Red Oaks

Man: This isn't child's play.

Do you have any idea how much money it costs

to send someone to college nowadays?

You must take advantage of what you've got right now.

I know you're having a great time,

I know that college is as wonderful as you thought it would be,

but your grades are for shit.

You've got to apply yourself.

They have to become better.

What's the big deal? I still passed.

- Barely. - A "C" isn't barely passing.

That's a "D". A "C" is satisfactory.

Yeah. A "C" is a Jewish "F".

Look, honey, I don't mean to nag,

but I don't understand how you can get an "A" in, uh...

What was it?

Cinema of the French New Wave.

An "A" in French cinema, and you get a "C" in your major.

- - It's not my major yet.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

What's it gonna look like in the fall

when you apply to the CPA program,

and they see that you barely squeaked by in Intro Accounting?

Like I don't belong.

Honey, I get it.

I was young once.

First couple of years of college it's all about having fun.

You go to keggers, you smoke a little refer,

you get a little wh... you know, it's...

You figure things out.

But after a while, you've got to buckle down.

You've got to think about the future.

- I know. - I know you know.

Now, look, this summer job's a great start.

Okay, you meet people, you make contacts.

There are gonna be a lot of wealthy people

who are gonna remember you down the road

when they need someone to do their taxes, okay?

Now, come on. Let's play another set

before the bugs get too bad.

Okay.

You serve.

You gonna serve or what?

- Dad. -

Dad, what's wrong? You okay?

I think I'm having a heart attack.

- Hey! - Ah, ow!

Hey, call 9-1-1.

He's having a fucking heart attack!

David, come here. David, I love you so much.

Promise me that you won't make the same mistakes we did.

Who? Who?

Your mother and I.

We never loved each other.

We should have split years ago except you came along.

- What? -

I should have married Sun Yi.

Who's Sun Yi?

She's this girl I knew in Korea.

Oh, she had such beautiful eyes.

I... I love the Orientals.

Okay, okay, well...

David, David, David, David, David!

- What? - I think your mother's a lesbian,

or... or at least technically bisexual.

Okay, shh!

- Shhh! Take it easy. -

I'm here, I'm here. Okay.

- Okay. - Quickly, I love you.

- You love me? - It's coming, it's coming.

Man: Good news, folks. He's gonna be fine.

As heart attacks go, this was pretty mild.

More of a wake up call to ditch the cigarettes and take up jogging.

I've been telling him that for years.

He doesn't listen to me.

He doesn't... Does he listen to me?

Can you imagine seeing your father dying in front of your eyes?

- Horrible. - He did this to himself.

All right, I'm just gonna...

Okay, well, I know you're eager to see him,

but keep your voices down and don't get him too excited.

I'm sorry.

- Whisper. - Yeah, okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

You are never to scare me like that again.

- Honey, I'm sorry. - Are you kidding me?

- Totally my fault, I take the blame. - Yes, it is your fault.

I almost had a heart attack when I got the call from our son.

Honey, I didn't want to have a heart attack.

And your son had to see that?

- Do you know how... - I wanted to have a stroke,

but I didn't know what the difference was.

Just a review so we don't have any misunderstandings.

Base salary is 300 a week.

But the real gelt is in the private lessons.

$50 an hour which you'll split with me 60/40.

Am I 60 or 40?

And on a good week,

if you hustle, you can clear nine bills.

We have other perks as well.

We eat for free.

King crab, New York strip, chef salads.

All you have to do is sign for it.

They serve New York strip at the staff cafeteria?

How the fuck do I know? I'm not staff.

You're not?

Neither be you.

Listen, we're tennis pros, man.

We eat in the dining hall with the members.

We take a shower in their locker room,

a steam in their sauna,

and a shit in their toilets.

The only difference between them and us

is we do not get to schtupp their wives,

even if they want you to, and believe me, boychik,

some of them will want you to.

Good morning, Mrs. Shapiro.

Why don't you go ahead and get warmed up?

I'll be right there. Case in point.

I could hit that but I don't. Do you know why?

Because you're married?

Because she's married and you never know to whom.

Well, I have a girlfriend, so...

She's actually the aerobics instructor.

- Karen? - Yeah.

- She's your girlfriend? - Yeah.

Lovely.

And turn over, time for doggy style, ladies.

And up, up,

and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

Great job, ladies.

Same time, same place tomorrow, okay, guys?

Hi, sweetie.

You look so adorable in your little tennis outfit.

Yeah.

You want to come over after work?

Tonight?

Yeah, Mom's been staying at the hospital 'til 10 or 11,

so we get the house to ourselves.

Can't tonight, remember? We have the, uh, party.

What party?

That, uh, staff summer kick off kegger.

Everyone's going.

Am I allowed to?

I don't see why not.

Well, I'm not staff.

I mean, technically.

- Technically? - According to Nash.

Nash is full of shit.

Um, my next class is starting.

Uh, come on in, guys. You should get out of here.

- Yeah. - Okay. Leave those.

Women aren't fucking action figures.

No, they're mammals with fur.

Big bushes are sexy.

Bigger the better.

Like a badger.

Yes, yes, in a Russian hat.

I love it. Just get it.

Dude! What are you doin' here?

I'm the new assistant tennis pro.

No shit!

I thought you were workin' for your dad this summer.

Yeah, I was supposed to, but luckily this came along and I snagged it.

I'm happy, I'm happy to know someone around here with a decent IQ.

Or who can even spell IQ, these fuckin' schmoes.

- IQ. - IQ.

Hey, you goin' to this staff party tonight?

- Most definite. - I'll see you then.

All right.

Getty. Fifty bucks says he won't shake my hand.

Good morning, Mr. Getty.

Beautiful automobile you have here, sir.

- Well, what is it, a Countach? - Right.

Do not park it in the sun or under a tree.

Or anywhere a bird could shit on it.

- Yes, sir. - All right, where we gonna park it?

Uh, not in the sunshine, in a tree,

or anywhere a bird might poop on it, sir.

You got it.

You got a good head on your shoulders, son.

- Thank you, sir. - What's your name?

- Uh, Wheeler. - Wheeler. Nice to meet ya.

I've been here for four summers, sir.

Well, then, nice to see ya.

You got the poontang, but who's got the Countach?

- Good morning. - Hey, Nash,

you think Connors has a shot at winning Wimbledon?

Eh, it's hard to say.

He's not getting any younger and his net game is for shit.

- Ever play him? - Once.

Who won?

Well, he did make me work for it.

Nasser.

Skip.

Who is that?

Golf pro.

Cocksucker.

So why NYU?

I don't know. It's a good school. Commute's easy.