Preacher

Something is coming.

War!

- Oh, yes. - Right and wrong,

the light and the darkness are at it again.

But we are not afraid.

No. No.

We know that the deliverance will come.

Yes!

A prophet!

This is written. This is promised.

The Book of Revelation 19:11 says,

"And there before me was a white horse

whose rider is called Faithful and True.

He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood,

and his name is the word of God!"

Quiet!

I am the prophet.

I am the chosen one.

Daddy.

Jesse. Do you promise me?

You promise?

I promise, Daddy.

"This is it. This is the best I can do."

But for Coach Tom Landry...

That wasn't good enough.

He looked down at that player

and they looked up into one other's eyes,

and he frowned.

He said...

"Get off... Get off your backside.

Stand up and run."

And that player looked at him and he did.

And some of you might be askin' what the heck football has to do

with the Parable of the Five Foolish Bridesmaids.

St. Matthew reminds us that salvation won't come to those...

To those...

St. Matthew reminds us that salvation won't come to those...

The answer is...

The... The answer is bein' humble.

So think about that.

And whoever's messin' with the sign outside...

...can you stop, please?

N'

I just Abe Lincoln-ed that squirrel!

Pop to the back of the head!

Donnie! What's the matter with you, shooting a gun at church?

I had to figure out a whole new TV schedule to go with the supper.

You know, 'cause I like to eat, and, I mean, this is the time

that she gave me for dinner, right?

When I was growing up, 6:00 is dinnertime, and she knows that.

She knows. So...

Why not just open your heart?

Be honest with her.

Tell your mom to call you back after you've eaten.

I mean, what does it matter to her

what kind of cheese I have on my sandwich?

- It's up to me what I like. - Yeah...

- I make the choices... - I'm sorry to cut this short, Ted.

I need a word with...

I like Swiss cheese.

Read my mind, kid.

Don't tell me you're here to bitch about the air-conditionin'.

Broken-down piece of junk.

It's about my dad.

I don't like him.

Why don't you like him?

'Cause he's mean.

Not to me. I mean, he is...

...but you know, mostly...

He's mean to your mom.

So you want me to talk to someone?

Talkin' won't help.

Well, you're hangin' there like a shirt on a hook,

so you got somethin' in mind,

Words, kid. What do you want?

I want you to hurt him.

You know, it's a sin just to ask me that?

I know, but he sins, too.

He sins worse, and he's got it comin'.

- Well, in that case... - Don't laugh.

People said before you came back here...

Before you were a preacher...

You did things.

So, bring me a beer and maybe I'll do some of those things to your daddy.

How hurt you want him?

How far do I go?

One punch?

Two?

Problem is, your daddy's a big fella.

I imagine a couple punches just gonna make him mad.

He's gonna fight back.

Then his buddies are gonna want to help out.

I'll need to defend myself.

Things will escalate. That's what these things do.

They escalate.

And violence makes violence.

It makes nothing much at all.

Is that what you want, kid?

Doesn't mean I can't still, you know, help out with your daddy.

Help how?

I don't know.

We'll figure somethin' out.

"A man's heart plans his way,

but the Lord directs his steps."

Right.

Pray for me, Preacher.

Anyone were listenin', I would.

Believe me.

I'd pray.

In local news, goodbye, Chief Red Savage,

hello, Pedro the Prairie Dog!

Unveiling is tonight, so come on down to City Hall

and give Annville's adorable, politically correct new mascot

a big ol' West Texas hello.

- You got punched! - The board voted!

The prairie dog is the new mascot, all right?

I got punched by a girl!

You punched me! Who punches?

Can't do it.

I told them.

You cannot just expunge a beloved cultural figure like that

and not expect it to go over like shit on cold biscuit.

I imagine there's worse things that could happen.

Considerin' I just read

the Japanese let a fellow marry his own pillow,

I tend to agree with you.

Much worse is on its way.

Pillows? That's a slippery slope.

Indeed it is. Indeed.

Eugene told me that he... he left you some messages?

Yep. Yep, I owe him a call.

Look, I don't... I don't give a damn one way or the other.

He was askin' about you,

so I was wonderin' if you could find the time to swing by?

Tomorrow night? That work?

Tomorrow.

- Get him! - You got him, Donnie?

Hold him down!

Sheriff?

I can't say how but... I heard Donnie there,

he might be layin' hands on his wife.

I figured you might want to talk to her.

I'll listen to a formal complaint should the victim come forward.

Well, that's unlikely, ain't it?

These kinds of situations? She's probably scared to.

I will listen to a formal complaint.

'Course.

You don't want to lose the wife-beatin',

squirrel-murderin' redneck vote.

I imagine that's a key demographic for you.

You know, Preacher, when I heard that you was

comin' back here to your daddy's,

I must confess to a portion of unease on it.

But you've been real quiet, haven't you?

I mean, some folks say too quiet, but not me.

No siree, Bob.

I say let's just let that continue.

Now, you drive careful.

Right. So, Tijuana.

Any sod-eyed muppet with a bloody backpack

and a pair of frickin' Birkenstocks

is gonna go on about that donkey show, man.

Listen, listen, boys. No, no, no.

The place I'm gonna take you gentlemen...

Listen to me now... It's downright naughty.

We know what you're talkin' about.

No, you don't, Dave. You don't know what I'm talkin' about.

Is it Dave? Look, Dave. Listen to me now.

To know what I'm talkin' about, you've had to have the kind of night

that lands you in the hospital tryin' to figure out

what the Spanish word is for "ass hamster," for goodness' sake.

I'm serious.

Where's the bath? Is it down there, is it?

- Through the door. - Time to make a manky, gentlemen.

Listen... Hamster del culo. Write it down. I'm serious.

He's serious.

I'd steer clear of the head a day or three there, gents.

I just lost an argument with some Kobe sliders.

Where's that giggle gun? I'm starting to feel me toes again here.

Come on, then.

Isn't that funny there?

Right...

I really thought that T.J. was south of Vegas.

So, I might be wonderin' why we're headin' toward the sun there, boy.

Yeah, but what do I know?

I'm just another shit-faced Irishman, am I not?

Am I not just that?

No, no.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Kill him!

How did you wankers find me, then?

Go to hell, abomination.

When will you idgets learn, huh?

Jesus Christ!

I mean, I'm not responsible for the fact that it was a difficult birth.