Men at Work

Morning, Gibbles.

No.

Classic pre-coffee Gibbles.

Hey, did you know

that coffee grounds are used by drug smugglers

to throw off the drug-sniffing dogs?

Tyler, tell Milo I'm happy he's learning all these facts

for his article,

but if he tells me one more before I've had my coffee,

I'm gonna tear off his... Something

and shove it up his... Something.

Damn, I need my coffee!

Hey, go easy on him. It's his first feature.

It seems like just yesterday

you were writing gadget reviews for the magazine.

It was yesterday.

I know! And it seemed like it.

Ahh. There we go.

Shave off your beard and shove it up your ass.

Good morning, gents!

Oh, hey, there, "mad men." Did your girlfriend dress you?

I'll have you know that Amy is out of town this week.

But she did lay this out for me before she left.

You got a hot date? I'm having lunch with Amy's dad.

The boss is in town?! Are we in trouble?

Or did we win something?

No. Look, he's just here to see me...

And to buy the Chrysler building

with money he found in his couch,

but mostly to see me.

I wonder how much money he's gonna offer you this time

to stop dating his daughter.

I still think you should have taken the 15 grand.

I know he thinks I'm soft,

but today, I am finally gonna win him over.

I've outlined a strategy platform

to increase the magazine's ad revenue by 30%.

See? See? I'm not soft.

And at lunch, I'm gonna prove it.

I'm gonna be so hard at lunch.

Yeah, it's not that kind of lunch, Neal.

Oh, good.

I was afraid the break room wasn't getting enough use.

Crisis averted.

Hi. Morning, sir.

Yeah.

Wow, so you guys are supposed to know

what's cool and current for my readers? Really?

You look exactly like a girl I dated in Switzerland.

You look like a hobo.

You are hopeless.

And you?

You're okay.

Neal, let's get this lunch over with.

But it's only... yeah, still on European time.

I got a car downstairs. Okay, great.

I'll meet you at the restaurant.

I like him.

did you finish yet?

With the sentence I was reading the last time you asked me?

Almost.

My bad. Take your time.

Savor it, you know? It's a... it's a lot to digest.

Keep in mind, it is my first feature...

Though I'm pretty sure it doesn't read that way.

Ri... I'll leave you to it.

Just, uh... Holler when you're done.

What? Was it funny?

Typo.

Okay, done.

Okay, look.

I want it to be great, okay?

So don't sugarcoat it.

It's not great.

You're not great!

You're stupid, your writing's stupid, and your hair is stupid.

Are you done?

Are you done... Being stupid?

I'm done.

Okay, it's not bad at all.

It's factual and accurate,

but there's nothing that grabs the reader.

It's like a term paper,

like you just cut and pasted from Wikipedia.

I did not.

You have to find a way to make your article stand out.

Okay, I hear you.

Grab the reader, make my article stand out.

Now you're just cutting and pasting things say.

No, no. I get it. I get it.

Thank you.

And... You're not stupid.

I know.

And your hair is like a unicorn's mane.

I know.

I'll have a lemonade.

Macallan 18, neat.

You can tell a lot about a man from what he drinks, Neal.

Scratch that.

Um, I'll have... The hangman's noose.

So, you know what I thought might be fun?

Neal, there are three things in this world I don't care about.

One... European football. I don't get it.

It's boring, and nobody has a weapon.

And, two, I don't care what you think might be fun.

Okay. What's the third thing?

Huh? The third thing you don't care about.

Well, I've forgotten it, Neal. Do you know why?

'Cause you don't care. Because I don't care. That's correct.

I think... You're gonna change your mind when you see this.

You want to sell me a time-share, Neal?

That is rich, sir.

No, this is my proposal

on how we can grow full steam magazine and increase...

whoa. Hold up, sunshine. Grow the magazine?

The written word is dying,

my uninformed, sleeping-with-my-daughter guy,

and you want to expand?

I just thought... I don't think you did.

Neal, I've started a lot of companies in my day,

but this magazine, this is for love of the game.

I don't need it to make me rich,

but I wouldn't hate it if we broke even.

So, if you really want to impress me,

why don't you start by cutting costs in your own backyard?

I can do that. I can cut costs.

Can you? Yeah.

It takes a real man to make hard cuts. Macallan 18.

Sir, those cuts will be made because I am a man.

I am all man.

And your hangman's noose.

The ship is yours to keep.

You'd just be a source?

I'm obviously not gonna tell anyone you're a drug dealer!

Mm... Anyone else.

Damn it.

Milo, what the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to give my article

something that will grab the reader's attention.

By getting some street dealer who sells Jamaican bunk reefer

to wall street guppies to drop a dime?

I don't know what you just said.

You got to go deeper.

You got to put yourself in the story the way Tyler does.

When he did that article on manscaping,

you should have seen his undercarriage.

I had to.

Why?

Well, because he...

It made sense at the time.

Hey, Tyler?

Hey...

where's the coffee maker?

It's gone. Bagels, too.

We've been robbed!

We... by a guy who didn't need much!

Okay, let's just... let's calm down.

Good morning.

We got no bagels and no coffee.

Interesting story, actually.

P.J. told me to find some places to cut costs around here.

You?

You took our coffee?

And our bagels?

Well, I'm not happy about it either.

I can't feel my thoughts.

So is this just to get in good with Amy's dad?

No, this is good for the company.

I smell bats. Do you guys smell bats?

Let's not get dramatic here, all right?

I'm sure you guys can live without coffee and bagels.

Bullshit, Neal!

Free coffee is the only reason people have jobs!

Now I have to go to Starbucks like some animal.

An animal, Neal!

So, then, I tried to sell my daughter's goldfish

to feed my habit.

Not much of a habit, huh?

A new goldfish is like a dollar, right?

Turns out her goldfish had trichodina,

so no one would give me anything for him.

That's when I got into smuggling.

Shh, I need to hear this.

But that's a story for another day.

What? No!

Uh... I think that's a really good story for to-day.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

Are you new here? What's your name?

My name is... Magic.

Johnson.

No last names, magic.

Sorry, Dan.

Uh, it's my first meeting, so I don't know all the rules.

Um... I'm not really much of a drug user.

I mean, every once in a while, I'll get baked

and watch a Ken burns documentary about jazz, but...

Honestly

I'm writing an article about drug trafficking,

and I came here hoping to get some inside information.

I think you'd better leave, magic.