The Inbetweeners

The Inbetweeners 1x6 Xmas Party

It was the end of my first term,

and my personal report card read

"Making new friends, C-. Must try harder."

Being one of the cool gang...

- D. - Nice badge, dickhead.

Not losing my virginity...

- Will you put your pants on, please? - A*.

But things were looking up.

I'd been elected chairman of the school's Christmas prom committee.

All right, I was the only candidate, but still.

I wanted to look the part, which meant hiring my first ever suit,

and Simon's dad said he knew just the place.

Are you sure this is the best place to hire suits?

I've been coming here for years.

Old Mr Sethi knows me very well.

He'll do you a good deal if you mention my name.

It looks a bit old-fashioned.

Neil, the stuff in here never goes out of fashion. It's timeless.

I don't care, cos I've already bought a suit.

Once, Sethi went mental,

cos I brought a suit back covered in grass stains.

If you know what I mean.

Blimey, imagine that. If you got to hire the exact same suit

I was wearing the first time me and your...

All right, all right. We're going in.

- What do you think? - Oh, yes. Very nice.

- It is a lovely fit. - I'm not too sure about the lapels.

- Too jazzy? - They are a little too jazzy, yes.

Is this the sort of suit a chairman would wear?

But of course, definitely for a chairman.

- Here we go. - I'm the chairman of this committee

that's organising our school's Christmas prom this year.

That's it. You've now officially told everyone you've ever laid eyes on.

I just think it's important that people know.

I'm the DJ. That's far more important.

I said you might get to DJ.

- Very, very nice. - I think it's kind of hideous.

Is it velvet?

- Too jazzy? - Yeah.

Yeah, too jazzy.

And for you, my young friend?

- Shall I find you something also? - I suppose so.

But I need something special, yeah? Something's gonna make me stand out.

I'll get you something extra-special,

something just for you.

You said I could fucking DJ. Don't go back on your word.

Let him DJ. He's part of my plan to seduce Carli.

What's he gonna do? Hold her down?

I get breathless every time I think of her,

and when I see her, my heart does little flips.

- Are you bent? - Shut up!

It's just that, right then, you sounded really bent.

- Won't her boyfriend be there? - Who?

Her boyfriend.

- The massive rugby player. - Oh, him.

Yeah, no. I don't think they're going out.

Or if they are, then they aren't really.

I don't know, she never says that they definitely are,

- so maybe they aren't. - Yes.

That's the most positive possible way of looking at it.

Here we are. Just for you. Perfect.

Too jazzy?

With the prom a few days away, I was stressed.

But I wasn't the only one with things on my mind.

I think I'm ready for relationship.

You mean you think you're wanking too much?

- Talking of which... - Miss Timms...

She's so fit.

It should be illegal for her to teach biology.

I almost knocked one out there and then when we did the reproduction system.

As something of an outsider, I'd say that actually,

she isn't very fit at all.

She's just the only adult female in the school under 30.

- She is so fit. - No, she isn't.

I mean, she's fine, but she's no...

She'd definitely get it.

If we could all just concentrate above the waist for a second,

I need you all at a planning meeting this lunch.

I've got some brilliant jobs lined up.

- Like what? - Well...

Giving out the vouchers that can be exchanged for alcohol.

Shit!

If we control the beer vouchers, we get the pick of the birds.

The drunk birds.

That sounded just a little bit rapey.

Say what you like, Professor Words.

Thanks to you, we're gonna be drowning in babes.

I just want the night to be a success.

I've no interest in babes.

That's handy, cos they've got no interest in you.

Sorry. Who here has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe?

Who? Huh?

Me. That's who.

- She only did it for a bet. - That's not true.

- Let's not get into all that again. - It is true.

It's not fucking true. People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay.

With the possible exception of your sister.

- Take that back. - Actually, I do take it back.

But your mum,

she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits.

- Silence! - Oh, no!

Obviously no-one cool wanted to help organise the prom,

so when it came to recruiting a crack team,

I wasn't exactly spoiled for choice.

But while there may be no "I" in team, luckily there was a "me".

And if I was to stop these morons from screwing up my big night,

every fine detail had to be planned.

Right. Welcome.

As you all know, this is the first ever Christmas prom.

Two things are gonna make this event successful:

teamwork and exceptional leadership.

The first thing we need to discuss is the agenda and how that...

- Yes, John? - Are we gonna have food?

Yep. Yep, we will.

If you look at the agenda, that's item four, so we'll get to that.

I think we should have food.

And I was wondering what type everyone thought we should have.

As I say, that is on the agenda, so we'll get to that.

Lasagne's nice, and so are burgers.

You don't need a plate for burgers, which gives them an edge on lasagne.

Yes, John, please. We'll get to that.

But you can eat burgers off a plate, too.

Listen, lard-arse.

There will be food so shut the fuck up so we can get this over with!

- I just wanted you all... - Shut up!

Right. Right.

Item one. Venue.

We're having it in the school hall, obviously.

Item two, band.

- We don't need a band. I'm DJing. - After half ten.

I should be DJing the whole thing!

- They're booked now. - You're shit at this.

I'd be much better. I've organised hundreds of parties.

This is the first ever Christmas prom, not a chimps' tea party.

What we want is a good, structured evening.

What we want is a big mucky disco and a piss-up.

- Hang on. - When have you organised parties?

- All the time. - I've known you for ten years

and I have never seen you organise a party.

Bollocks. What about my birthday party last year?

- Your mum organised that. - Yeah, under my supervision.

- And that was a wicked party. - I fingered a bird.

See? And also, I organise the Caravan Club parties.

Remember, we have been to a Caravan Club party.

- And it was shit. - I fingered a bird.

- There you go! - Look, Jay, now's not the time.

- Item three. - Seriously, Will, why are we here?

You've clearly decided it all already.

No, I haven't. There's still loads I need your help with.

- Like what? - Like who cleans up the next day.

- What item's that? - 28.

For Christ's sake, just get on with it.

- Item four, food. - Good.

She did it as a bet. One more time, that's not true.

Say what you like, I know it was a bet.

- Ask her. - I will.

There she is over there. Go ask her now.

I'm not gonna ask her now. I'll ask her later.

- Or tomorrow at the prom. - Right, course!

Right. Here goes. Phase one.

Carli!

- Hi, Simon. - All right, sick-boy boner?

Listen, this dance, you are going, aren't you?

Great. Great.

- Maybe we could go together? - I could do with a lift, yeah, thanks.

Right, a lift. Yeah.

Tom's car's broken, so that would be perfect.

Great. Got to get here early to help Will set up,

- so I'll pick you up about four. - Four?

You want me to go to a prom that starts at eight at four o'clock?

- That's the time I'll be getting there. - There'll be loads to do.

So, what? I could turn up in my evening dress

four hours early and help you blow up balloons?

You could help scrub the floors.

It might be fun. You know, all together.

- Are you mentally ill? - Good one.

Tell you what, I'll see you there. In the evening.

Great. Great. I'll see you there, then.

You know, since he's met you,

- he's become much more of a dick. - Really?

He does seem to think more and, like, express himself.

- Isn't that a good thing? - - Does it look like a good thing?

- I'm charging you for the chips. - I never had chips!

Right, then.

So tomorrow is your Christmas party,

or prom, if you will insist on speaking like our transatlantic cousins.

Myself and Miss Timms will attend

to make sure you enjoy yourselves sensibly.

Now, obviously we want you to have fun,

but in order to make it enjoyable for everyone,

we have a few rules.

One, everyone will get two alcoholic drink tokens and no more.

Frankly, the last thing I want is to be cleaning up your dreadful sick,

or even worse, you putting your arms around me and telling me that

I'm, "All right for a teacher", and that you love me.

Two, this is a school dance and not the last days of Rome.

What I mean by this is no heavy petting.

And I will be the judge of what constitutes heavy.

- Pervert. - I heard that.