Taskmaster NZ

I'm peeing in the water.

Whoo-hoo!

Gotta be faster than that!

Ta-da!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Kia or a koutou. Welcome along to the eighth episode of Taskmaster New Zealand.

We are deep into our second season.

I am still Jeremy Wells, and I'm still, despite protests from Matt Heath, the Taskmaster.

For many months, I've been challenging five comedians to impress me

by completing a series of intricate tasks at our top secret Taskmaster ranch.

Tonight, we watch them and we judge them, and by 'we', I meanljudge them.

Then in just two weeks' time, we add up all the points and crown a champion,

who will be gifted this most luxurious dome ― my head, painted gold.

Our contestants are David Correos...

...Guy Montgomery...

...Laura Daniel...

...Matt Heath...

...and Urzila Carlson.

By my side, as always, my special little admin boy,

the free bread roll to my expensive crayfish dinner; it's my assistant, Paul Williams.

So good to be here, Jeremy.

I would like to start this episode by just giving a massive shout out to some of our sponsors ―

Paul's Key Emporium and Kiwi Tape Measurers.

So if we could maybe get their email addresses just along the― along here, the bottom of thescreen.

- Are these people paying to be our sponsors?

- No. I would appreciate it if we could just get the websites across there.

- If they're not paying to be in the show, we obviously don't want them―

we don't want to put up their websites.

It doesn't really make any sense. It's not― - Please?

- It's not how sponsorship kind of works.

- Right, is it time for the prize task, Paul Williams?

- It is prize task time, and tonight our contestants are turning back the clock,

- because they have all brought in the most nostalgia-inducing item. - Ooh!

- Yes, the Taskmaster will decide which item is the most nostalgia-inducing,

and that person will win five points.

The person who wins the episode ― they'll take home all five nostalgia-inducing items.

- Right, I'm already drifting back to the days of my youth,

though maybe that's because I can smell Matt Heath's Lynx body spray, that Africa, from over here.

Laura, what have you brought in? - I brought in a SEGA and an unopened packet of Snifters.

- Wow! - Wow. Oh, boy.

A SEGA Master System II. - It's a pretty clearly opened packet of Snifters.

- I just want to apologise. - I saw the box backstage.

- I had no idea it was for this. - There's three left.

- I had one of these, a SEGA Master System II ― Super Monaco Grand Prix. - It had that built-in game.

- Alex the Kidd! - Yeah!

- All right, Alex the Kidd. All right, Urzila, what did you bring in?

A cassette tape.

On that cassette, I have recorded myself talking about from back in the day in the '70s and'80s

and all the fun I had, and then I broke the little nibs out the back.

So if you want to tape over it, you're going to have to chew a bit of paper and stick it in the hole.

- Hey, it was a pity you didn't write anything on the actual― cos you know what,

you get a lot of those at the bottom of your drawer,

and that would give you a real fright if you put that on and then heard you crapping on about your...

- ...childhood. - Yeah, but see,

I-I kind of figured you can draw little love hearts or whatever― why am I talking to you?

You're not gonna win it.

So that they could write on it and go, 'Soothing' or 'Night-time Chats' or―

- It's true. Often if I can't get to sleep, I'll put on Urzila's Netflix special.

Which one?

- Matt, can you beat Urzila's cassette tape?

- I think I can. I can take you back to the mid '90s. This is taking me back to my youth.

- Talk us through what's there. - The great Kiwi tradition of spots. - Yeah! Yeah!

That's a full set. That's― That's everything you need.

And for your comfort, there's just a little bit of tape around the end of the knife,

just in case they get too hot.

I want to win this episode so badly.

- Guy, what did you bring in? - I've played straight to your heart this evening, Jeremy.

I know you're a big cricket fan, and I have here a mounted Richard Hadlee mini bat ―

limited edition, released after his retirement, the classic collection.

I did the maths. He retired in, I think, June 1990. You would have been 23.

You must have been a huge Hadlee guy. - I was a huge Hadlee fan.

I had the skip at the beginning. I wore wristbands. I modelled myself on Sir Richard,

and one day I got to sit beside him at a lunch. It was the greatest day of my life.

He proceeded to drain three bottles of red wine.

To dull me out, I think. I was so punishing.

- That's funny. I might have seen him that same day,

because I once saw him at the Koru Lounge having a very, very sitting up nap.

- David, what did you bring in? - I had the pleasure of working with this person a couple of years back,

- and she pulled through. - I got Suzy Cato's glasses.

- TheSuzy Cato? - TheSuzy Cato. - She's a lovely woman, Suzy.

- She's so lovely. - But I never knew that her glasses would have fists.

- I never noticed that. It's like on a motorbike, though!

- Did you tell her that they might get won by one of the other contestants?

No, cos I'm going to win them tonight.

- Shall we score it? - Let's score it.

- Well, I think David should probably get five points.

I want to get him off to a good start, cos I want Suzy to get her glasses back.

I think it's important. So, David, you get five.

I think, Urzila, you get one for that tape, cos I'd rather not listen to you.

I think, Guy, two points for you, only because I have that very cricket bat,

and I look at it every day, so it's not nostalgic for me at all.

Laura. - Four...? - Three for you, Laura.

- And four for Matt with the spots. - Yes!

- Would you like to watch a task? - I would love to watch a task.

- OK, just a heads up ― this task may make you tear up a little.

Hi.

Paul Williams, I presume?

You know that.

Oh...

Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

- Hard to imagine what you'd need that many onions for. - Big lasagne?

Pretty onion-heavy lasagne.

- Are you familiar with hot flush, Paul? - No.

Oh.

- 'Build a tower using only onions.'

'Tallest tower wins.'

- 'Also, whoever delivers the most moving speech...'

- '...will have 15cm added to their tower height.'

'You have 10 minutes.'

'Your time starts now.'

10 minutes?

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

It's from Jaws.

- All right, some high-rise onion construction and some moving speeches ―

what more could you want from a task, Paul?

- Would you like to see someone give it a go? - I'd love to.

- Well, up first is Matt Heath. - It's not good. Not good.

Gidday, Paul. - Hello.

- Try to live in the moment, Paul, you know what I mean?

I just hope that as we travel on...

God's journey and realise that we do have a purpose on planet Earth,

whatever you... choose― choose to be, Paul, is beautiful.

- Would you say that this is a tower made only of onions?

The onion part of it is.

That was disappointing.

There's a base of onions in the bath.

What counts here is all the onions. - What about the bath?

- The bath is unrelated to the tower.

- It seems like quite a key part of the tower.

'Build a tower using...

'onions, mainly. Tallest tower wins.'

- I don't think that's what it said. - 'And use structural support as you see fit.'

It says 'only onions.'

- You've got three minutes and 35 seconds.

- How long have I got? - 10 seconds.

- Looking pretty good. Pretty happy with this one.

Five seconds.

It's one onion high.

Wow.

I guess one onion's one onion. - Yes, well, I measured the tallest of the onions,

which was 7.4cm. - I'm happy with that.

When were we supposed to be delivering the inspirational speech? - During.

- Oh, that was good, though. - Well, I've got a quote from that. - Yeah.

- 'As you travel on God's journey...' - Mm-hm.

'...whatever you choose to be is beautiful.'

- It is vaguely inspiring. - Yeah.

I'm an atheist.

- Yeah, same. Same. - Well, yeah, I personally found it the most moving speech so far.

- We'll be back to raise up more onion towers in the very near future.

See you right after these delightful and financially necessary messages.

Welcome back.

It's episode eight of Taskmaster, and everybody has been on the edge of their seats

to find out what happens in our onion-building/speech-making competition.

- Our contestants are attempting to build a tower out of onions and only onions while making a moving speech.

The most moving speech will have 15cm added to the total height of their tower,

which at this point would put them all into first place, because Matt's tower was shit.

- Who are we gonna watch next, Paul? - It's Guy Montgomery and Urzila Carlson.

- Do you have a knife? - I think there's knives in the kitchen.

- Can you go get me one? - Um... - Or do I have to go and do it?

- I think you should go. - I think you should go.

- I think you should go. - But I think you should go. - I think you―

- I think you should. - OK.

- You like onions? - Not on their own.

- Well, I'm glad I was specific. Luckily for you, I'm a strong bitch.

- Look at that. - Double onion. - Unheard of.

You can keep that. I know you don't like onions by themselves.

- And I took my kids to Africa, cos, you know, that's where I'm from,

and they saw the giraffes, and my son said, 'It's so dirty.'

- There was this guy from Australia who'd entered the Winter Olympics ―

what a ridiculous choice of Olympics ― and he learnt how to ice skate. He was a laughingstock.

- Because the zoo giraffes, well, they get their butts wiped, don't they?

They're like the private school giraffes, the flash ones.

- No one gave this guy a snowball's chance in hell.

You know, he's right; they're filthy.

I am watering up over here.

- Before you know it, this guy whose name I can't remember

was ice skating in the final of the Olympic Games.

You don't want kids to see that.

- 12 seconds. - The top skater took out the next skater,

and then the next skater took out the next skater, and the guy, he fuckin' won against all odds.

Zoos are better for animals.

- Why'd you do that? - I didn't throw it at you; I threw it up.

- But why'd you knock the tower? - I didn't knock the tower. - What knocked― what fell?

- I think you blew the whistle too hard.

- Is that knife part of it? - No.

- I mean, if you're upset about it, imagine how I feel. It was my tower. - Well, sorry, if that was me.

- Well, don't feel bad about it; just don't do it again.

- It got stuck in there, and I wasn't strong enough to pull it out. - OK, hands away, please. No more.

Hands― Put the onion down. - I'm just going to put it down. - No, don't put it down.

- You said, 'Put the onion down.' - Put it down on the side, please. - I'm putting it down.

- No, on the side. - On it's side.

No. Put the knife down, please.

Put the knife down, please.

So, am I missing something here?

Is building an onion tower much harder in practise than it is on paper,

because those are, so far, three shit onion towers.

- I think what you can't see is the buckets of snot and tears that just come out of you.

- I should've stabbed Paul. - That's my only regret.

- Stay away from Paul. Steven Bradbury. That story about the ice skater, that is a true story ―

2002, Salt Lake City, the Winter Olympics.