House Husbands

Do you want something functional, or something to make a statement?

Both.

You want something with good handling, speed, comfort,

not too exy.

Yeah, I'd like something a bit hardy, for off-road action.

What about that one?

Hey, since when do you fork out that sort of dough on a vehicle?

I just feel I'm ready.

Well, when a man overpays for a set of wheels...

..he's usually compensating for something.

Yep.

It means you're having a midlife crisis.

I'm not having a midlife crisis.

We both need it, that's all.

I want the Game-Changer Excelsior IV.

Well, maybe he needs changing.

I just changed him.

Well, is he hungry?

He won't take the bottle!

Well, did you heat it up?

I ALWAYS heat it up!

Well, maybe you heated it up too much.

Dad! Oh, look, we're fine here.

We just fed him, darling.

Go back and get some sleep. I'm on top of it.

Ow! Ooh!

I'm totally on top of it. I am.

Gem.

How was it?

Where's the baby? Oh, he's on your chest, darl.

Did he take it?

Come to Mum. Seven mils.

I'm pretty sure it was eight, wasn't it?

I should feed him.

He'll get there.

He's just taking his time, that's all.

Do I look taller?

Yeah, baby, you do look taller.

And I'm bigger because...?

Um...

Stop being silly.

You know.

Oh, my gosh.

It's... My birthday!

Yeah.

We... What about...

Dad and I, we're pretending we didn't know.

When, really, we did know.

Where are my presents?

First day of a new term.

Oi!

What's with the suit?

Oh, just a meeting.

Hey, uh, how's the new wheels going?

Very happy with the suspension.

And everything else is OK?

I'm not having a crisis.

He's the one you should be worried about.

What's happening with you? A private thing.

It WAS a private thing.

He's being desexed.

Can you stop calling it that, please?

It's just a minor incision.

The snip?! Ouch!

Yeah, no, it... it's nothing, alright?

I mean, we've already got one healthy, happy child -

that's enough for us.

Why is Tilda handing out wedding invitations?

No, they're party invites. See the balloons?

Yeah. And the bottle of champagne?

Oh, I thought I crossed them out.

What, you were so tight you would not get proper invites?

You've recycled your wedding invitations?

We were running late this morning, and we...

..forgot.

Her birthday?! Ohh...

Temporarily.

You have raised neglect to a whole new level.

Not even Abi and I have done that one.

It's a busy time.

Shh-shh-shh. Here he comes.

Who? New teacher.

Hey, he's a... A 'he'.

Uh, Mr Crabb? Yeah.

Uh, Mr Tuck. Um, you're Tilda's grandad?

DAD, actually.

Right. Uh, you brought the invitations?

Yep. You're not aware of the protocol?

The what?

Uh, with party invites, we ask for the parents to hand them to us,

and we give them out discreetly, just so no feelings get hurt.

Right.

Oh, well, maybe next time, eh?

Nice to meet you.

I don't like him.

Nah, me neither. Me neither.

Hey, where's he off to?

Is your shirt tucked in?

Yeah, baby, my shirt is tucked in, yeah?

Sorry. It's just... you know what banks are like.

Nah, that's alright. We have to behave like... grown-ups.

Yeah. Grown-ups.

How else would I behave?

I just...

Hey, Nic. Yeah?

Just...

..relax.

OK?

OK.

It's just, this has to go well. And it will.

I just can't believe I've got Justin Baynie in my office.

You know how many times I've replayed that grand final?

You get that handball

and weave your way through four tackles, was it?

Yeah.

And then slot that game-changing goal right through the posts.

Yeah. It's a while back now, but...

Oh, still feels like yesterday to me.

So, have you had a chance to review our loan?

Uh... yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Uh... guys,

you're kidding me, right?

I mean, you're a legend, mate, but...

..I can't approve this loan.

We're not that... crazy.

Uh... we... we have two steady incomes, though.

I'm hairdressing full-time, and Justin has the kids during the day,

but he has regular bar work at night.

Plus, we have money left over from the sale of our old house.

Yeah, but you want to borrow... HOW much?

Uh, it was, uh...

Are you... are you laughing at us?

It's pretty funny.

Nic, let's go. Uh, no, no.

I'm sorry - you spent the first 20 minutes of this interview

all over him like a rash,

and now you're laughing at us.

Nic, come on.

We want to buy a house for our family.

Is there something funny about that?

I think you'd better go.

I think you'd better apologise. Nic...

Do I need to call security? No, no, no, mate.

I don't know.

Maybe NOW you do.

Ooh.

Um... I'm so sorry.

Uh... We're just leaving.

Thank you.

Oh. Just get...

So, is that what you meant when you said behave?

I can't believe I just did that.

Yeah, it was, uh...

..it was kind of sexy.

It's such a great home. Yeah, I know.

I'm sick of this one-bedroom rental.

The kids are climbing up the walls, all our stuff is in storage.

I'm being an idiot, aren't I? No.

It's not important. Hey, of course it's important.

We're gonna find a house.

OK?

I promise.

OK.

This is tough.

My friends and family don't know I'm here.

They wouldn't understand.

I'm having big problems with the bottle.

I'm his grandfather.

My daughter's only 17.

She's still growing.

She... she needs her sleep.

She doesn't need to be up all night, feeding.

I'm sure there's... a bond.

But, whenever I try the bottle, it's flat-out rejection.

My name is Lewis Crabb

and this is my first mothers' group.

The most important thing to be sure of

is that you don't want any more children.

No. No.

We have a lovely little girl. Yeah, gorgeous.

We thought we were having another one.

I thought I was pregnant, but... Yeah, it was a false alarm.

And the fact that we called it an "alarm"...

Rather than a "happy surprise"... Or a "gift"...

You know, got us thinking... No more.

No.

Yeah - no.

OK.

And you're aware of what the procedure involves?

Yep.

Obviously, being a doctor, I'm across it, but...

Yeah, I'm across the basics.

It's a very simple operation.

So, testicles here -

the "sperm factory", as I like to call it.

And this is your vas deferens, taking sperm from your testicles

on their little journey, which we don't want, do we?

No.

So I'll be making a small incision here.

You're not squeamish, are you?