ALF

Aw! Shh.

Eric, don't. Don't.

Don't cry. Daddy's here.

Look at this face.

Look at this funny face.

A Roseanne Barr impression's only gonna anger him more.

I'm not impersonating Roseanne Barr.

Dom DeLuise.

I'm not impersonating anyone.

I'm trying to get Eric to stop crying.

Have you tried leaving the room?

Ha! Lighten up, Willie, huh?

Borrow a sense of humor, man.

I'm not in the mood right now, okay?

You want me to get him to stop?

No, no. Sometimes babies need to cry.

They just need to exercise their lungs.

Oh, why, that's fascinating.

Quiet!

It's all in the delivery.

If you need me, I'll be in the fridge.

So you played Tevye's wife in "Fiddler On The Roof."

Well, if those aren't babysitting credentials

I don't know what are.

Thank you.

I can't stand it when they cry.

Could you make it stop?

- My husband's with him. - Okay.

Well, I think I know everything I need to know.

Thank you so much for coming by.

Oh, if it's the crying thing, I can wear my Walkman.

Goodbye.

And hope you get that part on "Munsters" today.

What's for dinner?

Oh, ALF, you just had lunch.

Your dinners highlight my day, Kate.

But then again, I have no life.

- Any luck? - No.

You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?

I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss

that I can't show any more houses

until we get a babysitter.

Pork chops.

Don't worry, we'll find somebody.

Maybe a nice ham.

You think we're offering too little?

Maybe we should be paying more than $6.00 an hour.

Hey, hold it! Flag on the play.

You're paying these people?

I'll do it.

Did you call all the college papers..

- Of course. - And every college...

Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Thus, I'll say it again.

I'll baby-sit.

Uh.. No, I don't think so, ALF.

It's nothing personal, it's just..

Well, I guess it is personal.

Call us crazy, ALF.

Uh, we just feel that

we should have a human babysitter

what with Eric being human and all.

Oh, I see.

And have you thought about what happens to me

while that human babysitter

rummages through my fridge?

What do you mean, "your fridge?"

Okay, it's your fridge.

But the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.

When the babysitter's here

you're gonna have to be in the attic.

Oh, great, prison.

Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?

We're all making adjustments, ALF.

You're not gonna be up there all that much.

Attica! Attica! Attica!

ALF, cut the dramatics.

I'm just gonna be working part-time.

But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids.

It's a gift that all Melmacians share.

That and the ability to suck milk

through our noses.

My... you are blessed, aren't you?

As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF

the answer's still no.

But why? Why?

Why?

Because you're irresponsible.

You trash the house.

You flooded the living room.

You wallpapered the shower.

It was a rhetorical question.

Okay.

Aw, there you go.

There you go.

There you go.

Aw, there's nothing more beautiful

than the sight of a mother

holding her freshly-swaddled babe to her bosom.

Leave my bosom out of this, ALF.

You're not babysitting Eric.

- Any luck? - No.

No, I've, I've draped him over my shoulder

I've laid him across my lap I've bounced him.

Eric just doesn't want to burp.

Hey, mind if I show you a trick?

The last time you showed me a trick

it took three weeks for my eyebrows

to grow back.

I told you not to lean in.

Come on, now. At no time will the baby leave my hands.

Spot him, Lynn.

Hey, Eric, how you doing?

Having a little gassy backup today?

Huzza, huzza.

Who was that masked man?

Next case.

Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.

So, did I prove my point?

That could have been a coincidence.

So when do I start?

By the way, Thursdays are bad for me.

I do tai chi.

Granted, ALF, you give good burp

but that doesn't qualify you

to take care of an infant.

Kate, it can't be any different

than taking care of my younger brother and sister.

And they had 16 stomachs between them

and one bathroom.

Think about it.

Oh, ALF would you heat the baby's formula for me?

What do you need formula for, Kate?

Tapped out?

Never mind, I'll do it.

And thanks for not being petty about this, ALF.

Oh, now I'm being petty.

I'm petty and irresponsible.

You know, in time, this could become annoying.

Now I'm petty, irresponsible, and annoying.

The mud is being slung today.

Hello. Oh, hello, Mr. Donovan.

Oh, the property on Waverly place right now?

Oh, uh, well, gee.

This is not really a convenient time for..

Oh, that's pretty heavy wording there, sir.

But I-I don't see how I could possibly..

Oh, there you go again.

Well, no, no. Of course I don't want to lose a sale

when it's this close, it's just that..

Tell him I'll be there in 15 minutes.

I'd ask you what you're gonna do

but that would be petty, annoying, and irresponsible.

Not to mention nosy.

Don't be smug. I'll call Mrs. Ochmonek.

Wrong answer.

Oh, I'm sorry. That was annoying, wasn't it?

They're on vacation.

Um.. Alright, I'll call Mrs. Carlson.

The woman who stands on corners and yells at buses?

A wise choice.

Right, right.

Uh, there's Mrs. Applebaum.

Don't you remember?

She's out becoming Mr. Applebaum.

Oh, that's right. I forgot to send flowers.

Too late for that. Send her some aftershave.

Oh, I can't get a hold of Lynnie.

She's still in school. Um..

I'm here.

Oh, alright, ALF. Will..

Will you baby-sit Eric?

No, I'm busy.

Of course I will, you silly ninny.

Ha ha!

ALF, listen all the important telephone numbers

are right there by the phone.

No!

I will be back in 45 minutes, alright?

In 40 minutes.

Give Eric his formula when it's warm. Can you do that?

Kate, don't worry. Go.

Do the American thing

and put your career ahead of your family.

Okay, okay, I'm not a bad mother.

I love my child.

I love my child.

ALF, I will be back in 25 minutes.

In 20 minutes.

Heh.

Charles, where are you?

Can you give me a hand in the kitchen?

In a second. I've got a couple of girls to look after.

Don't you mean women, Charles?

Whoo-ho! Pfft! You low bro.

Oh, great timing.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Lets got bail. He's the next Tony Denzel.

Hey, hey, hey!

What's the matter, little guy?