Louie

It's weird to live as an average-looking guy.

It's different--

Guys that are, like, good-looking don't have any idea

what it's like to live

and just know that there's a whole massive section

of the female population

that you just don't have access to.

You're just...

I-- I get so sick.

When I ( bleep ), I just gross myself out.

I'm always on my back, and that's for her benefit.

I just don't want to make a woman see this.

It's just not fair.

She's so nice to let me her,

there's just no way I'm gonna put her through that.

I gotta--

And I always gotta have my shirt on, too,

because last time I did it without a shirt on

and I was like--

I'm like this, and it hangs.

It's a mother dog.

It's a mother dog's, like, 14-nipple belly.

That's what happens if I go like this.

It's happening now, you just can't see it.

It's a six-pack for a whole other reason.

It just hangs in sections.

It actually--

in three sections with a split in the middle.

And it jiggles when I'm , too,

it's not like it's just there.

Last time I had that happen, I looked down,

I was like, "Oh, no,"

and I looked at her and she was looking down.

"Ew!"

I never saw her again.

Hello?

Hey-- hey, Janice.

It's-- it's--it's Louie.

Louie? Yeah, we--

Hi.

What's up?

I-- um, h-hi.

Hey, h-how you doing?

I'm fine, fine.

What's up?

Uh, I just was...

I'm just was-- I know that we--

I know that we met in a professional capacity

and I don't--

i just wondered if maybe you want to--

if we-- if you-- maybe go to dinner sometime?

Just, you know, no--

just go out.

Sure.

Wow, really? Yeah.

When do you want to go?

Uh, tomorrow ?

To-- to a movie or something?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll text--

I'll text you with the particular-- exactly the place

and you'll have more data.

Great.

I'll see you then.

Who was that?

Louie CK just asked me out, I guess.

Ha.

You said yes? Yeah.

Not on a date,

but he could be someone at some point, couldn't hurt.

Oh, my God, get some help!

Help what? His head came off.

Hi.

So what movie are we seeing?

What?

What movie did you want to see?

I don't care.

Oh.

Okay.

You wanted to see a movie?

I don't think I can sit a theater

and watch actors pretend and talk, I...

Are you okay? I'm gonna go for a walk.

You can come if you wanna.

I'll come with you.

Did you ever think how--

About how your life could end any second?

Sure.

No, you don't.

I mean, you think you're gonna live forever

and you probably will.

I don't think that.

It's just so arrogant the way we live our lives.

You know, we're constantly right on the edge of existence

and nothing and we live in total disrespect of that.

And there's people in other parts of the world,

like Africa or Afghanistan, who--

Those people, they know, because they live on that edge

and they lose people every day.

They die in a war or in a disease thing.

And they...

And we think we're the ones.

We think this is the important place.

Like we live in the center of the goddamn universe.

I know.

And it's just-- it's bullshit.

It's meaningless.

I mean, I started this day obsessed

with how this would go, this non-date with you.

You don't want to date me, I know that.

But I was--

"Ooh, please, God, could this woman want to go out with me?"

And maybe if I could upgrade us to a date

with bullshit conversation and by seeing some crappy movie.

And it doesn't mean anything.

I mean, you could get hit by a truck

or shot in the chest by a gun guy.

I could get thrown off a-- out of a helicopter.

You know, Janice, you're gorgeous,

and I find you very attractive and you're very nice.

You're not even nice, honestly.

And-- and... I just--

I'm just sick of living this bullshit life.

Me too.

Me too.

Louie, I didn't know what you were really like.

What do you mean?

Well, since you're being so awesomely honest,

no, you're right.

I didn't want to go on any date with you.

I agreed because you're on camera

and you might be something.

I'll say it.

I'm superficial.

But wow.

You're really--

I mean, what happened?

Because the last time we met, you were sort of...

A goof.

Yeah, well, I was attracted to you, so I was all nervous

and acting stupid.

Well, why aren't you like that now?

Well, something happened.

Like, when I was on my way to see you.

What happened?

I was walking here, to the theater,

and I was at a red light, like, standing on this corner,

and this bum, like a homeless guy, just came running,

he was screaming and I turn and I see

and he's running right at me.

He's looking at me and he's running,

like 30 miles an hour, just...

crazy.

And he gets right on top of me, like,

and he goes to grab me and I ducked out of the way

and he went sprawling into the intersection,

and a garbage truck came and hit him...

And his head came off.

What?

His head came off and it went, "dun, dun, dun"

down the street.

It was-- it was horrible.

His head came off?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, and you saw that?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's awful.

That's so awful.

That's the worst thing I ever heard of.

You saw that and then you came out with me?

Yeah, that's-- that's why--

Oh, God!

I think I need to go home.

Oh, my God.

Well, but-- do you want to...

I didn't mean to upset you.

I just...

I mean, we could get a--

I thought it was kinda going well.

I thought maybe you-- I didn't know that you--

Another time I was on a subway and...

This woman got on the train, young woman, and she--

You know you can tell how long people have been in New York

by how they get on the subway?

Because people that live here just get on, like, "Ugh."

But she got on like this, like...

It was pretty bad last time.