Broadway Melody of 1936

Thank you, Miss Langford.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard Miss Frances Langford singing:

"You Are My Lucky Star" from the forthcoming musical production...

...Broadway Rhythm.

And now the Apex Brush Company again brings to you that cracked columnist...

...of the New York World Tribune, Bert Keeler, the voice of Broadway.

Giving you the inside dope on what's what among the who's who.

- Take it, Bert. - Good evening, you little scandal lovers.

This is Bert Keeler speaking, the voice of Broadway.

Coming to you with all the late indoor-sport results.

And am I hot tonight.

Flash. New York, New York.

The Park Avenue Bradley Masons are anticipating a blessed event.

It's a boy at the William Tuckers.

Flash. Two dozen safety pins were ordered this morning by the Howard Van Pelts.

Washington, D.C.

There's a rumor that Congress, to help balance the national budget...

...will put a tax on all divorces.

Are you listening, Reno? Heh, heh.

Imagine all those lawyers going back to work.

It's good? Flush.

Or flash: It's quintuplets at the Tenth Avenue Angelo Pasquales.

This is their 16th blessed event.

Hmm, the stork must be using the spare room.

Crash. It's a 72-pound boy at the home of the Leslie, Park Avenue, Rockfords.

Flash: The stork left by aeroplane at midnight...

...for the home of the Sidney O'Hares in Baltimore-Happy landing.

Boy. Call Bert Keeler. Tell him to see me as soon as he finishes his broadcast.

Yes, sir.

- Hi, chief. How'd you like the broadcast? - Rotten.

Can't you write or talk about anything else except who's gonna have a baby?

Why, chief, don't you like my baby talk?

No. Your column reads like a clinical report.

Listen to this, "The stork is flying high over the Conrad Barnums.

A bundle of joy from heaven at the Bartons.

A blessed event threatens the Campbells." It's old stuff.

But the public loves babies.

So do I, but I'm running a newspaper, not a birth forecast.

Don't you think it gives my column a homey feeling, sort of a domestic touch?

That's not Broadway. Now get this, Keeler.

I want the stuff you get looking over transoms and peeking through keyholes.

You can't get stuff through keyholes. Sometimes the people aren't home.

Then you find out where they went and why.

Suppose I find them and they're doing nothing wrong?

People are always doing something wrong for a good reporter.

I see. You want the kind of stuff that'll get me a sock in the nose.

That's right. And you won't be making good until people hate you.

I want everybody in this town looking for your scalp.

Mmm, nice journalistic future I have.

Don't worry. The minute I hear people calling you a rat, I'll raise your salary.

All right, I'll be so big a rat you can put a saddle on me.

Give that stork a rest. Put your nose to the ground...

...and dig up some news that's hot, and remember:

One more blessed event in your column and you're through.

Okay, chief. The only births I'll mention from now on will be on Pullmans.

Bert, who do you think is gonna have a baby?

- Who? - My mother.

- From now on nobody's gonna have babies. - You can't stop my mother...

- ...from having a baby. - I can stop it from having it in my column.

What I'm driving at is we gotta stop watching the stork and pay attention...

- ...to keyholes and transoms. - Why?

Because I'll lose my job. And if I lose my job I've got to let you go.

- Why? - Why?

Because when I'm out of work, I don't need an assistant.

I gotta get the lowdown on something important.

- Well, ain't babies important? - The boss don't think so.

We gotta dig up some dirt. What banker was seen with what chorus girl.

Does it have to be a banker or a chorus girl?

No, but it's gotta be somebody important who's doing something he shouldn't do.

Hey, looks like there's something hot going on down there.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

It's Bob Gordon, the guy who's producing Broadway Rhythm.

- He's talking to a dame. - Who is she?

I think it's Lillian Brent.

- Lillian Brent? - Yeah.

Say, she's got more dough than you and I will ever have.

I'd like to help you out.

Investing money in a show is risky business.

- I wouldn't advise it. - I like taking chances.

- I'd get a kick out of it. - I can't let you do it, Lillian.

- Don't you believe in your show? - I do.

- It's the best thing I've ever written. - That's good enough for me.

Look...

...who told you that I needed money?

What's the difference?

Well, I just didn't want you to think I'd take advantage of our friendship.

You haven't. You had nothing to do with it.

I like the idea of putting money into your show and I'm going to do it.

But...

...we don't have to be too brutally businesslike about it, do we?

It's a business proposition.

- Won't there be anything personal in it? - Mm-hm.

- What? - Your personal check.

Oh, Bob.

I know the show's gonna be a great success and I want it to be, for your sake.

But, darling, please don't become so interested in it...

...that you'll forget all about me?

How could I?

- Snooper, do you know what this means? - What?

Anytime a wealthy Park Avenue widow gets chummy with a Broadway guy...

...the public wants to know why.

- Why, is that wrong? - Not at all.

But one of them's got something the other one wants.

It's the same in the Bronx.

- See Mr. Newcombe. - Thank you.

- Is this Robert Gordon's office of Albany? - What's that?

I say, is this Robert Gordon of Albany's office?

Albany office? No, no. New York office.

Yes, I know. But what I mean is...

...is this Robert Gordon's office in New York of Albany?

See if this is it.

You wanna know if this is Albany's office of Robert Gordon's New Yor...

Now you got me doing it.

Don't go away. I'll unravel you in a minute.

Hello? No, sorry, he isn't in.

Now then, let's start from scratch.

- Just who did you want to see? - Bob.

Bob? You mean Mr. Gordon?

Yes.

- What's your name? - Irene Foster.

- Of Albany. - Why, yes.

How did you know?

- I'm psychic. - Really?

- You know, Bob's from Albany too. - Is that so?

We haven't seen each other since he left high school.

For heaven's sake.

We were sort of...

- You know what I mean. - Oh, you weren't.

Mm-hm. See this? It's his school fraternity pin.

He gave it to me five years ago.

Gee, I'm dying to see him again. Is he in?

Not yet. Have you an appointment?

Oh, no. I wanna surprise him.

He may not remember you after five years.

Oh, he'll remember me, all right, especially this.

- What's that? - We used to do that in school.