Scary Movie

- Hello. - Wanna have a little fun?

- Who's this? - Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.

I don't think so.

- What's that noise? - Oops. I farted.

- I didn't think you would hear me. - No, that popping noise.

Oh. I'm making popcorn. I'm getting ready to watch a video.

- Ooh. What is it? - It's just a scary movie.

- Do you like scary movies? - Mm-hmm.

- What's your favorite? - Mm, I don't know.

Think.

Oh, I know. Um, Kazaam, the one where Shaq plays a genie.

- That's not a horror movie. - Well, you haven't seen Shaq act.

- Hey, you have a nice voice. - Thanks.

You never did tell me your name.

Why do you wanna know my name?

'Cause I wanna know who I'm looking at.

What-- What did you say?

Nice breasts.

Look, what do you want?

I wanna see what your insides look like.

Well-- Well, then, turn to page 54.

Oh.

Hey, nice.

Listen, asshole, you've had your fun, now you better stop or else.

- Or else what? - Or else my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute,

and he's black and he'll kick your ass.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

You mean the one who wears makeup and dresses like a woman?

- How did you know? - Turn the porch lights on.

Help! Help!

Oh, that's not my boyfriend. I mean, I've fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.

Look, I'm calling the cops.

Go ahead. Call the cops.

But you might wanna check the back door first.

You forgot to lock it.

Take that, you psycho!

I can't feel my legs.

I think my arm is broken.

- Sorry. - I want my mommy.

Hello, Drew.

Oh, God!

- Daddy! Daddy! - Ugh!

Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy, no! No!

- Did you hear something? - No, I didn't hear anything.

Bobby, what are you doing? My dad's in the other room.

It just occurred to me. I never climbed through your window before.

Now that you got it out of your system, Bobby, you have to leave.

Why?

Shh. Come on.

What's going on in there?

Ow! Daddy's head is stuck. Unstick Daddy's head.

Dad, can you knock?

- Knock? I thought I heard screaming in here. - No. No, you didn't, Dad.

Well, it could've been that crack I smoked earlier, I guess.

- Yeah. - Yeah, that's what it was.

I gotta leave town for a couple of days.

No big deal. Just that new business I started with those Colombian guys?

- Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar. - Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Well, there's a problem. Some money went missing.

And apparently, some legs are gonna get broken.

It's just better if I lay low for a couple of days.

- If the cops raid the place-- - I never heard of you.

- And don't forget-- - To flush your stash.

Oh, you are my little girl. I love you so much...

that I left you a little something in the coffee can.

- Dad-- - But you have to remember to step on it before you sell it.

- Now, what are you gonna cut it with? - Um, baking--

Baking soda. Not baking powder.

Because baking powder guys will have muffins growing out oftheir nose.

You love that joke, don't you, honey?

You've loved that joke since you were two years old.

- Okay, well-- - Okay, I love you.

- I love you. - Have a good trip.

- Bye. - Bye. Whew!

Is the coast clear?

Oh, Cindy, that nightgown.

That was close. God!

I was, uh, home watching The Exorcist, and it got me thinking about you.

If this is about the time I puked green slime and masturbated with a crucifix--

It was my first keg party, Bobby.

No. No. Uh, it was edited for TV. All the good stuff was cut out.

So you thought you would just climb through my window...

and we would play bump-bump?

I was kind of hoping to get my balls licked,

but I wouldn 't wanna break your little underwear rule, now, would I?

So maybe just some on-top-of-the-clothes type stuff?

Okay. But just for a minute.

What the--

Wrong set.

Bobby! Oh, Bobby!

I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over

- No, Bobby, don't. - Ow!

Jeez.

Yeah, my dad.

Okay, stud, you have to go now.

Oh, um, about the sex stuff?

I was only half serious. I don't wanna rush you or anything.

Hey, would you settle for PG-13?

What's that?

Oh, jeez!

Good night, Bobby.

Shorty, you are so loud.

And make sure you take your behind to class today.

- I do be going to class. - Lunch is not a class, Shorty.

It is when you got the munchies.

- See, that's why you such a dumb-ass. - Your mother.

You my brother. That's your mother too, jackass.

Oh, yeah. Well, then, your father's stupid.

So? I don't know him.

Yeah, me neither.

- Hey, girl, you ready? - Yeah, in a minute.

- We're gonna be late. - Wait. There's Buffy.

I don't know why you hang out with her.

- She is such a ho. - Why do you say that?

'Cause I've seen her.

- My friend Sean had a pool party this summer. - Sean?

You know, Puff Daddy?

Anyway, everybody was drinking Cristal champagne.

And then it started to get wild, and people were getting freaky in the pool and stuff.

I look over and there was your girl getting buck wild in the Jacuzzi.

So?

With a backup dancer.

I mean, that's nasty.

That's- That's lower than the security guard.

At least security can get you backstage. She don't love herself.

- Bye, Daddy. -I don't know. I think Buffy's sweet, Brenda.

She is as fake as Press-on nails.

Hey, baby girl!

What is up, my sister?

- Bye, Mr. Gilmore. - Bye!

- Is he gone? - Yep.

Do you like what you see

It's all about the money

Hey, Cindy!

- I love this color. - Let me see that.

- Oh, you guys should not use this brand. - Why not?

- Because they test their products on animals. - So?

Look, have you seen what they do to those poor animals?

Well, I am much more of a people person.

I'd like to feed all the hungry, little children of the world.

I'd much rather help my fellow man than some animal.

- Spare a dollar? - Get away from me, you bum!

Buffy! Can't you see he's just hungry?

Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich.

- See? - I said a dollar, bitch!

Ow!

God. Look at this place.

lt's a circus.

Hello. I'm Gail Hailstorm, author of the book, You're Dead, I'm Rich.

A small college town is in shock...

after the unthinkable has happened:

a brutal killing spree that left one teen dead--

That's it. Two teens dead...

and this small town shaken and stirred.

- It's times like these-- - Police are combing the area for clues.

There are no witnesses available at this time.

There are no suspects in custody.

Police are asking anyone to come forward.

Reporting live for Black TV. White folks are dead and we're getting the fuck out of here!

Grab your shit and let's go, motherfucker!

Hey, do you think the press is gonna wanna talk to us?

Oh, girl, no. The press only wants to interview the most ignorant person they can find.

I'm on TV! Oh, shit! First Cops, now this!

Oh, man, I'm gonna be a star, son!

- What can you tell us about Drew? - Well, she had the phat ass.

- I mean, it was like bang! - How close were you to the victim?

Real close. Until the roofies wore off.

Then she woke up talking about pressing charges.

So I just pulled my tongue out of her ass and left.

What would have been your last words to Drew?

Run, bitch! Run!

Hey, yo, Dawg. Does this shirt make me look gay?

No, man.

What about now?

- Nah. Yeah. - Cool?

Here. Take one, guys. Don't forget: election's Tuesday.

"Don't forget: election's Tuesday."

Ah! Goddamn it! Son of a bitch!

What's the matter, honey?

My report card.

Well, at least you got one "A."

Yeah. I did, huh?

You're so smart.

- Hey, has anybody seen Bobby? - Nah.

You know what? That kid is always late.

I don't get it. He lives so close.

See you later, Hairy Mama, Bubba, Jim,

Big Jim, Little Jim, Slim Jim, everybody.

I'll see you later. Ciao, Ding. All right.

Damn, girl. Mm-mm-mm.

- I'd sure like to get in them pants. - Really?

Yeah. What size are these?

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Bobby. - Hey, baby.

- How you doing? - Good.

- You guys see all the reporters out there? - Yeah.

Saying that girl Drew Decker got killed last night.

- You know what? I think I knew her. - Really?