Orange Is the New Black

Chapman!

Chapman, let's go. Up, up, up.

What? I'm up.

On your feet.

I thought...

I thought that Foley was on duty tonight.

Is it breakfast already?

No, but if you're hungry, you can lick yesterday's off the wall.

Nasty.

No, this...

this... this is art.

This is a yellow warbler drinking out of a daffodil.

She just cannot get enough.

I'm calling it Thirsty Bird.

It's almost done.

Smells like old Easter in here.

I hate cooked yolks.

Well, you won't be finishing...

Why? What's happening?

... or annoying the living crap out of me.

Stand up on your goddamn feet, inmate!

Do you need to pee?

I need to know what's going on.

If there was a hearing, I was entitled to be there.

Are you taking... am I going to max?

Remember, I asked.

That warbler looks like the yellow Angry Bird.

Please...

is this about Pennsatucky?

Please.

What happened to her?

Where are we going?

Into this van.

Am I going back to camp?

Ask me more questions. Go ahead.

Shit, you couldn't warm this bitch up first?

Not a lot of warning on this one.

Please tell me where we're going.

Are we going back to camp?

Just a yes or a no.

- Hey... - A head nod?

... what's up with the Mila Kunis chick from New Year's?

Total psycho.

She texted me yesterday,

"How about we meet before 10:00 p.m. sometime."

With a period, not a question mark.

The fuck?

Ordering me around.

And she's got that Kunis face, but she does not have that Kunis ass.

And you gotta have that Kunis ass if you're gonna be tellin', not asking.

You got to have the ass.

Can't abide by demanding flat-ass poochies.

- Mmm-mmm. - Poochies?

Can't say "bitches" no more.

It's degrading.

Van nine, you're cleared to go.

- Processing out. - Processing out? Processing out?

Processing out of the SHU?

I'm digging the fresh shave.

No?

No. Then what am I processing out of?

Come around back.

What am I processing out of?

Good luck with it, Chapman.

Is that for me?

Okay, these things...

- These are really tight. - Yep.

I still have basic human rights.

You cannot put me on a mystery bus in the middle of the night

and not tell me where I'm going.

I demand to know where I am being taken!

Can't abide demanding poochies.

Get your flat ass on the bus.

Take a seat.

Inmate!

Cool it.

He's looking!

- So? - So we'll get in trouble.

No one's getting in trouble, Piper.

Last year, Marcy Klein broke her ankle. She had to get pins in it or something.

Yeah, 'cause she tried to do a herkie on her way out.

Come on, we're all going to Ryan's after.

We're getting close. You guys ready?

Ew, he wears cologne. It's gross.

If my dad finds out, I'm totally getting grounded.

And if your dad doesn't find out,

maybe we'll be invited to Ryan's New Year's Eve party.

Maybe we won't go into next semester being the same lame losers we are now.

I don't have to jump off a bus to prove I'm fun.

I'm fun.

I know that. Just...

no one else really does.

Come on.

Here we go.

Have a rad Christmas, Ralph!

Go!

Hey...

I understand Nicole and Bojing, but why didn't you jump?

I slowed to 5 miles an hour. It's tradition.

Unnecessary risk.

You're one of those.

My dad says I should have strength of character,

not be a lemming.

Hey, daddy's girl, get the door for me, will you?

Hey...

do you know where we're going?

Hoping for Mississippi.

What?

How can they not tell us where we're going?

This is so fucked!

Hush it!

Oh, I should've peed!

Excuse me.

Is there any way that we can stop for a bathroom?

Are we getting off?

Why do you keep thinking I know what the bus schedule is?

I don't know shit... same as you.

All the way to the back!

It's just that I gotta pee so badly.

They have to let us pee, right?

You think I should ask again? Should I ask...

They ain't gonna let you pee. No one told you to wear a pee pad?

- A what? - A pee pad.

Two maxis stacked so they like a maxi-maxi.

And then you just let out a little at a time.

Now, some people do two down

and then one across the front, one across the back like a diaper,

but me, I just do a double stack.

Nobody told me. I've been in seg for the last month.

I'm doin' it right now.

Here we go, ladies. Exit to the front.

An airplane?

We're getting on a fucking airplane?

Let's go.

Stick out your tongue.

All right. Next!

Stick out your tongue.

Up.

- Up! - I got a tight lingual frenulum.

I really don't need to know about that.

Stick it up or I'll rip it out. Come on.

Oh, Christ.

That's not mine.

Fucker.

- Come on. - Let me go!

- Get her covered. - Let me go!

Write up assault and occupational exposure, please.

Next!

You're not a spitter, are you?

No, sir.

Not hiding anything?

Just a very, very full bladder.

Stick out your tongue.

Up.

All right. Remind me on the plane. I'll get you to a bathroom.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you for not peeing your pants.

Hey, can you tell me where we're going?

Nope. Next!

Let's go. Today.

Here.

- What was that? - It's normal.

It's her first time on an airplane.

I can't talk. I gotta pee.

Can't walk and chew gum at the same time?

Whatever.

Sit. Stay.

Sir... um...

- the restroom? - Oh, right.

Let me just get you a female Marshal here. Sit tight.

No, see, I... I've been sitting tight for about five hours.

Please, I'm all good with a male guard.

I'm a Marshal. Guards work at the beach.

Please don't mention anything that's near a body of water right now.

All right, follow me.

Okay, thank you.

- Where's the... - No door. Let's go.

Ohh.

Everyone's on, sir.

Great, tell the pilots we're running final security check.

Can you, uh... kind of hurry it up a bit?

I'm going as fast as I can.

Really? 'Cause it sounds a little light.

Better.

In the movies, there's always this thing about oxygen masks.

They come out of the ceiling or somethin'. Is someone gonna tell us about those?

Oh, excuse me.

Polite.

Damn. Tight.

You must've really pissed off whoever put these on.

I was a demanding poochie.

Do you tell us where we're going

or do you guys hand out blindfolds when we land?

Oh, a frisky one.

I like that.

Seat belts.

- All clear! - All clear.

- All clear. - All clear.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's moving.

We're moving.

This thing must be, like, a bazillion pounds.