Veep

Mike: Ah, very inspirational speech, ma'am.

Selina: Oh, come on, you wrote it, you can't review it. How are you?

Mike: I meant that you read it very inspirationally.

Yeah, thanks a lot. I love silicon valley.

I love silicon valley!

Yeah! Boy, it's a real can-do attitude.

This is what DC must have been like under Jefferson,

except that would have been a horse, right?

Yeah. There's a typo on the home page.

She might have a "great sense of density" for this nation,

but that's not the line we want to push.

- It's up. - What is... oh, meetmeyer?

Meetmeyercom.

Everything you wanted to know about selina meyer that we want you to.

You should have changed the name to moneymoneymoneygov.

That's right. It's 5,000 a ticket, and 10,000 to be at the veep's table.

20,000 and selina sits on your lap.

- What did you just say? - No, not really.

So, what about clovis? When are we doing that? Is that tomorrow?

Yes. That company is worth 4.3 billion.

- I know. - That's more than I make in a year.

Yes. Yes, we will need Wi-Fi.

Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.

I was just fanning myself with my arm.

- Here, can you take this? It's heavy. - Yeah. Yeah.

You take that. Okay, this way?

Wi-Fi. Do you have that in silicon valley?

This sun is unbelievable. I've got to move the government here.

Oh, you wanna do a selfie?

I call that an ussy.

It's an iPhone joke or something.

And who is this gorgeous thing?

- This is Gracie. - Look, here, look!

She's wearing a campaign button, folks.

- Well, I campaigned for you. - You did?

Yeah, Cassie Langley.

I can't resist a baby. Hello, Gracie.

- Now, how old is she? - I'd say she's eight and a half months.

- She's nine months. - Okay, she's rounding up.

She's crawling. Isn't that about the age...

No, she's been really, really slow to develop, actually.

They've been fracking in our area.

Hydraulic fracturing to extract oil and gas.

- You don't know what it is? - I absolutely know what fracking is.

We just don't know if there's contamination in our homes.

And when you ran, you said that you were pro-environment.

- I am pro-environment. Absolutely. - No, you were.

Now I don't know what you are, and I feel very, very let down by you.

You know what your mommy and I are doing?

We're having a very serious conversation about political issues, aren't we?

And the issues are complex.

You said you were against it, now you're saying you're for it.

I'm just confused. Which one is it?

We need to make that woman go away.

- And I don't mean kill her. - Mike: Kill her.

Who believe that a certain kind of fracking...

I don't think that you know what you are talking about.

I care about my daughter very much...

- Kent: Wrap it up. - I'm trying.

Selina: I believe that children are our future, Cassie.

And they deserve an energy policy that protects the world, okay?

The world in which there is a country called the United States of America.

Mike: Move on. We're moving on. Let's move on.

Excuse me, can I please have my child back?

Selina: Oh, my god, I've got the baby!

- This hurts, this hurts. - No, no, no. The mom.

This hurts, this hurts... hi!

She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air,

and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea.

I was shutting it down, Amy. Meanwhile, you were watching a baby fill its diaper.

That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama.

- Hey, ma'am? - Uh-huh.

What do you think of a theme, like a west coast feel for tomorrow?

I'm calling this pacific trim.

- You know what trim is? - Yeah?

- It's twat. - Oh, yeah.

So, ma'am, right now, you're at your hotel.

- I know that, yes. - What about this one, Alcatraz-matazz?

- What do you think of that? - They look like two couches.

Couches. Great. No couches.

So, tomorrow morning is clovis. Then you go to yahoo.

But remember, while you're there, do not use Google as a verb.

- They yahoo things there. - Okay, bye.

if that's a good thing.

What about this whole fracking mother with this baby situation?

How bad is it? If we were gonna rate it on a scale

of one to, like, fucked, what would you say?

- Well, she's a woman. - Right.

- In her 30s. - Yeah.

You alienate them, and you'll be dead somewhere before New Hampshire.

Oh, my god, I know.

I mean, I lose women and what am I left with?

I'm left with gay latinos and Jews at college, I guess.

Does someone please want to tell me why Danny chung is on this television?

Even selina meyer's supporters are not supporting her.

Now, speaking as a military man,

if you lose the trust of the men and women on the ground...

Dan: I've got to take this fucker out.

I have to succeed where the republican guard failed.

All while doing 10 million other little things.

It is called multitasking, Dan.

I do it every... damn it.

You just typed the word multitasking, didn't you?

Yeah, Amy, fracking lady. Want me to get her in here or shut her down?

What do you want me to do? Tame her or shame her?

Either. Both. And quickly.

- Oh, well, this is fuckin' terrible. - I know.

You know, they say all babies are cute,

but whoever "they" are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.

No, no, I'm not talking about that.

Jonah's got a new post up. And he's getting hits.

Not the kind he deserves, either.

So, the veep's gone to silicon valley of the dolls.

And instead of California dreaming,

she's got 'em California screaming.

And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you.

What?

But I've been drinking that frack water,

and look what it's gone done to my titty milk!

My baby, oh, my baby!

Vice president's office, secure line.

Sue. Sue-ster.

Sue of steel. Sue-sue-sue-dio.

Jonah, get off the line. And then the planet.

Jonah: Sue, have you seen my viral...

Oh, nice. Yeah.

Yes, sir. Kent davison on line three.

- Mr. Davison? - Dan-zibar, what's happening?

Hey, have you seen my viral?

Dan, we need to break this Cassie bitch, the British dick who invented the Internet,

and anybody in between.

- Yeah, yeah. What about Jonah? - Jonah? Here.

Hey, fucking pencil neck.

He just swallowed his phone in fear.

- Look, Dan, fix this. - I will get right on it, sir.

Then we'll hit O'Malley's at 8:00 for a beer or 10.

I'd ask Mike, but he's too happy now that he's married.

- Oh, thank you. I look foward to that. - Too happy.

It's obvious that I would make the best campaign manager.

I'm not asking you to tell her that,

but please, would someone fuckin' tell her that?

Take it from me, Dan, in a couple of months on this job,

you'll go from those six-pack abs to this keg.

I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf war,

and I kinda miss the little guy.

I mean, I know that I can do it.

So how low can you go, Dan egan?

How down and dirty are you willing to get?

Pretty grubby.

I would definitely need regular showers, for sure.

If someone brought you this chung Iraq thing,

you'd just tell 'em it's fuckin' bullshit, which it is.

What chung Iraq thing?

You know how chung just bores the shit out of you, right?

Well, it seems his unit in Iraq

did that to some poor slob with a drill.

But that's, you know, it's just nut fluff.

I mean...

That's unusable, don't you think?

Yeah.

Hey, could we get two more?

Yeah, and a couple of whiskey chasers?

It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.

Amy: Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet.

Can you please call this Cassie woman and invite her to Washington already?

How come I don't have a "tell what to do guy"?

- Amy? Amy? - Hmm?

- Did you see that hot guy? - No.

He just came out of Gary's room.

- No. - Yeah.

- What are you... - What is going on with that?

- No, he... another room or something. - Yeah.

Gary: Hi!

Hey, is that egg whites or is it...

- It's an egg white. - That? Well, it's a few egg whites.

- Right, and some broccoli. - Gary: You good?

You excited about clovis?

Selina: Sure.

Ma'am, I want you to bring your a-game to the Craig jergensen meet.

He's rich, as in wipe-out-the-deficit rich.

- Selina: How old is he? - 26.

Selina: Oh, my god. See, that's wrong. That's too young.

No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s.

That's what Andrew and I did. It kept us completely grounded.

Yeah.

Selina: Oh, isn't this nice?

Mike: Oh, poor kids, they don't realize

they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30.

Wow, look at... oh, look here.

Madam vice president, welcome to clovis.

Melissa, so good to see you. Melissa conners, chief financial officer.

I am the oldest person at clovis by five years. I feel ancient.

You must be 12 years old, then.

I'm not, no.

No, no, this is Amy brookheimer, my chief of staff.

- We know all about you, Amy. - Hmm.

- Let me show you clovis. - Fantastic.

Amy: Yeah. Selina: Thank you.

Well, I'm really looking foward to meeting Craig.

Melissa: Absolutely,