Three Pints and a Rabbi

When I was 10,

after my mum ran off with the paediatrician,

I killed a squirrel.

I wanted it to feel pain.

My father decided I was going to be a murderer.

He sat me down with a cup of tea and asked me.

I said, "No, of course not.

"I'm going to be a healer."

- Hi. - Oh, holy shit!

You mind me jump?

Who are you?

Frankie James.

From Burberry.

Well.

I model.

I get that you're not exactly the demographic.

Oh, no, sorry.

I'm just going to film.

Session.

Uh, nice plaster.

Oh, thank you.

They sell them in packs of 10.

Great.

Should we go in?

Uh, well it doesn't look open.

I was worried we had the wrong address.

Oh, no look.

The Woman's Head, Fleshmuch Lane, Barkshire.

Oh, okay.

Nice hair.

Loved the Simpsons growing up.

Yeah, it's not natural.

Nor is why we're here.

Geez, look at this one's drother.

He's got some style.

What a way to greet your patrons.

Bartholomew III.

Imagine being called Bart.

You made it.

I hope you're both hungry.

Oh, starved as always.

I'm on a diet.

I'm not eating any gluten, wheat, dairy, sugar,

broccoli, anything fattening.

Okay, well, shouldn't be fattening at all.

Hey, you got stuff, Lisa?

Yeah, it's in the car,

but I'm not too sure about all this.

Lisa, darling, trust me.

This dinner's gonna change your life.

Sorry, who are you?

Ian, Ian Bartholomew IV.

Hi Bart.

So what happens now?

Get the curtains.

Loner.

No wife, no son, my lineage ruined.

You inconsiderate little shit.

Well good evening, father.

I made it just the way you like it.

And action.

Look up.

Five minutes to the shoe, Frankie.

Also there's a meet and greet later

with some new faces to the agency.

Do you want me to tell them to shove off?

No, no.

No, I'll help them out.

Oh God.

Hm, this isn't the bathroom.

Yeah well, what gave it away?

You're useless.

Pathetic, not even a man.

I am ashamed to call you my son.

Do you feel that yet, do you?

Do you, you little shit?

You useless, stupid boy.

Are you open?

Oh, yes.

Frankie James?

You're a bit of a mess, aren't you?

Looks a bit empty to me.

My father always wanted a meat only pub.

You know, I don't want to have

your bloody fruitarian, vegetarian, vegan,

gluten-free riffraff in my God damned pub.

He said they ruined everything,

including his marriage.

Hm.

What are you screaming about?

I can't remember.

What was I screaming about?

Oh, this might be why I was screaming.

Oh God.

I feel like death.

Yeah, well she looks like death.

Hello.

I'm Ian.

Yeah, we know, Ian.

Wait, who are you again?

I'm Lisa, and you?

I'm Frankie, Frankie James, for Burberry.

Soon for Ralph Lauren, though.

Oh, my son loves those Ralph Lauren polos.

Oh, I've got those mints somewhere.

If you'd just like to hang on.

Polo shirts.

What's that boy?

It's Frankie.

Hello, I'm Ian.

Okay, fantastic.

Is anyone gonna mention the elephant in the room?

Oh, I'm so sorry, yes.

No, I'll take it down to if it offends you.

My, my father murdered it in Cambodia.

No, I think Mr Frankie James

meant the dead woman over here.

Oh.

Oh no, that's not good.

I've got a health inspector due here.

I think we have more pressing concerns right now, Bart.

Don't call me Bart, please.

I'm sorry, it's a slip of the tongue.

It's Ian.

Okay, sorry, old man.

Not so much of the old please.

I am never gonna get that old.

Yeah well, it happens to the best of us.

And to the worst of us.

Who is she?

I don't know.

I remember drinking lots of beer.

Yeah, me too.

She's bleeding into the mahogany.

Yeah, well I doubt the health inspector has a CSI kit.

My father made that table.

I've seen bad tables.

You can't say that.

Well, you've clearly never been

to the Museum of Furniture.

Who has?

You can't say that about my father's furniture.

Did we do coke?

Is that what's happened to my mind?

I wouldn't touch that stuff.

I mean, I can't.

Why is she bleeding?

Because she's got holes in her.

- Mm. - Oh God.

Perhaps somebody should have a look.

I can't, not me.

I'm a haemophiliac, means I've got a fear of blood.

No that's.

Old man Ian, you're up bud.

You're a hemophobic.

No I'm not.

I don't care about a person's sexuality.

Wow.

She's been attacked.

By what?

Uh, listen, I know I'm an industry,

but I'm never touching this, just saying.

No, no, no.

These are bite marks.

And in other coincidental news,

a big black rabid dog has been heard

around the outskirts of Barkshire.

And we ask anyone who may know of its whereabouts

to call our station on 0784...

Whoa!

What's that phone number?

That hobbledy-hoy cut if off.

Hobbledy?

Listen, it was hurting my ears.

My senses are very sensitive right now.

Are either of you Bear Grylls by any chance?

No, but I did drink my own urine one.

They told me it might work.

Oh God, no, no.

You don't want to drink urine.

I've got some lovely beer on tap here.

Probably tastes the same.

Look, does anybody remember anything?

Did we meet her?

Can you remember how she got here?

Dead, on my father's table, in my pub?

Yes, haha.

Hey man, it's your pub.

You're liable for this.

So, all right, I'm getting out of here.

Yeah but what about the dog?

Barkshire's a big county.

Actually, it's the 10th safest and smallest county.

It's safe?

- Yes. - Well that's,

okay, well fine.

I'm gonna go to the...

You can't leave.

We have a dead woman here.

We need to sort this out.