lily next week.

- Why? What are you up to, Hannah? - Nothing.

I'm just being the nice, generous person I always am.

You know, the kind of person who doesn't ruin shit.

Beverley, I know we just met but is it cool if I start calling you Mum?

Sorry I'm late, Dad. I had to stop off and buy this briefcase.

Well, you're here now.

I guess that's a minor victory in itself.

So what's the deal?

Are we sharing this office or am I going to get my own?

Because I'm cool with sharing.

You're not getting a fucking office.

I thought I might send you out with the construction lads.

What? But I thought you were grooming me to take over?

Dan, when I started this company, I was the same age that you are now.

And I did it myself,

through hard graft and fistfuls of anti-depressants.

The whole point of this week is for you to prove that

you've an ounce of work ethic about you.

Trust me. You can't just sit around

and expect good things to be handed to you.

- KNOCK ON DOOR - Here's the hot cocoa you asked for.

- Hi, Hannah. - Sorry I'm late.

I didn't want to have to make small talk with the other parents, you know?

- How was school? - It was good. Did you bring any snacks?

My nanny normally brings a bag of carrot sticks.