Fleabag

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

I opened a cafe with my friend, Boo. Yeah, she's dead now.

Thank you for coming in today.

That kind of thing won't get you very far here any more.

Oh! Argh!

I suppose you should meet Hillary.

She's beautiful!

Mum died three years ago.

Loo, doo, ooh, badoo!

All right, Dad?

Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us

tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our godmother,

and eventually stop calling. Did you take the sculpture?

What sculpture?

Martin's being lovely.

I am not drunk. Always drunk.

Jake's her step-son. He's really weird, probably clinically,

but no-one really talks about that.

No. I got the Finland promotion. That's amazing! Thank you.<

People make mistakes.

Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

I'm just going to say this once.

He didn't try to kiss you.

He says it was more like the other way around. Believe me!</f

How can I believe you? Because I'm your sister!

After what you did to Boo?

I'm sorry. I think you should go.

Can I do anything?

No, thank you.

They've gone. So...

Thank you.

This is a love story.

You know when you've done everything? When you've been all...

Squat! Squat! Squat! Squat!</font

..and...

You've even...

Do you want to have sex?

No!

Can I at least go down on you? No!

You've done everything, and you feel great.

You're not even thinking about...

You don't even think about...

And even though your sister still hates you... Thank you.</fo

..you're pretending to be friends because your dad is...

I'm joking, he's just there... Here's to love.

- ..and engaged. - To love!

Love. Hey!

Urgh.

Congratulations, you assholes!

So, it means a great deal to both of us

that you, that we,

the family, are...

..are all...

..together here for a very special family, er...

..gang-bang, um...

It's just, you know, being here...

..you know, I know we've had our...

Cos I...

I have the feeling, um...

..in... here...

So I just want to say...

..very much.

And that's it. Oh, darling!

Congratulations, Dad. Congratulations! Cheers.

May these be the worst of our days.

Don't know who this guy is. Happy for you, old boy.

Best decision a man can make.

Urgh.

You look well. Thank you.

Right. Wine, everyone?

I'd love some wine. Oh, you'll adore it. I chose it.

Not for us, thanks.

Off the sauce! Six months and counting.

Why would you do that? We just...

Don't want to miss a thing. <font color

I haven't seen her since...

Except for...

Nice jumpsuit. Thank you.

You look well, where've you been? Boots.

It's lovely there this time of year.

Oh, you look fantastic.

Oh, well, you both look gorgeous!

Oh, thank you. Is that fur?

Yes, but it's OK because it had a stroke.

Oh, lovely!

I can't go to hell for that, can I, Father?

No. Not as long as you confess. Oh, God, he's their priest.

Then you've nothing to fucking worry about! Their cool, swea

Love the Catholics! You can get away with anything. A lot of

It's an honour to be marrying you two. Thank you.

I didn't realise you were allowed out without your little doggy thing.

Oh, sorry, have I disappointed you?

Of course not. Devastated.

Can I get you another bottle?

Needy waitress. Ah, no, it's all right. We've already order

Oh, no, really?

I'll have another tequila. I'll have a tequila.

Great, thank you so much.

Can I get a glass of sparkling water with a dash of lime, please?

Oh, yes, I'll have the same.

Dream team.

You know the most fascinating thing about Father here,

is that his mother was originally a lesbi...!

You do look tired.

Oh, it's not as exhausting as I thought it would be, actually.

She's commuting from Finland.

She has narrowed down her packing to a ten-minute turnaround.

It's... Fabulous! It's all about...

Rolling it up, rather than... Folding it.

I read about that. Now, are you sure you don't want any wine?

Oh, no, thank you! It really is delicious.

I admire you both so much.

Well, it's really turned us around, hasn't it, honey?

Oh, so much more energy. You know, in Finland...

Is there a reason that you're not drinking? He's an alcohol

Oh, fun, my parents are alcoholics. Oh, great.

We thought it'd be easier if we did it together,

and I don't really like the taste... And we are trying for a baby!

Oh, Claire!

We thought you couldn't have them! What? Why?

Well, you just seem a little...

Well, they say a lifestyle change can help, so here we go.

That is so exciting, darling. Thanks, Dad.

Good luck. That's wonderful.

Something's up. And now you have the money to pay for proper

Ghastly without help, I imagine.

Tell us about Finland.

Oh, well, it's, um...

..cold and beautiful and dark.

I think she might be happy.

It's a lot of pressure, but I love it. I have this amazing new partner

out there, he's really pushed the company forward...

I can't remember the last time we went away.

Weren't you both in Japan recently?

Japan, wow. Oh, yes, but that was just a little fortnight.</f

Don't ask her! Why were you in Japan?

Well, the... I was... Oh, sorry, darling.

Oh, no, no. Thank you.

They flew us over with the Sexhibition.

Sorry, darling, do you want to...?

No, no, no. No? Oh.

You see, you think of the Japanese as a very prudish people.

Not to generalise.

But actually they have a very deep interest in sex in their culture,

it's just hidden in the underbelly.

It's not allowed to come to the surface. Fair enough.

They really... The honesty of the</f

The Americans, oh, well... Well, they just took me in their s

But the Japanese were deeply moved by my work, I think.

Weren't they, darling? Yeah. It caused quite a cultural wave

A ripple.

Wave.

No-one's asked me a question in 45 minutes. So what do you d

Er, I run a cafe.

Oh, wow.

It's going well, is it?

Yes, it is. It really is.

It actually is.

It is.

Can I get anyone any ice?

Fellow smoker. Do you have a spare one? Sure.

So, do your family get together much, or...?

Fuck you, then.

We should wait.

OK.

He's such a lovely man. Yes.

Did you have a cigarette? Yeah.

I just, I wish you could've seen him in...

You know, they can't even masturbate!

Shit alive, man. Oh, sorry.

We were just saying, it's fascinating,

the notion of a calling.

Yeah, well, marriage is a calling, too, of course.

Did you always want to join the priesthood? Oh, fuck, no.</fo

Sorry.

No, no, no. I came quite late to it, actually, but it's been a really

good life to me.

I've really found peace in it.

Is anyone in your family in the Church?

Actually, both my parents are lawyers and my brother

is a long-distance lorry driver. How unusual!

Are your parents successful?

They were very successful alcoholics, yeah.

Better than you, anyway.

No, but beyond them, my family's literally crawling

with nuns, so it wasn't too much of a leap.

Must be hard on the balls.

Martin!

Not as hard on them as trying to make a baby for five months,

I imagine. Food good?

This sauce is disgusting.

Is everything OK? Oh, it's delicious, thank you.

Delicious. Lovely, lovely.

Um, darling...

No, no. We'll just pour our own wine, please.

Oh, I actually love doing... Thank you.

You can pour me some. Oh, thank you.

So, do you do a lot of older weddings?

I don't think that's how we...

No, this is my first-ever wedding, actually.