The Hard Times of RJ Berger

Previously on "The Hard Times of R.J. Berger"...

Lock in night, that's like a school sponsored orgy.

This is just how I wanted to lose my virginity.

Wait, you're a virgin?

You tried to sabotage R.J.'s night?

If I can't have R.J., no one can.

- Did we? - No.

Soon, R.J. Berger.

Hey Jenny wait up.

What's up with the Lohan glasses.

- Hey, R.J. - Hey.

Did you get into your parent's schnapps last night?

I should probably just get to class.

Oh, look, it's the dorknamyc duo.

Is that little miss perfect in shades?

That's new.

Uuuh, gross.

Looks like some burgers fugly rubbed off in your face, Swanson.

How unfortunate. A big old pimple and isn't tomorrow cheerleader photo day?

Such a shame.

Toadles.

Max, I'm walking.

Jealousy isn't good for your complexion, babe.

Dude did you hear?

Lily's settlement from the accident came in.

Yeah, she got like a billion dollars.

Lipo on her body, plus she got huge fakey....

Dude, this is just another rumor.

Remember last year when everyone thought

Gina Palacando was one of the two girls one cup chicks?

Remind me to never shake hands with Gina Palacando.

Yeah. Hey.

Lils, what's up, bestie?

I am busy, peasant.

Lily, join us!

Hey!

You look hot!

Who wants me?

I do!

Oh my God, is Lily trying to buy her friendship?

What? She should be trying to buy our friendship.

I've been piggy-backing that oversized *** since kindergarten.

***

Count me out.

Look, R.J.

Maybe you are cool with being broke.

I'm trying to get paid.

All we got to do is suckle up to the devils teat.

It's not gonna be easy, bro.

She may be wearing $30 lipstick

but she is still the same old pig.

See you guys later.

Look at that.

Meanwhile Jenny sneaks in the school like the trench coat mafia.

My name is R.J. Berger and my world has officially flipped upside down.

I know we didn't get to do everything we talked about doing the other night.

But I was hoping maybe...

R.J., I'm sorry I can only deal with one emotional crisis at a time.

My life is a complete nightmare.

The cheerleading photo is tomorrow.

- Everything is ruined. - Keep breathing.

It's just a little zit.

I've had hundreds.

Try thousands.

I've had a zit five times that size on my butt for two months.

I named it Zitney Murphy.

I've never really had one before.

Ever?

It will be gone by tomorrow right?

- I'm sure you'll be bet... - Hell no.

You are totally screwed.

- Jennifer Gloria Swanson... - My middle name is not Gloria.

It's time you learned the life cycle of a zit.

Sadly, nature's made me an expert.

***

Dude!

Could you have freaked her out anymore?

She had to get the truth sometime, bro.

Man, does Zitney Murphy ever die?

What?

Lily, can we talk for a minute?

Let me get rid of him real quick.

What do you want? I'm busy being popular as hell.

I know you hate my guts but this isn't the way to get back at me.

You think this is about you?

You big dump sociopath, I finally pulled my head out of my unfortunately unpenetrated ass.

These people don't give a crap about you.

They're obviously using you for your money.

You know who obviously doesn't give a crap about me, R.J.?

- You. - That's not true.

I'm over pretending you are a nice guy just because you are a loser.

What could you possibly have in common with any of them??

My *** metre spiked to hypocrite.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm sure you have so much in common with that Bassett coon Jenny.

What do you talk about?

The best place to get the jazzle?

Yeah, it's not like that. We have lots of fun together.

Face it, you are using Jenny for her boobs and ass, the same

way I'm using Robin and Matt for popularity.

Now if you will excuse me, my ass has to get back to being kissed.

Ow. What the...

Hey Lil, you're looking extra vibrant today.

Take your dirty stay puff paws off me, Miles.

My pleasure.

Oh.

Is that one of those touchy pady things?

Those are so expensive.

What do you want lard ass?

Killing my self esteem.

I was, I want you to buy me some cool , ok?

***

A golden segue or my very own porn company.

Is that too much to ask? Come on!

Ok Miles.

You want to be friends now that I got a little screwer under my belt.

Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe I can help.

My back needs scratching too,

and it's itchy as hell.

It's probably the flees.

- What? - Anything to please.

Ah! Ok.

Oh my God, it's getting worse.

You must think I'm so gross.

The answer to that is absolutely not. ***

See?

It wasn't you.

The cream is very sour.

I'm unkissable.

Oh you two have so much in common.

Both losers.

Such a nightmare.

Maybe you should put on more face cream?

Lily, join us.

You are really going to go sit with those mini medusas.

If you want something from me, you smile pretty and like it.

I'm not paying you to have an awesome time.

Wow, that money has gone straight to your head.

At least it's not going straight to my ass like your

government cheese trailer trash.

Hi! Hi!

This is a private table, you know.

Don't worry ladies, he is the help.

Jenner take a knee.

- Come on, lily. - ***

You missed a spot, daddy.

That's enough!

Be gone biatch.

Oh my God lily, you're brutal.

I love it.

Let me see your ring.

How cool would it be if all the cheerleaders had rings like these.

They are at the mall, I can show you.

We can't make it today.

But it would be really cool if tomorrow when we were sitting

together we all had the same rings that way we would know

you were one of us, know what I mean?

Hey Jenny?

- Don't say it. - Say what?

I know I look disgusting.

I tried to stay home but my mom won't let me.

My mom doesn't let me stay home for zits either.

Parents just don't understand. Am I right?

- Are you being sarcastic? - What?