Marlon

What's up, people? Welcome to "The Marlon Way."

Me and my ex-wife, Ashley, when we parent,

we do it differently. See, I keep it real,

and she keeps it real emotional.

And when Ashley cries, like most women,

it comes in four stages.

Stage one: Heavy breathing.

Stage two:

They look up into the sky and start fanning their eyes.

Stage three: Lip sucking.

Stage four is a full on, ugly cry,

buttoned up with a big old Viola Davis snot bubble.

Just mucus spread all across her face.

See, men, when we cry, we do it real cool, like Denzel.

Just one tear rolling down our cheek with no expression.

Okay. Snacks for Marley, iPad for Zack,

sweatshirts in case the hospital is cold.

What else am I forgetting? Oh, toilet seat covers!

You have your own toilet seat covers?

Don't you?

I hover.

Girl, you need to chill.

Zack's surgery is outpatient. He'll be home in a few hours.

I just like to be prepared. Plus, it keeps me distracted

from thinking about how fragile Zack is.

It's a bird! It's a plane!

It's... a kid that's way heavier than I thought he was!

Whoa! Aah!

Oh, my God!

Marlon, you shouldn't be jiggling him around.

Oh, what's the matter? Mommy's jiggle-jealous?

Come here. I got you girl. Come here.

Oh, ya.

- Put me down. - Remind you of something?

Marlon!

Okay, listen, he was just a little nervous

about going to the hospital, so I just wanted to remind him

that superheroes aren't afraid of anything, right?

What are we gonna do to that bone infection?

We're kicking the bone infection's ass!

Ahem.

Hey, what'd I tell you about saying the word "ass"?

Nothing.

You know, me and you could never rob a bank together.

Zack, you're only gonna need these crutches...

For a couple more days.

Oh, my God.

You see that? The heavy breathing?

Stage one of the ugly cry.

I'm glad you guys think this is funny,

but my baby's having surgery.

Are you sure this isn't gonna hurt?

Honey, remember, it's like we talked about, right?

The doctor's just gonna make a small incision in your leg.

He's gonna clean out the infection.

You'll be on antibiotics for a couple day...

Boy, you gon' be high as hell.

They gon' give you that stuff

that made Bobby and Whitney fall in love.

Look, you gon' be home by 9:00.

I'ma be beating your behind in "John Madden Football" by 9:05.

Zach, you're good... I prayed on it.

My god is a mighty healer.

Sinners be dropping to their knees in a second, huh?

God, it's me Yvette.

I holla at you the last time I needed something.

God knows my heart, and you can trust and believe that.

I trust and believe God's gon' be ducking your calls.

He gon' be up there like, "Is that Yvette?

"Jesus, I ain't here! Quick, turn out the sun!

Close the clouds!"

Jesus loves me. This I know.

Um, I think that's Jesús.

And he owns an auto body shop right down there on Crenshaw.

Well, Jesús fixed my fender for half price.

So, ha-ha!

Marley! It's time for us to go.

I'm ready. I was just making some chocolate milk for Zack.

Come on, let's race. Let's go. Come on, come on.

That's as fast as you can go? Come on, I got you.

I do that backwards. You can't get this, boy.

What in the ninja was that?

- We need to talk. - I don't like conversations

that start with "We need to talk,"

'cause it's never nothing good.

It's never like, "Hey, we need to talk.

"I think you're really cool, and I want to give you

a billion dollars." No, it's always like,

"I saw the doctor, and I think you should too.

I'm pregnant. It's not yours."

Marlon, I know we're only gonna be in the hospital

for six hours, but that can be very stressful on parents.

- Mm-hmm. - And in situations like these,

I also know you can be very...

- Sexy? - No.

- Charismatic? - No.

- Did I say sexy? - Marlon!

This is what I'm talking about. You being you.

It reminds me of why we got divorced.

Look, I was just trying to lighten the mood for Zack, okay?

He's going to surgery, and I just wanted to, you know,

make everything easy for him.

And I just need to make sure

that everything goes smoothly,

which is why I need you to be...

Sexy?

Oh, my God.

Where have you been?

We was out there beating cancer...

kids in wheelchair races.

That was a really weird place to put a pause.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Come on, let's get you out of here, buddy.

Get this. When you park here,

you have to pay for an entire day.

$42! Well, that's not gonna happen.

I gotta talk to somebody about this.

Can I have $42?

No.

I gotta talk to someone else about this!

I'm Nurse Patrice.

Don't let my bubbly demeanor fool you.

I don't play.

Hi, Patrice. It's wonderful to meet you.

I'm Ashley Wayne, this is our son, Zack,

and this is my ex-husband, Marlon.

Hey there, Nurse Ratched.

I like your little Crocs.

They're comfortable, yet stylish, just like you.

I'll be back to put an IV in.

Oh, I like 'em ghetto like that, boy.

She smell like Newports, Juicy Fruit, and gunpowder.

I don't think that lady likes us.

No, no. She don't like you,

and she definitely don't like you, but she's feeling Daddy.

Marlon, that was our one chance

to get in good with the nurse, who is the gatekeeper

for everything we need while we're here.

I know, and she's also scary as hell.

I was just trying to, you know, lighten things up.

Hello. I'm John Pepper.

I'll be performing Zack's surgery today.

- Hi, Doc. - Are you the guy

that's gonna cut me open?

Honey, the doctor's done this hundreds of times.

There's nothing out of the ordinary.

Except for the fact that the man's name is Dr. Pepper.

And ain't nobody gonna acknowledge it?

Yeah, yeah. He named like a soda.

Hey, Dr. Pepper.

You ever go skiing up on Mountain Dew?

Take Dr. Brown and Mr. Pibb with you,

and you pick up the Tab? Ha-ha!

- Marlon! - Hmm?

No more soda jokes.

That's okay. I heard them all.

That must be Diet Dr. Pepper.

I stand corrected.

Sorry it took so long to get the coffee.

Aunt Yvette asked a doctor to take her pulse.

Well, it was going well until I found out he's a nurse.

Zack's not having surgery today.

- Mmm! - The Lord fixed it!

No, I mean, we need to delay his procedure.

His white blood cell count needs to level out.

Uh, keep him relaxed. You're probably gonna stay here

- for two or three days. - Three days?

You guys promised I was gonna be out of here by tonight.

- Oh, honey, it's gonna be fine. - Fine?

It's gonna be great, man. It's gonna be off the... man!

This is me and you at a three-day hospital party!

What? We gon' turn up, turn up,

turn up, turn up, turn up, turn up!

Haa!

Marlon and I in one room for three days?

All right. I can do this.

I don't know.

I saw on "Dr. Phil" this couple that was stuck

in the hospital with their kid, and they got so stressed,

the dude knocked his wife out with a bedpan.

Oh, clear! Pow!

Ohh! Whoa!

Bop! Ohh!

All I'm saying is you better get to that bedpan first.

Oh, Stevie. That's so sweet.

You stayed to support Zack.

I'm also sticking around to get my $42 worth.

I've already collected ACE bandages, rubber gloves,

and an insane amount of baby Tylenol.

Came to get another pillowcase.

I just saw a cart full of unattended Jell-O cups.

Zack, it's gonna be good.

Feel better, buddy. Bye.

I wish I didn't have to spend the night here.

I know, but you know what?

Mommy has something that I think might cheer you up.

Boom! His name is Babby.

He's seen better days, but my mom gave him to me

when I was having my tonsils taken out,

and he held my hand the entire time.