I Hate Suzie

I like your hair.

This is much nicer than the other room.

This is the better room.

I don't think he's, erm, going to come. I think he just wants me to have to tell you.

Well, I know I said we should wait but perhaps if this is...

Hello, Cob.

So sorry I'm late, Rose. Erm, child care issues.

Well, I would say it's nice to see you both again but I suppose

I wouldn't be unless something's happened?

Suzie is not living at the house anymore, Rose.

Because...

ok, so erm, someone ...

somehow has had access to my phone

or hacked my phone and downloaded, downloaded photos

and there was a photo of me with someone else, sexually.

Very clearly someone else.

- Right. - Mmm-hmm.

- Gosh. That must be quite a shock. - I'll fucking say.

And ... and Cob assumes that that means that I'm being unfaithful.

Yeah. Mmm, why would I, why would I possibly...oh...

of course. Yeah. I get it, because I'm insane.

Right, because seeing something with your own eyes has absolutely no meaning, right?

That's...This is gaslighting.

Er, what's, what's happening with Franky?

Frank. Erm, so ...

he's er, he's fine. You know, I mean, I am ...

I am coming into the house at like 6am to wake him up

and erm, and then leaving and then coming back at the end of the day.

I think he's fine.

I think he's fine, erm, I don't think he realises, you know, except this weekend

when we're going to the convention but...

Whose cock is it?

Whose cock is it?

It's what we're here for. Let's just, we're here now, we're there. Whose cock is it?

Suzie, whose cock is it?

Do you, I mean... - Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it?

Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it? Whose cock is it?

- Yeah ... Do you want me to answer that? - Whose cock is it?

- I don't ... - Whose cock is it?

Whose fucking cock is it?

- I've got it. - Shit!

- You don't have to keep giving me your bed. - I know I don't have to.

It's so cold. How long have you been sat there?

I've got a plan. We go to the convention

as booked, but our attitude is, 'Fuck you, fake news, you lose.'

No, that just, that sounds horrific.

But not going makes it look like it is you and you care.

- It is me. And I do care. - Let's not dignify it with a response.

No comment from us and it all goes away.

- I really need my phone. - Yeah, the police still have it.

But you've got this one, it has all your same contacts and names in it.

It just can't go online. Which is good.

Why, what are they saying?

- Yeah, you don't need to see that. - Why is it bad?

Nay?!

But the whole convention is just gonna be sat there,

you know they're just gonna be sat there, and they're just gonna be looking at my tits

- and thinking about me sucking cock - Yeah, but they always are, babe.

You get dressed.

- Are you alright? - Yeah.

Don't forget, no photos or signing anything until you're on the official table.

We make no reference to the hack at all.

- 'hi Suzie!' - Thanks very much!

Also, I've cancelled the Q&A. So don't answer any questions.

- Look at all these people that love you! - Thanks.

- Hi! - Thanks very much.

- I love you. - Hi

Ok, that's great, thank you.

We don't mention the real world at all.

Nobody cares here!

- Nobody cares about the photos! - Right.

- All they care about is Captain Bria! Right. - Yeah, and see, there's not gonna be a Q&A.

- Thank you! - So just go out there and be a smiley,

charming badass like a badass on badass patrol.

Or don't if you don't want to. Just do what you want.

- Ok. - And also can you try

and talk about AfterDeath rather than the sci- fi that you did twelve years ago.

- But nobody watches AfterDeath. - Yeah, they do.

Well then, why do I never meet any of them?

Because viewing figures don't matter anymore.

Oh right, it only matters who clicks on it?

Yeah, and well that doesn't matter either but...

- So what does matter? - Excuse me?

- They're ready for you. - Shhhh.Ok.Let's go.

- Ok. Yeah. Thank you. - Great.

Ok, let's welcome to the stage, the real Captain Bria, Suzie ...

- Have I got something hanging out my nose? - No, you're good,

.- Are you sure? - You're good,

Thank you! Shall I go this way? Or this way?

Here's you're mic

Thank you.

- Welcome along. - Shall I just hold this,

- like this? Like I think that's normal? - Yeah, however you like!

That's fine! Erm, alright, so...

you all know our Suzie from her varied career, of course, from Quo Vadis

and more recent stuff as well... er, the soap stuff ...

Yeah, but we don't mention that!

Alright, and of course, AfterDeath

- which is on streaming now. - Yeah

that's right. And who doesn't love Nazi Zombies?

Brilliant. Erm ok, so usually we do a Q&A format, er

I think today we're just gonna have a conversation between us so ...

Oh no, the masses are revolting!

They've queued for hours to talk to you ... ... Captain Bria.

Do it! Do it! Do it!

Er, no, no, no, I love Q&A! No, I love Q&A ...

I wanna ... ... you know, I wanna talk directly to them ...

- Yeah? - You know...I,I love you guys!

Alright, great!

Er, let's go to some questions then ... the mics out there somewhere ...

er yeah ... guy with the beard. Er no ...

er no, yeah you, there you go! Yeah

- Hi, Suzie. - Hello! How are you? I love your top.

Oh thank you, Suzie.

In Quo Vadis, your character dies at the end of the series, but if she did that,

Captain Bria couldn't go back to where we found her in the first episode on the ship.

It would make sense if it was in a different dimension.

Yeah, it would, and I've never closed down that reading,

but you know, if I'm erm, if I'm just really honest,

I was just thinking about getting into that bloody catsuit every week.

- I mean jumpsuit! - Jumpsuit! Yeah, er well,

it is funny you should mention the jumpsuit, Suzie,

because we did a little research mission of our own...

- Yep. - and we found the jumpsuit from Quo Vadis

Erm, yeah, the real one! So let's bring it out...

- You are joking! - Here we go...

- There it is! Look at it ... - Is it actually the real one?

It's the real one from the archives, yeah.

- Do you need a moment? - I just remember the smell!

Alright, well, lots of other questions whilst you reacquaint yourself with the jumpsuit so

yes, the lady on the side.

- Hi, Suzie. - Hi.

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about those pictures.

It's such an invasion of privacy. I can't even imagine.

- But it's great to see you here today. - Thank you so much.

So how have you been coping?

Yeah, erm...

- Yeah ...ok, can we move it along? - Yeah ... I, I, I don't,

I don't really think this is the venue.

In fact, I ... can I just take this ...

- Yeah ...Yes, of course you can. - moment to before we get started...

Ok. Erm ...

So... look, I just wanted to say that there are ...

there were, there were some photos posted online last week ...

Erm ... ... supposedly of me, stolen from me, in some mass hack

and I just wanna say that even though I have no issue with

whatever it is that person's supposed to be doing in the photo, erm it's not me, no.

I mean, I wish I was that thin!

No, it's a fake.

You know ... ... you know Black Mirror? It's very black mirrory,

whatever, we're all doomed. Anyway, I just,

I just wanted to put that to bed you know and erm,

I don't know if there's anything to take away from today, erm,

- don't wank to lies, kids ... - Yes.

Er, good advice!

Yes, thank you for that. Alright er ...

- Sorry,that was a bit...blue! - No, that's ... no, that's fine.

It's completely understandable you would say it wasn't you,

but there are other details in the pictures.

Er like, like the necklace you were wearing, er for example ...

... I mean, which ... ... you've worn it on other occasions ...

- Yeah, I don't think - Yeah, can we move it along please

- ... So I'm just giving you an opportunity - ...to be talking about this ...

- this feels very ... - Because it is a penis of colour

- ... in the pictures ... - Jesus!

- You know what... I ... oh my god! - Yeah, ok. That's, that's enough now.

is that the reason why you're trying to distance yourself

Sorry, I was just ...

I was just wondering if I could still fit into this.

- Yes! - Are we insured for that?

Well ... I guess I'm doing it!

Alright, off she goes to change into the jumpsuit.

- Very shortly she'll. Alright, - I'll see you in a second

- see you in a second. - Maybe a minute. Who knows?

What the fuck!

RAPTOR There you go, that's what you came for

- They should just chuck her out. - Stand up!

- I said don't do questions. - They, they just sat there,

they just sat there waiting!! I can't wear this, it's gonna make me panic!

- Can you get it off. - Alright,we're gonna take it off.

Can you take this please?

You're looking good, babe!

- Here she is! - Sorry, it's a bit ... it's a bit tight!

I actually can't breathe in this!

I feel really self conscious that I've got camel toe.

'HOME'.

- Excuse me. - Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Why, what have you done?

Are you here selling your soul too?

What on earth is that phone?

- You're not a dealer, are you? - My other phone's in police custody!

Liquid sustenance please.

YOU made a sex tape, what happened?

So ok ... so, so one of the girls mums finds the tape hidden in the bottom of the wardrobe,

she digs it out, she of course goes fucking ballistic and spare

and then the girls denied it and said that I forced them to do it

and that they never wanted to do a threesome

even though they were laughing the whole way through.

And so the mother then wrote to my agent.

I can't, I don't even remember hearing about that.