Family Guy

"Happy Birthday, Dog"?

Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store.

Have a good one, Brent.

Thanks for having us, Peter.

I don't recall inviting Kevin, but sure.

His name you remember!

I think it's ridiculous to have a party for a dog.

Why spend money on something he can't even comprehend?

This ball is nuts.

Hey, happy birthday, Brian!

Bonnie and I got you a big stick.

Wow, thank you!

I'm gonna take it into the kitchen

and I don't foresee having any issues with that.

Okay, I can make this work.

Think, Brent, think.

Uh, Joe, isn't that the same stick

we gave you for your wedding?

You told me it was a magic wand.

I pointed it at a bus, the bus crashed,

that's all I'm saying.

Happy Birthday, Brian.

I got you a card.

On the front it says, "Too much sex ruins your eyesight"

and on the inside it says, "Happy Birthday,"

but all blurry-- Oh! I gave it away!

It also says, "Love, Aunt Judy and Uncle Bob."

A joke that good doesn't celebrate just one birthday.

Well, fellas, I'm off.

Old Joe's got a big stakeout this week,

so I'm gonna practice by watching the party

from across the street.

"Those who doubt the wand's power suffer the wand's wrath."

Leviticus 26:12.

Was anybody gonna wake me up for the party?

It's 6:30. I went down at noon.

Now I'm gonna be up all night, watching bad reality TV.

We now return to Uber Driver: Ninja Warrior.

First, he's gotta swing on the gold chains

across the cologne bath without dropping his e-cigarette.

Next, he's gotta pick up

a ride share customer.

Now he's gonna be late, but he's going to make it seem like

the passenger's fault and not his.

Where the hell have you been?

I been here, man.

Maybe you press wrong button. I don't know.

Now don't talk to me. I'm on four different phone calls.

Hi, everyone, Peter Griffin.

Welcome to the roast portion of the evening.

Ladies and gentleman: my son, Chris.

Born on the highway, because that is where

most accidents happen. Peter!

But we're here to talk about

Brian getting another year older.

You know, I hear he can't even bury a bone these days

without Viagra.

Ha, all right, all right, I can take it.

And they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks,

but I heard Brian just learned how to roll over and beg...

for an erection.

Okay. That's sort of

just another jab at my penis, but sure.

On the positive side,

Brian's latest book was a real page-turner.

Yeah, I turned the pages into toilet paper.

'Cause Brian's old now

and can't satisfy women through intercourse.

Peter, I'm fine.

Are you sure this isn't about you

not being able to perform on your anniversary?

I told you that in confidence!

Whoa, slow down, buddy.

It's snack time, not Black Friday.

Nobody's walking outta here

with First Wives Club on Blu-ray, okay?

Nice as that sounds.

I heard there's a special feature on the Blu-ray

that's just Diane Keaton shrieking the commentary.

Huge, if true.

Actually, Stewie, there's something important

I sorta need to talk to you about.

Okay.

I recently found out I have cooties.

And you're telling me why?

Well, I mean, uh...

remember last week?

When we ate from the same Play-Doh?

Stewie, listen.

I just think you should get tested, okay?

What? You mean I played with the Play-Doh

everyone you ever played Play-Doh with played with?

I've been played!

Can I have a chocolate milk with my snack today, please?

What? Honey, the chocolate milk is the snack.

Hey, Bonnie. Is Joe around?

No, he's on his stakeout.

Oh, that's too bad.

Tomorrow's Chris's Career Day,

and Joe's hat is a key element of what I do.

So that's how I became Quahog's first ninja cop.

Questions? Yes.

Mister-- Officer Hi-yah.

Did you park in the handicapped spot?

Ninjas don't have cars.

Well, it's gettin' towed.

Oh, no! My Chevy Cruze!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Man, something smells good in here.

You cooking brussels sprouts?

No, I just farted.

That checks out.

Anyway, somethin' else smells good.

I think dinner's ready.

I didn't hear a ding.

That's how I always know to run into the kitchen,

shove a napkin in my shirt

and hold my utensils upright at the table.

Well, I made it in the oven, not the microwave.

You want a little taste?

Holy crap.

That's the best thing I've ever had.

You know, I usually cook for one-and-a-half,

but Joe's still on his stakeout.

You want to stay for dinner?

Ah, man, I'd love to, but it'd be wrong.

I always eat dinner with Lois.

Aw, you sure?

You can sit in Joe's dining harness if you like.

How's he get into that thing?

We have a large array of medical-grade cranes

and pulleys that lift him.

Man, that must make the house ugly. It does.

All right, I guess I could text Lois.

But just this once.

Okay, we're good.

So, how long have you had Invisalign?

You can see it? Yeah, I mean,

it's just a name, not a fact.

Okay, Stewie, think positive.

The test results will be negative.

Chin up, bud.

Incontinence is really not that uncommon at your age.

What underwear do you recommend?

Depends.

Sorry, old joke.

Now, get out of here and go have some fun.

Make some fake skin out of dried glue, would ya?

All right, who's next?

Oh.

Stewie. Come in.

Okay, I just want to verify some medical history here.

Any recent boo-boos?

No.

Any ouchies or uh-ohs?

No, nothing like that. God.

Good, good.

And how many boogies would you say

you consume in a week? Oh, God, maybe, like... one.

Maybe two during the holidays. Maybe.

Stewie, I'm your doctor.

I can tell just by looking at you

that you're eating more than that.

I'm thinking you had one just on the way here.

What?

Okay, I did! I'm sorry.

I've just been so nervous about these test results.

Well, that's understandable,

seeing as how you did test positive for cooties.

What? That's terrible!

I think you need to get your affairs in order.

I don't have any affairs! I'm one!

Well, then you're ready to die.

Did you say something? Me?

No, just humming.

It's part of my alternative cooties therapy.

Did you know you can literally vibrate disease

out of the body?

No, I know the opposite of that.

Oh, Brian. You'll see.

When you get this close to death,

your whole perspective changes.

I got your meds, honey.

My father never loved me,

but Stewie-- he take good care of me.

Who was that? That's my 20-year-old nurse.

He's wearing homemade sandals.

Yeah, he has no medical training.

Stewie, aren't you being a little dramatic

about this cooties thing?

Brian, this is the Flintstones cocktail

I have to take every day.

17 Barneys. 18 Wilmas.

I have to take the Bam-Bams just to keep things moving.

Does this seem dramatic to you?

Yes, incredibly.

Stewie, I found one! Come look!

He likes to find frogs in the garden

and then show them to me.