The Big Bang Theory

Okay, now holding sides of hearth in position,

lower mantelpiece assembly

onto top tabs.

Look at that, I built a fireplace with my own two hands.

You're so butch.

Aw, I got a little paper cut.

Of course you did.

Your hands are softer than veal.

Oh, before I forget, Saturday I'm planning a little

Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.

Really? That's how you're gonna spend your Saturday night?

Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.

Oh, you poor thing.

Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you

getting in the way of your board games?

Little bit, yeah.

Oh, great! I've always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons.

Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.

I should've mentioned this earlier.

You're not invited.

Why not? Amy,

from time to time, we men need to break free

from the shackles of civility and get in touch

with our primal animalistic selves.

By rolling dice and playing make-believe

with little figurines?

Yeah, like a bunch of savages.

Saturday night?

But I've been working late all week.

That was gonna be our night.

But I have to go.

We play as a group.

If-if I'm not there, then everyone will blame you.

They'll be all, "Bernadette ruined everything.

She's the worst."

So, you see? (chuckles)

I have to play Dungeons and Dragons...

for the marriage.

You're an idiot.

I'm your idiot.

Forever.

So, listen, I know we talked about getting a bite to eat

in Silver Lake, and then seeing the Christmas lights

in Griffith Park, but Leonard's talking about

a big D and D game at his place.

Saturday night just went from crazy to epic!

Woo-hoo!

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

All right, Sheldon, to start our quest,

you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.

A Christmas gift?

You know I don't enjoy Christmas.

What's wrong with Christmas?

Oh, where to begin?

Trees indoors.

Overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas."

And the absurd custom of one stocking.

Everyone knows socks belong in pas.

Who uses one sock?

Pirate with a peg leg?

Actually that helps, thank you.

Would you just look inside?

Oh, a scroll.

I like scrolls.

They're my third

favorite system of transmitting

the written word.

After stone tablets and skywriting.

"You have all been summoned to join

"a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure.

"Your quest begins

"in a secret northern village of elves

who have all been massacred."

I like where this is heading.

"Your task

is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres."

Oh, that's a saucy twist.

"That leader's name:

Santa Claus""

No, no, no!

It's actually, "Ho, ho, ho,"

but you'll get the hang of it.

Thought it'd be fun to make

a quest with a holiday theme.

Fun?

Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is

like making a sandwich of grape jelly,

the best-tasting jelly,

and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.

Okay, here we go.

"You find yourselves

"in the smoking remains of Santa's village.

Clearly, a great battle has taken place."

Oh, man, the first monster I see,

I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand,

and shoot my magic all over his ass.

Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Okay,

there are ogre tracks and a trail

of broken candy canes in the snow.

Sheldon, what do you do?

I signal my contempt for your cruel plan

to shove Christmas joy down my throat

by making a gesture that says, "Get a load of this guy."

Fine. Howard, what do you do?

I follow the ogre tracks, checking for secret doors

along the way.

And you discover a secret door leading to a dark corridor.

Okay, guys, let's make a plan: spell casters in the back,

warriors in the front...

No, screw that noise, I'm going in.

Hang on, Santa, I'm coming for you!

Okay, you run into a room full of weapons,

hit a trip wire...

...a cannon blows your face off, you die, you're out of the game.

But... a canon?

Am I really out of the game?

Lucky.

Okay, come on, moving on.

Wait, doesn't anyone have a roof resurrection?

Because if you've got one, I need it bad.

Get in here with your rod and give it to me.

Okay, you need to say these things

in your head before you say them out loud.

Hey, guys.

I don't mean to interrupt your little game,

but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on.

So...

Bernadette?

Bernadette's wearing leopard-print pumps

and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21.

And there's Amy,

showing all kinds of ankle.

In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.

And I, myself...

...am wearing a little number that got me

out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.

I know they're making a rhetorical point,

I just don't know what it is.

See you, boys. We are going drinking.

Uh, wait, can I come with you?

My character died.

Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.

Maybe another time.

Okay...

Come on.

Ooh!

Girls' night, girls' night!

How does he not hear that?

So, what's the plan?

Are we gonna teach our fellas a lesson

by getting stinking drunk, luring strange men

into the bathroom, and turning the toilet stall

into a temple of the senses?

No! No!

Geez, who's Forever 63 now?

Can we get another bottle of champagne for the table?

Don't worry.

It's my treat.

Thanks. Wow!

You should come to girls' night more often.

And not just because if you weren't here,

this would be a can of Pabst.

My pleasure; nothing makes me happier

than the chance to spoil a lady.

Just ask my dog.

My vet says if I give her any more foie gras,

she's going to die of gout.

Hey, let's help Raj meet a girl tonight.

No, no, no, I'm fine. Okay, wait, are we talking

one-night stand or do we want to get him into a relationship?

Let's get him laid!

Stop it. You're ruining girls' night.

Raj, you're a great guy,

you're in a bar full of single women; let us help you.

Yeah, you're a real catch.

I know you're shy, but that doesn't mean

you shouldn't have someone wonderful in your life.

That's sweet of you.

But what can you do to help?

We'll nose around,

see if we can find a nice girl, and then introduce you.

Okay.

Well, a couple of things.

Don't tell them I come from money.

I want them to love me for me.

They must be insanely hot.

Like, nines or tens.

Nines or tens?

Okay, an eight is acceptable

if she's willing to bring another eight to the hot tub.

Bottom line: you'll take

any woman who'll have you, right?

In a New Delhi minute.

I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store.

Oh, uh, yeah.

I got 'em on Amazon.

Sure. I get it.

Why support a friend

when you can support a multinational conglomerate