Friday Night Dinner

For someone who doesn't stop

going on about Formula One, you're surprisingly shit at driving.

Ha-ha!

Seriously, like no control of the vehicle.

No control of the vehicle?

Why does it keep doing that?

No control of the vehicle.

Well, you can drive next time!

Fine, and you can learn from the master.

Master knob face.

Why's the door open?

Um...

Ooh, hello!

Er, hi, Jim...

Jonny!

I'm Adam.

I'm Jonny.

Oh, yes.

Who are you?

Hmm?

Nothing.

Good boy, good boy, Wilson.

Bye.

Night.

Wilson!

That wasn't strange!

Hi, Mum.

Hi, boys.

What are you doing in the garage?

We're having a clearout.

Don't you mean what's Jim doing in our loo?

Martin, you do know the boys are here? Say hello.

What? Oh, hello, bambinos.

No top tonight?

He's boiling.

I'm boiling.

And Jim's using our toilet because..?

Oh, his is broken.

Broken?

He broke it... No, there!

He broke his own toilet? How did he do that?

Use a bucket?

This as well?

Yes, all of them, and then you're doing the sofabed.

Your mother wants me to chuck away all my old copies of New Scientist magazine, can you believe it?

Yes?

Thank you, Adam!

What do you mean, yes?

You don't even read them, why do you keep all this crap?

It's not crap! I wish you'd stop calling it crap.

They're collectibles.

Are they?

Boys, look, this one is from 1969 and

there's a poster of Isaac Newton.

Now he was a genius.

Sorry, I'm not discussing Isaac Newton again. Tomorrow morning,

you are taking them all to the dump. Impossible!

Newton.

Crap. Crap.

OK, done the potatoes, overcooked the bloody meat.

Oh! Oh, er, Martin, did you do the, er, sofabed?

What? No, I'll do it later.

Oh, well, I wanted it ready.

The man's not coming till tomorrow.

What man?

Oh, the sofabed man.

Martin, can you not eat out of the bin, I've told you!

Dad!

Oh, vegetables. Shit, what's the time?

Er, 20 past.

Right, out of the way please!

Your mum is very excited.

About what? It's the final of Masterchef.

It's the final of Masterchef.

Oh, there is such a smashing Greek bloke in the final.

Really?

Me and Val love him. Oh, he's got such a terrific bum!

Mum! She's not talking about that Greek fella's arse again, is she?

So exciting! You'll watch Masterchef with me, won't you?

What? No!

Please?

No! No way!

What do you mean no way? It's the final!

Of people cooking. And then eating.

Oh, please, for me?

I only see you once a week.

No!

Martin, speak to the boys!

What about?

Masterchef.

Oh, Masterchef. Um, well, it's a cookery programme

on BBC, it's like a big competition.

Not generally, tell them!

Hmm? About them watching it!

Oh, right. Your mum wants you to watch it.

We know. Will you?

No! I tried.

I wish I'd had girls.

Ooh, excuse me.

Come on, pigs.

Adam? Here...

What? Quickly.

Really?

Yes, really!

Aren't you freezing?

Now, Adam, I need to speak to you.

This better not be about what I think it's going to be about.

What? You know.

No? What you always talk to me about?

The economy?

No, the F word.

Females?

Yes, females.

Oh. Well, is it?

No no, it's, um... Well, don't tell my wife but, er...

Your wife? Sorry, your mother.

Look, I ordered some things off the internet and I had

to get them sent round to your place.

What? Why?

50 back copies of New Scientist magazine? Jesus, you're buying more?

Shh! They're all from 1965, I'm missing that year, it's the set.

Why are you buying more when you're taking the rest to the dump?

If I take the rest to the dump!

What? Hmm?

Dad, you do know Mum will go mental?

Why are you both outside?

Sorry?

Your soup's just sitting there. What's that?

Nothing. Er, it's nothing, Jackie, just, um...

Females.

Oh, females. Well, hurry up, will you? Aren't you freezing?

I told you, I'm boiling!

Oh.

So you'll look after the stuff for me?

All right, God!

So are there any?

What, females?

Yes!

No!

My son the monk!

Well!

You know what, Jackie? What?

This is a lovely bit of squirrel!

I'll get it!

Sit down! It'll only be Val about Masterchef.

Johnny?

What?

Listen, you know those, er, boxes I'm taking to the dump?

Full of all that old crap?

It's not crap!

I need you to take them later and put them in your car.

Why do I have to take them to the dump, why can't Pusface?

Because Pusface here has already been given a job.

Shut up, Adam! Jonny, all I want you to do is take them

home and look after them for me.

And you're buying more? Jesus, Dad!

Shhh!

She is so funny!

Mmm, lovely bread, Jackie, did you make it?

What? I've never made bread in my life!

OK, what's going...

How's Aunty Val?

What? Oh, she is so excited!

Mastershit?

Charming. Is Alison a good cook?

Alison?

You know? Your pretend girlfriend?

Ha ha! Um, I dunno, really.

What do you mean you don't know?

He doesn't know because she doesn't exist.

Just because I've got a girlfriend!

Who has another boyfriend...

Simon is not her boyfriend! Oh, no, sorry. He's just a guy who sleeps on top of her.

Who you talking about?

Alison.

Alan Davidson?

Amazing.

Mum, don't you think Adam should ask Tanya Green out for a date?

Oh, very good.

She's meant to be a lovely girl. Sorry, female.

She is a lovely girl. Oh, she was a beautiful baby.

You want me to go out with a baby?

Oh, don't be so stupid.

No, it would be lovely, actually. A nice romantic date, all arranged

by my Mum, the paedophile.

Who's a paedophile? Mum is. Oh.

I'll get it! I'll get it!

I wonder who that could be?

Ah, um...

Adam.

Yes, of course.

Right, well, I've just come to, um...

Yep...

Wilson, you stay!

Oh.

Ooh, something smells nice!

Right, Wilson..

So I'm basically a lavatory attendant.

What could I do? Oh, maybe I should offer him some crumble?

What? No way! Crumble? No, Jackie!